I'm going to make you watch Hercules....You will cry...You will cry...When you see...That this wasn't the one with The Rock
Hey this isn't the movie I wanted to watch. Where's the Rock? Don't tell me I wasted money on this loser.
Note- In 2014, we had two separate Hercules movies. Just like all the previous years had two separate Snow White movies, 2 different Lincoln movies, 2 different White House is attacked films, and 2 different Avatars.
Everyone was more interested in the other movie. It didn't resemble Hercules and this movie tanked badly.
The Raid 2
You cry...That's it's too violent even for your liking
You will cry...When you see a naked woman.....Wearing a giant dildo.
Note#1- The Raid movies are extremely violent, like Mortal Kombat-level violent. No not Mortal Kombat in general, I meant Mortal Kombat X.
Note#2- I said the naked woman joke to see guys eyes lit up...only to see their jaws drop when I mention the dildo. There was a scene where main character travel to a porn studio which the mob boss runs.
That's alot of kool-aid to drink
(Warning. There will be spoilers in this part. Skip if you don't want to be spoiled.)
I'm going to make you watch 300: Rise of an Empire...You will cry...When you see...The world's most random sex scene.
When you see...The world's slowest horse.
Note#1- I swear in a world with ninjas, mages, 8-foot tall emperors, and mutants with buzzsaw for hands, the most unrealistic thing I found was the sex scene. The Villainess try to make the Hero to surrender as she tries to seduce him. Just all of sudden, he starts doing her. As he was done, he told her he won't surrender. Like WTF...He only went on half the deal because he was feeling horny or something? There has been movies where the Villianess tries to seduce the Hero but he resist her or try to sway her to the good side, not just randomly having sex.
Aww look, they love each other.
Note#2- The two movies are known for having fights that go slo-mo. What's funny is even the horse has a moment in slo-mo as he lift his feet into the air.
You will cry...When you see Black Widow...In a 3rd hairstyle.
Gee, you change your hairstyle more than the Hulk changes his actors.
You will cry...That you got spoiled by watching Agents of SHIELD.
Hey, don't look at me. It's your fault that you didn't watch Captain America on opening day in a crowded movie theater.
Note#1- Everytime we see her in a different Marvel movie, her hairstyle is different. Well if Mark Ruffalo is staying as the Hulk, I needed something else to joke about that will keep changing in throughout these films.
Note#2- The 2nd Captain America movie had huge major plot twists that affected the Marvel Cinematic Universe. These major plot twists also affected the spinoff show, Agents of SHIELD. A few days after Captain America came out, Agents of SHIELD had an episode with these twists is happening. It's like the show was wasn't even giving the viewers a chance to see the movie on DVD or 1-Dollar theaters.
If your curious what the major plots twists is.(Skip if you don't want to see)
HYDRA, a branch of the Nazis has infiltrated SHIELD since it's founding. This force SHIELD to close down. Nick Fury was killed in action but the truth is he was faking his death. Most of the people still believe he was dead and his "death" was mention several times.
You will cry..When you see The Rhino...At the very last minute.
You cry..That they tease you with Doctor Octopus and The Vulture.
And the credits roll
Note#1- Everywhere you look, the trailers, posters, ads, toys, or whatever. Everyone knew that the movie had Spidey having a battle against a giant mechanical Rhino. At the end of the movie, Spidey has this major battle with Electro and Green Goblin and major stuff happens. The movie is already over and then, Peter Parker hears about the Rhino rampaging in the city. Spider-Man goes out to fight against him and....The credits starts rolling. Like WTF...Everyone wanted to see that.
The Amazing Spider-Man was trying to be like Marvel Studios and make this big universe and setting up a Sinister Six movie with six of Spidey's foes teaming up. Sad news is we won't getting sequels due to Sony making a deal with Marvel Studios, meaning we're not going to see the conclusion of this fight.
Note#2- Something I joke about to my friends when you briefly see Doc Oak's tentacles or Vulture's wings.
You will cry...That you barely see Godzilla.
I'm going to make you watch Godzilla fighting the MUTO in Hawaii...You will cry...That you only saw the aftermath.
You cry...That it has nothing to do with the Matthew Broderick film.
I'm going to make you watch Godzilla after you watch Avengers 2... You will cry when see Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch kissing.
Eww...Your suppose to be siblings.
