You Will Cry!!! In Japan!!!

Here's the next chapter of my silly Movie/TV threats. Here is some obscured material from Japan.







I'm going to make you watch Japanese Spider-Man. You will cry...You will cry...When you see Spider-Man...Summoning a giant robot into battle...Wait, WTF?

When you see Spider-Man...Gunning down the bad guys with an automatic gun. Wait, I thought most superheroes have this "do not kill" rule?

WTF...How in the world does Peter Parker have a giant robot. Where does he park it? Does the Daily Bugle pay him that well to have a giant robot? Does the Sinister Six stand a chance against this thing?

Here's the opening

Here's the trailer to the show

Note- In the late 70s, Marvel made a deal with Toei and created this bizarre show. The only connection I see to the popular Marvel character is the suit and he shoots web. The show is funny to laugh at.

You want to know something interesting about the giant robot. Well Toei is the same company that made the Japanese version of Power Rangers called Super Sentai. Power Rangers is made up of clips from Super Sentai and some newly made footage in America. Super Sentai is a few decades older than it's American counterpart and it was Spider-Man that inspired Toei to have a giant robot in all their shows to defeat the giant monsters. So yes, the reason Power Rangers have a Megazord is because of Peter Parker.

I'm going to make you watch the Japanese intro of X-Men:The Animated Series.

You will cry...

That Magneto can summon an army of Xenomorphs from the Alien movies.

I like to see Gandalf the Grey use this ability in the next X-Men movie.

How your innocent childhood cartoon is overly violent.

OMG!!! Cyclops just cut of the Xenomorph's heads with blood pouring out and spine bones can be seen.

That Beast can create earthquakes by punching the ground

I like to see Kelsey Grammer or Nicholas Hoult use this skill in the next X-Men movie.

Pimplord Professor Xavier

I thought Captain Kirk was the ladiesman, not Picard

That it lies to you that Cable is one of the main heroes and that Omega Red is a major recurring villains.

Note#1- The famous X-Men show from the 90s aired in Japan and they created their own opening with original animation. Alot people say despite how epic the American intro is, the Japanese one is far more cooler and epic. However there are things in the opening that's doesn't look right. One is useless teen member, Jubilee looks way too cool with her performing hadokens. Then you got Beast who is somehow strong enough to create earthquakes.

Another one is that major villain Magneto whose powers is magnetism looks like he can summon aliens. Those aliens are not Xenomorphs, they are called the Brood from the comics. They somewhat looked similar to the famous movie aliens. They never actually appeared in the show and only appeared in brief cameos.

Note#2- The intros made it look like Cable and Iceman are part of the gang. Iceman at least appeared in one episode as a former member of the gang. Cable only appears at least once a season(sometimes multi-parters) when he time-travels 2000 years back to present time.

Omega Red mainly appeared in two separate episodes in seasons one and five and that's it.

I'm going to make you watch the Japanese intro to Transformers:Animated

1. That they lie that they fight all over the world.

I don't remember them battling at these locations?

2. They lie to you that Arcee and Ironhide are major recurring characters.

Or lie that Blackout(And Grindor?) are major recurring villians.

3. Optimus going all Super Saiyan

What!? How are you doing this. Don't tell me the power of the Matrix because this incarnation of Optimus is more demoted janitor, he wouldn't have a holy relic in his chest.

4. That according to an early interview, this is a prequel to the Micheal Bay movies.....Which doesn't make a complete ounce of sense.

5. That's your upset of the abrupt cancellation of the show and all you see is Japan getting new shiny opening. 

Note#1-Transformers: Animated was a popular show in the late 00s. 95% of the show took place in the city of Detroit and some islands in the great lakes and the remaining percent took place on Cybertron and space.

Note#2- Arcee mainly appeared in Ratchet's tragic backstory, she only came back at the final two episodes in the series. She didn't wield a sword or clash with Blackaracnia underwater.

Ironhide was a character only appeared in cameos and flashbacks.  If Animated had a season 4,Ironhide would of joined the main team and sort of make it look similar to the 07 movie. However the Japanese intro came out before info of the show's unmade 4th season came out.

There was one scene where a group of Decepticons who never seen again. One of them was Blackout who is based on the helicopter bot from the 07 movie. He did had a similar looking bot in the 2nd movie called Grindor.

Note#3- Japan is known for their characters going all Super Saiyan on each other. It seems weird our American made show has Optimus glow all blue when he doesn't display this ability.

Note#4- An early interview said this was a prequel to the 07 movie. It doesn't work. Animated takes place in the 22th century with the Transformers being known to the public and having friendly relations. The Movies had them in secret and weren't know till the end of the 07 movie, midway in the 2nd movie In a poorly explained retcon.  and their relations with the humans are sour 

When the show actually aired, it wasn't remotely like what the interview said.

