You will cry!!! The Prequel

I often joked to friends about silly jokes based on whatever movies were airing at the time.  However I sometimes joked about movies that came before 2009. Here's a collection of silly movie threats. Enjoy.

Super Mario Bros- I'm going to make you watch Super Mario Bros...You will cry…You will cry… When you see…A human Bowser.

Do they look like the same guy? 

Like M.Bison, They turn him into a light-hair man in a business suit.

He does turn into a dinosaur for barely a minute at the end of the film. It's very anti-climatic.

You will cry when you see the guitarist that's speaking out against Bowser….Is suppose to be Toad.  

That the big black woman that Mario danced with…Is suppose to be that giant fish that eats Mario.

Note- The differences between the game and movies versions is laughable. Mario and Luigi get rocket boots that explains their "jumping" ability, so even something simple as jumping got radically altered.

Want to see the what the Goombas look like?

Here's the trailer if anyone wants to see

Casino Royale- You will cry...You will cry...When you see...A blond bond

Gee, one of these guys look different from the others. I can't put my finger on which one.



Note-When Daniel Craig was cast as Bond. Everyone complain like crazy over a frigging hair color. People did ended up liking him after Casino Royale came out. Sadly, he still has his haters to this day for the dumbest reasons.

Here's the trailer



Brokeback Mountain- I'm going to make you watch Brokeback Mountain...You will cry... You will cry...When you see... Two cowboys going at it.

Note- I'm not against gay people or anything. It's just female viewers have teased me about making me watch this movie.

Here's the trailer

Planet of the Apes (2001 remake)- You will cry...You will cry...When you are...Trying to figure out the ending.

Notes- I quickly tell what happens, After Marky Mark defeated the villain and made peace with humans and apes. He got in a space pod and leave the planet. He than arrived on Earth but he couldn't land properly, so he had to make a crash landing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. The statue of Lincoln had an ape's face rather than a human. Just then, hundreds of cars arrived and took pictures of Marky Mark. They were all apes. This ending did not make sense.


I guess this was an alternate universe where human never did became the dominate species. It's possible that this is Earth in the future where apes evolved and took over and rewrote history to their liking.(Like changing Lincoln's face.) The only other idea I have is the entire movie took place on prehistoric Earth did became the dominate life on the planet. Either way, the ending was never explained to this day.

Here's the trailer



I'm going to make you watch Snakes...On a plane.

Note-The title said it all. Just saying the title of the movie would surprised anyone that such a silly name would be the title of a movie.



TMNT(2007)- You will cry...You will cry...When you see...That's in CGI.

Note-  I know some people whose only reason to hate this flick is that it's in CGI and not costumes/animaltronics. They honestly believe that Turtles 3 is better just because it not done in CGI, I'm not joking. Obviously, they never watch anything Turtles related since the early 90s and vaguely remember what the latter movies were like. 
While the 1st one is easily the best to this day, 2 and especially 3 were a drop in quality. I rank 2007 movie between between the 1st and 2nd and it was the only good/decent thing that happen to Ninja Turtles back when 2003 series went downhill with Fast Forward and Back to the Sewer. Thank goodness the series ended on a high note with the epic crossover TV movie, Turtles Forever

Here's the trailer for the 2007 movie

Star Wars: The Holiday Special

You will cry...You will cry...When you see…A masturbating wookie

10 straight minutes of  wookies talking with with no translation and no subtitles


Most annoying cooking show


Girly looking Luke


Slowest most boring tutorial of how to make a transmitter


When you see Mos Eisley...A scum of hive and villainy… is crying like babies that their cantina is closing down as they watch Bea Arthur from Golden Girls sing.



Note- The Holiday Special is an obscure TV special that only aired once on TV. After Epsiode 4, CBS asked George Lucas to have the go ahead to make a holiday special. He agreed and after it aired, he hated it so much that he doesn't want it to air again and never to be put on VHS/DVD/Blu-Ray/Etc. You can only find a low-quality version somewhere on the internet to watch.