Note#1- I see people complain about Godzilla not having enough screen time, especially the casual viewers. People may complain about the Transformers movies focusing on the humans as the actual main characters while the title characters are background characters but the thing is, this is something that's pretty common in alot of Godzilla movies.
Look at look alot the classic films. Humans chitchat, they investigate strange footprints, mysterious caverns, strange islands, meet friendly aliens(who duped the humans). After the movie is a 3rd or halfway over, Godzilla or another monster will pop up and this is pretty common in alot of the movie. Sometimes you see the villain monster for a while before Godzilla shows up. The Big G himself is more an animal or a force of nature, not a character that the movie would show from start to finish. I would like to see Godzilla more but I'm not going to complain like this the only movie of the entire series that does this.
Note#2- Now this is my biggest complaint that this movie is guilty of that the other films don't do. The enemy monster, known as MUTO, shows up in Hawaii. Just then, a large foot stomps on the ground nearby the evil monster. The camera slowly pans up to reveals it's Godzilla. He lets out a roar and....We see the inside of a living room of a kid watching the news report of the battle in Hawaii. The film returns to Hawaii and we saw the aftermath of the fight. Like WTF...I wanted to see that battle. First Rhino and now this, gee Hollywood likes being a tease.
Note#3- *Sigh* There are people out there who thought this was a sequel to the Matthew Broderick film or they were complaining that Hollywood is rebooting that movie. Does anyone know there's been several Godzilla films from 1999 to 2004? If they want to see a sequel to the 1998 film, go watch the cartoon spinoff or Final Wars just to see American Godzilla get killed in 10 seconds.
Note#4- I notice that the same actors in the upcoming Avengers film is the same actors who play the married couple in Godzilla.
You will cry...When you see...Wolverine's butt. Ahh!!! My eyes!!! He wasn't in the distance like in Origins. He did a full backal nudity shot. My poor eyes. Ahhh!!!
You cry...That everyone you love from the 1st three films is dead.
That Xavier is alive after being disintegrated from X-Men 3 with no explanation.
Note#1- Back in X-Men Origins: Wolverine was out, I joked about Wolverine running through the grassy fields in his birthday suit. However, it was in a distance and you barely see anything and it was only for a few seconds. I made it a huge deal out of something you barely saw. Now this movie on the other hand, shows his glutenous maximus up close on screen. I swear, I never thought this would happen back when Wolverine's 1st solo flick was out.
Note#2-I'm not even going to bother put spoiler warnings. It's obvious the future is a post-apocalyptic world and people are dying.
Note#3- Actually it was explained that Charles Xavier survived in a post-credits scene in the 3rd X-Men movie where it was revealed that he transfer his mind to a John Doe patent who happens to be his twin brother. Another post-credits scene shows Magneto getting his powers back.
However, this movie was out long before Marvel Studios made post-credits scenes a big deal, so most people were unaware of this scenes. However unlike Marvel Studios, their post-creds are big teases of what's to come, not explanations of plot holes.
Wolverine's 2nd solo flick had a post-credits scene, during the era where Marvel Studios made post-credits a big deal. It showed Wolverine bumping into Xavier and Magneto and he was freaked out that Xavier was alive and I was "Oh yeah, that's right. He saw him die." It's been so many years since we got actual sequel to the X-Men Trilogy after several prequels, I kinda forgot about this.
Sadly, Days of Future's Past suspected you already seen that scene of Xavier surviving. Many people were surprised the scene existed and it was here all these years like the secret map in Arkham Asylum or the Nero family sidequest in Final Fantasy 9.
Kinda funny, because within the same week, I was halfway done with The Walking Dead's 1st season and heard the same music when they left behind a man who was bitten.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
You will cry...When you see the Dinobots...In the last ten minutes. Oh and they don't talk.
You cry...That Shia LaBeouf isn't in the movie. Like WTF, I thought he was the main character of Transformers or something?
That Micheal Bay is being racist again and created a Japanese Samurai bot named Drift.
1st your racist towards blacks and now to Japanese. I hate you Micheal Bay! *shakes fist*
Note#1-Every trailer, poster, and merchandise showed the Dinobots. You don't see them until the very very end.
