You will Cry!!! An Another Prequel

Most of my silly movie threats is me joking to friends that I'm going to force them to go the movie theater and watch whatever big movie was out at the time. Sometimes it's because the movie's bad, sometimes it's based on noobish fanboys reactions, sometimes to pick on the movie over the silliest things. However I sometimes joke about movies that aired before 2009. Here's my 3rd collection of the pre-09 movies.

I'm going to make you watch Cloverfield...You will cry...You will cry...when you see 20 straight minutes of annoying collage kids being drunk and worry about their love drama that has nothing to do with the monster.

This is what your going to see for a while.

Note- There is alot movies out there that would built up to the star attraction. A way to set up the story and to tease the audience to keep watching. However with Cloverfield, these kids having nothing to do with the monster, there's no build up or anything. If you were watching the movie for the 1st time, you maybe be scratching your head and wondering if you got the right movie in the DVD player.

There are people I know in real life that simply hate this movie because of this twenty minute long scene.

There are dozens of giant monster/kaiju movies that build up to the star attraction. The original Godzilla has fisherman's boats being mysteriously destroy. Rodan had missing miners which leads to investigations. Mothra had boat refugees mysteriously unaffected from radiation from an island that was nuke test site. 90s Gamera had a mysterious strange island showed up in waters while a researcher was investigating reports of a "giant bird".

Even the hated 1998 Godzilla(aka Zilla) had mysterious footprints in the mud. And yes, it takes a hour and a half to see King Kong in the 2005 version but you know everyone is getting on a boat that's going to the mysterious Skull Island.

Here's a trailer of the movie if you want to see

*Spoiler warning for the movie. Skip to the next entry if you don't want to see*

You will cry...When you see...A masturbating Chucky.

Note- Chucky, his wife, and child plan to transfer their souls into human hosts. They plan to inject the female human with magical voodoo sperm to get her magically pregnant. Chucky grabbed a cup and look at certain magazines and I leave your minds on what happens next.

The Chucky series started as actual horror movies about a living killer doll but Seed of Chucky was more of a comedy starring psychotic killer dolls. If there is one scene that greatly stands out on how easily on how the Chucky series changed, it's the masturbating scene. In the past few years, Chucky made a comeback in straight-to-DVD films that back to full on horror again.

Here's the trailer if you want to see

I'm going to make you watch Spider-Man 3...Your will cry when you see Venom...For a few minutes.

When you see Peter Parker...As an dancing emo.

OMG!! It's Venom!!! Can't wait to see the Spider-Man 3!!! *fanboys after viewing the trailer*

Note#1- Venom is a popular Spider-Man villain. The story is that Spidey got a mysterious black suit that makes him more stronger. However it made him more aggressive. He learn that the suit is an alien symbiote. He forced the symbiote off himself and soon bonded with Eddie Brock(who hates Peter Parker). Together, the suit and Brock became the villain known as Venom.

However, Eddie Brock's story was rushed quickly in the movie and you see Venom in the last few minutes. I guess it's somewhat better than the Rhino's non-fight from Amazing Spider-Man 2 but still.

Everyone was happy seeing black suit Spidey in the posters because it means Venom will show up soon. Sadly, I remember there was more black suit Spider-Man toys, cupcakes, costumes than Venom.

The problem is the movie was also dealing with too many different villains within one movie with Sandman and Harry Osborn/Green Goblin. Also, Sam Raimi(the director) hated Venom but the studio forced him to put Venom in the movie. Shows why very little Venom was seen.

Note#2- When the suit got attached to Peter, he became a jerk, well more like a buffoon trying to pretend to be a cool jerk. He goes out to the streets and dances like an idiot. 

He literally change his hairstyle to emo-style once the black suit bonds to him.

Here's the trailer if anyone wants to see

You will cry...when you see Godzilla dies from missiles. Seriously missiles, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Who dies from missiles?

Note- The American 1998 remake is hated by the fans. Everything that made Godzilla as he is was not seen in the monster. Missiles would normally bounce off of Godzilla.