Mark Hamill had a car accident during the final days of shooting A New Hope that scarred him and he had to get surgery for his face. He had wear alot make up on his face for the Holiday Special but the end results is weird. He looks girly. In Empire Strikes Back, the 1st thing that happens to Luke is he gets smacked in the face from a Wampa. If you see any facial scars throughout episodes 5 and 6, well that's maybe the movie's explanation why he got those.

Here is a clip of some of the weirdest moments from the Special
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDfvQMfp7uo

Watch the scum of hive and villainy cry like babies with Bea Arthur
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6K6ETASu1E

One of the few positive things people said is there is a cartoon in middle of the special that shows the very first appearance of Boba Fett that predated his appearance in Empire Strikes Back.



You will cry!!! 09

A long time ago in early 2009, I was joking around with one of my friends and the 2nd live action Street Fighter movie is coming out soon and he didn't like the movie from the previews. 

Later that day, he annoyed me at one point and I joke that I was going to drag him into the theaters and tie him to one the chairs and he be force to watch the movie.

Ever since then, I been joking that I going to make people to watch movies, either it was good or bad to when someone annoys me. Sometimes, I just pick on the film over the silliest things.

Here is a list of movie threats that came out from 2009

I going to make you watch, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. You will cry…You will cry… When you see M.Bison….As a white hair man in a business suit

  

Does Movie M.Bison look anywhere close to his video game counterpart? Even if the movie going for a darker, more realistic look, at lease give the man a red suit to show some connection to the source material.




You will cry...You will cry...When you see Vega….Played by an ugly rapper.

Vega is suppose to be a pretty boy narcissist. At first, I thought it was bad casting but during the movie, Chun-Li said the reason he hides his face is because his face is ugly. Vega is played by Taboo from Black Eye Peas.
Chun-Li vs. Vega was a lame anti-climatic fight that was barely a minute. Go watch to animated movie to see a far better fight with these two.

The movie was trying to go for a darker and more realistic take like the Dark Knight trilogy, it didn't work. While the Van-Damme movie is a terrible adaption of the video game series, it gain a cult following over the years due to it's campy nature while Legend of Chun-Li is a bad boring movie.

Here's the trailer of the movie if anyone wants to see.



I going to make you watch Dragonball Evolution. You will cry…You will cry…When you see…..A white Goku.


Even Dragonball haters know how bad the movie is by glancing at the trailers. They agree it doesn't look like anything from the show.

Here's the trailer

I going to make you watch Ace Ventura Jr… You will cry when you see… that’s it your typical Jim Carreyless sequel like Son of Mask.

It’s like the movie makers purposely made this just to add to the list of horrible Jim Carrey sequels that he doesn't star in.

Here's the trailer





I'm going to make you watch Watchmen… You will cry...When you see Dr Matthatten’s….. Giant blue winkie for 3 straight hours.

If you were looking forward to seeing the girl naked, well too bad. The female superhero was only naked for one minute while the blue guy is naked for 3 hours, that's totally not fair.

No, this movie is not a porno. He just simply a god-like being who is above humanity that he sees no need for clothes. The camera didn't focus on his ehh...little smurf but it was there in the background.

She's naked for barely a minute during a sex scene as they play the song, "Hallelujah". That is the worst song for a sex scene ever made.

Here's the trailer

　

X-Men Origins-You cry...You cry...When you see Hugh Jackman….Running across the grassy fields butt naked.

When you see…A mouthless Deadpool.



Note#1- First I see a blue privates from Watchmen, then I see Hugh Jackman’s butt. Yuck! Well there is two girls in the movie but they're only in the flick for 5 minutes in total.

Update- Me and my big mouth, Days of Future Past actually shows you his butt. I was simply making a joke about male nudity you barely saw for a second. I didn't know this would of happen.

Note#2- Deadpool is a popular Marvel character. So popular that the makers of War for/Fall of Cybertron made a game based on him. His fans hated what happen to him in the movie’s climax. He called "Merc with a mouth" and they gave them the opposite.

Update- Now he has a movie coming out in 2016 that has far far better treatment to the character.

Here's the trailer 

Terminator 4- You cry....That Arnold isn’t in it.