Note#2-There are some people out there that are making a huge deal that Shia is not in the movie and that he's the most important thing to Transformers. *Sighs* These people need to watch just about any version of Transformers and they would see that the bots are the main characters while their human allies are simply sidekicks. Gee, I hate to see they people watch Godzilla movies since they always have a completely different cast of humans in each film.(Except the 90s series.)
Shia planned to be in three films and Micheal Bay basically wrapped the series in the 3rd film by killing off all the Decepticons and leaving no loose ends. Time pass and Micheal Bay decided to stick around for another movie. At this point, Shia LaBeouf has moved on long time ago.
Note#3- Micheal Bay didn't create Drift. Drift was made in the recent IDW comics and he's Japanese-like. Stereotype or not, Drift wasn't annoying in the movie like the twins who Micheal Bay actually did create and Drift was actually far more cooler than those two.
Let's see, he wields samurai swords and his paint job is the colors of the rising sun. I don't think you can blame Bay for this one.
Dawn of The Planet of the Apes
Ahh...I got nothing to say...Umm...Watch the confusing ending from the 2001 film.
You cry...That you don't know who the heck these people are.
When you see...A gun-slinging talking raccoon.
You see Vin Deisel...As a tree.
Note#1- The average person has heard of Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Hulk. The Guardians of the Galaxy on the other hand is kinda of obscure group that exist in the Marvel comics. After the movie came out, they reach major stardom and become well known.
Note#2-Yeah, it sounds silly that the movie has a talking raccoon and Vin Diesel playing a tree to anyone unfamiliar with this film.
Only the Rock knows how to wear a lion over your head and not look silly.
(Warning Major Spoilers. Skip this part if you don't want to see)
I'm going to force you to watch Hercules...You cry when you see the famous demi-god...Is really a regular human.
Note-Within the 1st ten minutes of the film quickly states about Herc and his friends spread tales of the famous stories to get people to hire him and to get his enemies to fear him. I was surprised when I saw this but was a interesting twist on Herc.
Here's the trailer Don't get too excited to see Hercules fighting the giant monsters
You will cry...That they came from an alien race.
Are you telling me there's a whole planet of turtles? That's the most stupidest thing I ever heard.
Isn't that right Kerma?
When you see an overweight blond-hair man...Played by Whoopi Goldburg.
That April O'Neil...Is not a redhead in this movie.
How dare you change her hair color.
That you barely saw Baxter Stockman.
This is the best picture I can find of him
When you see Oroko Saki aka the Shredder...As a white man in a business suit.
What?! Another classic villain as a light-hair man in a business suit?
That the light-hair man in the business suit wasn't the Shredder at all and he works for a Japanese guy who is the real Shredder.
Those scars obviously came from the 2012 series
Note#1- Micheal Bay was one of the producers of the movie and at a upfront presentation, he said, "They came from an alien race." This caused a huge uproar across the entire internet. It was like he was radically altering their entire origin story. Imagine Batman was a demon bat from hell rather than a guy in a bat suit.
However, I think Bay was referring to the Utroms. A group of aliens in the original comics that were stranded on Earth. The Utroms were shipping a truck of chemicals and one of them fell out and landed in the sewers. These aliens were pink squids inside robot bodies that are disguised as human.
Krang was loosely based on these aliens and Krang's story was he was more a evil warlord that was punished by being reduced to a pink brain thing.
Most causal Turtles fans are mostly familiar with the original cartoon and the original three movies. Non of these had Utroms in them. The original ending of the 2nd movie was going to have Professor Perry opening his stomach and revealing he's an alien but the makers of the movies figure this will confuse people, thinking he's Krang, who is far more well known than a race of aliens from an indie comic.
So yes, the Turtles technically came from an alien race, not they themselves are an alien race. Micheal Bay should of worded it better. When the movie trailer came out, it took a jab at the alien rumors.
Also, there is a planet of full of alien Turtles. Did everyone forgot about Planet of the Turtleoids in the classic cartoon?
Note#2- When I told the joke toseveral people that Whoopi Goldburg is an overweight blond-hair man in the movie, their jaws drop and having a hard time imaging it. They must of been thinking that Whoopi Goldburg radically changed her appearance and took a page from that White Chicks movie. LOL, no she's is playing a character who is based off a character from the original cartoon who was a white male called Burne Thompson.
Well it took over twenty years for Burne to be in a live action movie but renamed as Burnaette. It's funny because as a kid, I thought Chief Sterns was actually Mr. Thompson and the cameraman timing April was Vernon. It was easy to believe as a little kid since he was an overweight man in a office room that screams at April.