Note#5- Animated only lasted a year and half and it's sudden cancellation made fans unhappy. Later on, There were alot storylines planned like Megatron breaking out of prison, Sentinel's rise of power, Mirror Universe, Sari's backstory. Japan started to air the show and it came with this awesome opening. It was like our feelings being toyed with that Animated may come back in some form. Sadly it's not meant to be.

I'm going to make you watch Mutant Turtles: Superman Legend... You will cry...When you see the Turtles...Combine to form Turtle Saint...Wait what?

That the Turtles turn into tall green Wolverines.

That Shredder turns into a Godzilla-sized dragon.

Since when the Turtles were Voltron?

Hey Bub

Why would Shredhead become a giant dragon?

Here's a video that has the opening and a short recap of how the Turtles become Super Mutants

Note- I actually had some of the toys that was based off of Super Mutants and Metal Mutants versions when I was a kid. I think Turtle Saint aka Voltron wannabe is Japanese-only.

http://www.tmnttoys.com/95figures/metal/index.html

http://www.tmnttoys.com/95figures/supermutes/index.html

Japan wanted to advertise these new toys so they created 2 episodes based of these figures. It never came to America. It's very weird so see the Turtles all anime-like with them transforming into Super Sayian and then throwing Hadokens at each other. The 2nd episode is the TMNT going all Saint Seiya.(Never saw the show, I only saw a Transformers/Saint Seiya parody and that's it.)

It's kind of funny that Season 5 of 2003 series is about Turtles getting magical training to defeat a demonic Shredder that can turn into a dragon. Did that season rip off this obscure show?

I'm going to make you watch Super Mario Bros: Amada Anime Series....You will cry...When you see Mario....With a gun.

Oh no, Mario is member of the Mafia!

Note- This an obscure direct-to-tape show. Never released in America. It has 3 separate stories based on fairy tales. One of them has Mario using a gun. Can you imagine a family-friendly mascot wielding a gun? Is Mario telling kids that guns are fun?

I'm going to make you watch Super Mario Bros.: The Great Mission to Save Princess Peach! You will Cry...When you see Princess Peach...Ends with up Prince Haru...WTF?

I went through 8 long worlds to save you and you dump me for a loser prince.  If Bowser kidnaps you for the 342nd time, I ain't saving you.

Note- Obscure Mario movie in Japan. This was during the early days after Super Mario Bros came out. It's understandable that there's not alot things that don't match up with the game series nowadays like Luigi being greedy and wearing blue. One thing that is shocking and hard to accept is at the end of the movie, Peach ends up with some prince we never heard of. Mario leaves all heartbroken.

I'm going to make you read Transformers: Kiss Players. You will cry...When you see the Transformers...Making out with little girls....I feel sick.

I was going to make a Venom joke but this so wrong. It doesn't help that your tongue looks like a....

Marissa Farieborn and Optimus. She's the daughter of Flint and Lady Jaye from G.I. Joe. 

I thought Optimus had a girlfriend named Elita?

Marissa Farieborn 5 years later. I have a hard time believing that's the same person. Her hair color doesn't even match.

Note- In 2005/06, A new Transformers line was made in Japan called Kiss Players. The story is about Transformers gets powered up by getting kisses from young girls. Several comics were made based on Kiss Players and many Transformers fans on both sides of the pond were not happy about it. The creator of the series admitted he made this just because he wanted see people's jaws drop.

I think the legal age in Japan is 13 I believe so the whole girl art is more acceptable there. The girls in Kiss Players are old enough to drive despite the fact they don't look 16-ish.

I'm going to make you watch Transformers: Energon. You will cry...When you see... A mindless Starscream.

See Demolishor...As a dumb monkey.

See a flamboyantly gay Tidalwave

That our main heroes are Kicker and Ironhide...Ugh!!

That Unicron is supposedly gets destroyed, and then this story arc gets repeated twice within the same series.

Note- This is consider by most Transformers fans as the worse Transformers series ever made. 

The show is a sequel to Armada. The show ran out of plot very early on and it just drag on. There are several things wrong like deep characters like Starscream from Armada or Demolishor from the early episodes of Energon were brought back to life with their memories wipe. Their previous personalities were never brought up again. Even characters who don't get their memories wiped, there are others with hints of character development, but it doesn't go anywhere. Rodimus is at odds at Optimus suddenly works under him, Wing Saber forgot his revenge quest against Shockblast. Sixshot believed that Optimus killed his twin bro when it was really Galvatron and he never learns.

Other bad things is the animation is horrible and the American translation. People who hated Armada was starting to prefer it over Energon. The fact that a disliked show like Armada looks better in comparison shows how bad it's sequel is. I know the Micheal Bay movies are widely hated but I rather rewatch all five of those than rewatch all of Energon.

This is the show's wide range of emotions

Opening if anyone wants to see.

I don't get how a show that 7 years newer than Beast Wars have CGI that looks more outdated.