Note- Actually he was…eh sort of. It was a look-alike bodybuilder with CGI on his face. That was coolest part of the entire movie.
I seen people believe the movies can’t go without him and whines about it. *rolleyes* Terminator is suppose to be about Humans fighting machines, not Arnold. The franchise can go without him.

Here's the trailer It does gave away about a plot twist on a certain character halfway through the film.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen- When you see… Devastator’s wrecking balls.

That Bumblebee is mute again

When you see ....A human transformer

When you see Sideways...Dies in the 1st five minutes.

When The Fallen…Dies in less of a minute.

That heroic honorable Optimus said to The Fallen, "Give me your face!" As he rams in fist through his chest.

Note#1- You can do a drinking game on all the sex jokes in the 2^nd movie. This one stands out of all the sex jokes in the movie. Thank Primus that I only notice one or two sex jokes in the 3rd movie.

Note#2- At the end of the 1st movie, Bumblebee gains back his voice. In the start of the 2nd movie, well they decided to forget it and make him mute again and he will stays that way.

WTF...A human transformer, there has never been one before. How dare you created this Micheal Bay.

Note#3-The evil female human Decepticon is based on the Pretenders from G1. When the show got cancelled in the mid-80s, the toys and comics still went on for a few more years. The Autobots disguise themselves as 25-foot tall humans while the Decepticons think they blend in on Earth well by disguising themselves as 25-foot tall monsters. Yeah, this does sound silly. The concept actually done better in this movie. Of course, most people are only familiar with the cartoon and only the cartoon.

Note#4-The movie is full of anti-climatic fights, like the giant unicycle bot we saw in the trailers get kill in 5 seconds of his introduction.

I heard from a book that supposedly Sideways from Transformers: Armada visited China, and scan an Audi r8 for an alternate mode. Thankfully the author of the book said it's suppose to be a joke rather than canon evidence that's he the same exact guy that got sliced in half in the 2nd film. Good thing because it be lame to treat one of the coolest characters from Armada as a mere stormtrooper. 

Note#5-The Fallen is an suppose to be this cool dude who betrayed his bros and his creator god to serve their enemy, Unicron. Sadly that the movie kills it's title character in seconds. Imagine the viewers came to see the movie to see Optimus and The Fallen duke it out and it was only for a second.

Note#6-The live action version of Optimus is infamous among fans because he acts more like a blood thirsty killer than a honorable soldier.

Here's the trailer

Harry Potter Half-Blood Prince- “That Snape….You know what, I should shut up.”

Note- The ending of the movie became a well known spoiler like who Darth Vader is, the ending of disk 1 of Final Fantasy 7, where Planet of the Apes take place, or what’s Dr. Jackal’s connection to Mr. Hyde.

Here's the trailer
　

Avatar: The Last Airbender- “You will cry…You will cry… When you see all these blue people. I don’t remember them from the cartoon. This movie is going to be more unfaithful than Catwoman.”

“You cry that the bald boy... Has been Americanized and renamed as Jake.”

Military haircut does not mean bald you dumb movie makers.

“You cry that the scarred boy...been reimagined as an old general.”

Well he got scars but it's on the wrong side and why is he old?

Well I guess the military is suppose to be the fire nation since they have "firepower" with guns and missiles. I think the blue people are suppose to be the water people since their skin is blue as water.

Also it's disgusting they made the brother and sister into an engaged couple.

At lease he has the mohawk while she has braids.

Note- I never saw the cartoon other than a few minutes. I knew a live action movie was coming out back when I saw a teaser in theaters in 2009. I heard things here and there like the famous director, James Cameron will be directing it. It sounds like it’s going to be an awesome flick from what little I know. I didn't pay attention to the news that much due to never watching the show. 

I decided to check out the trailer that’s on youtube's front page. I was confused and it didn't look like some Eastern fantasy world but some Scifi flick. I wonder if it was a unfaithful adaption for a few seconds.

I quickly realized that there are two separate Avatar movies and the “What a twist” guy is directing the one based on the cartoon. Next thing you tell me is that there be two separate Snow White movies, 2 different Abraham Lincoln movies, or 2 different Hercules movies. Hearing how the movie that's actually based on the cartoon turn out, I bet the fanboys wish Cameron directed it instead.

Here's the trailer