APRIL!!!! RAWRAWRAWRAWR!!!
Note#3-When pics and trailers of April was shown, (aside that she's played by Megan Fox) everyone complain that she's not a redhead. Ehh...Does anyone know that April wasn't a redhead in the original comics. Heck, her race was questionable. She debately either White, Black, Hispanic, or Mixed. Her being a fair-skin redhead came from the cartoon.
Take a guess which one of the two is April. No it's not the one on the left.
Here's a better image of April
Note#4- Early interviews from William Fletcher said he was playing Eric Sacks who is also the Shredder. Fans outraged that their beloved Japanese villain was a white man in a business suit just like M.Bison and The Mandarin.
Later on, another trailer came and it showed Eric Sacks talking to shadowy Japanese man and said, "we're taking your suit to the next level." That blew my mind when I saw that.
When the movie came out, Oroku Saki outside of his suit was only in two scenes and Eric Sacks had far more screentime. People wonder if there were last minute reshoots. Few months later, Fletcher admitted the internet that he was meant to be Shredder originally.
It's nice that Shredder was back as a Japanese guy but I think doing last minute reshoots may of cause more harm than good and left things to be rushed around.
I guessing the original version was going to have Shredder as a legacy character where Sacks pick up the mantle.
Note#5-Well according to the credits, Baxter is in the movie. He was barely seen on April's video of a recording of her childhood in her dad's laboratory. I'm guessing was meant to have a bigger role but his role must of been handed down Eric Sacks when the last minute reshoots happen. For all I know, the original version may have April fighting Baxter in the lab while Eric Sacks/Shredder was fighting the Turtles on the roof.
I'm going to make you watch Expendables 3...You cry...That Jet Li doesn't show up to the very last minute.
You cry...That the movies spends time on random young nobodies.
Notes- Most of the cast wasn't around in most of the movie,especially Jet Li. He doesn't show till the very end and all he did was pick up people in a helicopter. Forget what I said about the 2nd movie because he was in it for a short while and actually had action scenes.
I'm going to make you watch...The Giver...You will cry...When you see the movie...Is in color. Seriously, a colored movie, that the most stupidest thing I ever heard.
Note-This was based a book I read in reading class when I was in school. The world is suppose to be in black and white till the main character starts seeing colors halfway in the story. When the trailer came out, it barely resemble the book at all. It was all in color and showed scenes that weren't in the book. However, when I saw the 2nd trailer and the actual movie, it was far more closer than 1st trailer has ever shown. There are differences here and there like Meryl Streep as an antagonist than a generic chief elder or Jonas' crush having a bigger role but for the most part, it's does follow the book.
(Warning Spoilers)
I'm going to make you watch...The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies...You will cry...That the main villain dies in the 1st ten minutes. Well time to leave the theater.
You cry...That all the attractive dwarves are dead.
Note#1- I have read the book and I knew the dragon dies at this point looking at running time, he dies within ten minutes of the movie. I wonder what went through peoples heads when they saw the cliffhanger of the dragon leaving the mountain and getting ready to attack the village. They had to wait a whole year for the 3rd movie, only to see the dragon die in the 1st ten minutes.
Note#2- Most Dwarves look like short cartoonish furballs. I remember TBS was doing a commercial of how Aragron and Legolas were studs of Middle Earth while their ally was well...Gimli. When the Hobbit movies came out, women were surprised that some of them were actually...*gasp* attractive.
I'm going to force you to watch...Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer...You will cry...When you see...A black Stormtrooper.
Like WTF...Aren't all Stormtroopers cloned from a white guy named Jango Fett?
Notes-There's been a complaint about Stormtrooper played by a black guy. Here some things I'm going to point out, Jango Fett's actor isn't white, he's Maori or Native New Zealander.
Stormtroopers and Clonetroopers are two separate things. According to Extended Universe, Clones were expensive and rapidly ageing. The Empire shut down the clones after the Clone Wars and started recruiting. When Luke said he was going to sign up at the Imperial Academy, he was planning to be a Stormtrooper. Even in the Extended Universe isn't part of the new timeline, isn't the new cartoon part of it. They explain the difference between Storm and Clone. Also, this new guy may be in disguised like Luke and Han was in Episode 4 for all we know.