It was so bad that Japan quickly made their owned Godzilla movie in less than a year to show America how it's done. Japan made several jokes towards America for the next few years.
"Monsters resembling have been seen in the United States..."
"That wasn't Godzilla?"
"The Americans said it was Godzilla, but all the Japanese scientists denied it."
The movie Final Wars had the American one renamed as Zilla and fought Godzilla. This match only lasted 10 seconds long.
I kid you not, this battle between the two was short

The cartoon sequel was far more better received. It starred the offspring of Zilla and unlike his dad, Junior fights other monsters, shoot atomic breath, and is indestructible.
Here's the trailer if you want to see

You will cry...When you see Paris Hilton dies...Wait, that's is a good thing?


Note-Never saw the movie nor care. You know those women from the show, Keeping up with the Cardassians(or did there name started with a K?)

Those girls are everywhere on magazines and websites. Not everybody like them and they were popular because...well nothing really. Well back in the day, Paris Hilton was everywhere in the 00s and popular for nothing really asides from leaked sex tapes. She slowly faded from the news in the late 00s. She wasn't that well liked. Some people simply saw this movie to see her get killed.

You will cry...That you were spoiled that Arnie is the good guy


Note-The movie was set up that a different Arnold was hunting John Connor. Well surprise, surprise. Arnold is the good guy in the sequel.

Sadly, this was world's most open spoiler to the world. All the advertisement and promotions didn't hide the spoiler. Say what you want about Vader being Luke's dad but people didn't talk about that spoiler till after people saw the movie in 1980.

*Spoilers for Salvation and Genisys ahead*

Sadly history repeats. Salvation had an opened spoiler that the guy from the Avatar movie is a cyborg and Genisys has an opened spoiler that John Connor got converted into a Terminator.

Here's the trailer if you want to see

I'm going to make you watch Star Wars Special Edition...

1. You will cry...when you see that Greedo shot first.

2. That they replace Sebastian Shaw with Hayden Christensen

3. That Jabba has a CGI musical

4. That Vader said, "Noooo" again

5. That they added a beak to the Sarlacc

Note#1- In the late 90s, the original Star Wars Trilogy was played in theaters with added/changed scenes. As the movies got re-release on DVD and later Blu-Ray, even more changes were added. These changes were controversial. People say the movies were fine as they are and the changes make things worse.

Lucas doesn't even bother released the unchanged version on DVD. They did got released later on cheap poor quality versions but that's it. I have heard the original Star Trek had updated graphics on DVD but gave the option to the viewers to go back the unchanged version.

I was little kid when Star Wars was airing on TV stations. It took a while before TV stations started airing the Special Editions. I vaguely remember the unchanged versions but Star Wars fanboys remember and posted all over the internet.

The most infamous change was the scene with Han and Greedo. Greedo had Han at gunpoint but Han suddenly shot the guy. People loved that scene because it showed Han as an antihero but George Lucas change it to where Greedo shot and miss Han by pointblank range and Han fired back. Not only it ruined Han's coolness as an antihero and Greedo missing looks silly.

Note#2- The original series ended with Luke looking at the ghostly images of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and his father. 20 years later after the prequels were out, Lucas changed Anakin's ghost. This may or may not fixed up a plothole of why Anakin looks different. However, people were upset at the change. People say that Shaw is giving a warm smile while Christensen is giving a creepy smile. Also some people don't like Christensen or that Original Series purists want the Prequels completely separate from the original and an actor from the current running Prequels wasn't helping.

Note#3- Another hated change was Jabba had this musical scene of CGI creatures singing called Jedi Rocks. The CGI looks dated nowdays and the scene was really out of place. 

The fanboys say *googles the word* that Lapti Nek is better. *Looks for it on youtube*

I seen it and it's does look more fitting and not out of place. The music fits with the criminal underworld atmosphere.

Note#4- Vader falling on his knees shouting, "Nooooo" was one of the most mocked scenes from Revenge of the Sith. Too bad the Blu-Ray version had Vader shouted that again when he charge to the Emperor to save his son.

Note#5- This was one change that I clearly know that I hated before learning from the fanboys on the internet. The Sarlacc was this creepy pit monster in the sand. It was a bottomless pit with teeth. Lucas decided to insert a beak. This turns turn unknown creepy thing into an actual animal. It kinda ruined the scariness of the thing.