I'm going to make you watch Godzilla's Revenge....You will cry...That you wasted your time seeing a kid fantasized he's on Monster Island.

*Sighs* Our two main characters and they gave Jr. a dumb Goofy voice.

Note-The first Godzilla film made for kids. You could make the excuse that it's for children and not meant for older viewers but I don't buy it. Thing is that I seen this movie when I was somewhere between 6 to 8 and I hated this movie. When your a kid, there's alot crap you will like and than years later, you look back, and see some of the stuff you watch wasn't as great as you thought. This movie however, I saw as a horrible, horrible movie as a young kid. That alone tells you how bad this movie is.

As a young Godzilla fan, I wanted to see Godzilla fight monsters like King Ghidorah, Gigan or MechaGodzilla, fight evil aliens, join up with Rodan and Anguirus, attack cities that were in his way, not some dumb kid's made up fantasy. You never saw the real Godzilla at all in this movie and it was nothing but a waste of time. Heck, most of the scenes on Monster Island is made of stock footage from earlier films which give you more reasons to hit the fast forward button. They shouldn't dumb it down to kids.

Here's the trailer to the movie

Don't get excited because most of the scenes is recycled stock footage.

I'm going to make you watch the Godzilla movies from the late 60s to early 70s. You cry...When you see a talking Godzilla.

See Godzilla flying.

See Godzilla sliding on his tail.

Note-Most of the sillier Godzilla films can found in the late 60s and early 70s. Some people who may of only seen the early Godzilla films or any of his films from the 90s or 2000s will be in disbelief after seeing any of these scenes.

I'm going to make you watch Gamera vs. Viras. You will cry...When you see...30 straight minutes of stock footage.

Note- Gamera is Godzilla's business rival. Like what Sonic is to Mario. While Godzilla slowly went from villain to anti-hero to cool hero to goofy hero to back to cool hero before the series rebooted. Gamera quickly went from villain to friend of children and guardian of the universe in the span of 2 films before he got his 90s reboot. His films are far more sillier, cheaper, and more campier than Godzilla's.

In Gamera vs Viras. There was a scene where the aliens try to learn about Gamera and we see 30-long minutes of stock footage of his earlier films. The next thing they do is mind-control him and he destroys the same exact dam from his brief villain days and then goes on to destroy the city in black and white footage with a tint of red. (His 1st movie is black and white)

I'm going to make you watch Gamera vs Jiger. You will cry...when you see live footage of an elephant getting operated.

Note-Despite obliviously being aimed towards young kids far more so than Godzilla's silliest films in the late 60s/early 70s, it's far more violent. You had Gamera was in screaming in pain with arrows or shurikens embedded in his arms. One had Gamera killed one enemy by drowning it in it's own blood. There was one where two of Gamera's foes fought each other and one of them got it's wings cut off, then his still twitching head, then it's torso sliced up like a carrot and the piece was held up like a potato chip.

Warning, for those with weak stomachs, please skip the next paragraph. It is be very gory and this isn't make believe violence about rubber suit monsters. This is real live footage.

Well in the movie, Gamera was infected with a parasite and the humans were comparing it to elephant. They showed a film on a projector and showed live-footage of an elephant with it's tusk with maggots inside. The humans then use knifes to operated on it's tusk.

Seriously, what the world would this be shown in any movie, especially for young kids.

I'm going to make you watch Gamera: Super Monster. You will cry...When you see Gamera... killing himself in a lame way.

Note- The last of the classic Gamera films. Gamera vs. Viras had 1/4 of it's movie in stock footage that can be easily cut out while this movie is 98% made of stock footage. The main villain that's rarely seen throughout the movie is a Star Destroyer ripoff that you can see in the pic above. It resurrects all of Gamera's foes and they fight the same exact way as they did in the earlier films and Gamera kills them the same exact way. If you were brought back from the dead and fighting the guy killed you in the same exact location, wouldn't you try to avoid your death and use different tactics.

Speaking of stock footage, he gets mind-controlled again and attacks the same exact dam the 3rd time. The only original footage of Gamera is him flying over the city for a few seconds and him going kamikazi on the Star Destroyer ripoff in a poorly edited fashion. Is this how you kill off a beloved character? You end the series in a lame and terrible way? This movie is bad as Godzilla's Revenge.

From what I heard, the film company Daiei went bankrupt sometime after the previous Gamera film which was 1971. In 1980, They try to get out of bankruptcy by making this film...it didn't work. Thankfully, Gamera got a big reboot in the mid-90s.

You will Cry!!! Commercial Edition

Here's a collection of silly threats of some of the worse commercials that I joked before


"I'm going to make you watch Quizno's road killed hamsters. You will cry...You will cry...That you haven't eaten a sub from that place due to the fact those ugly rodents scare and annoy you."



Click to watch the commercial




"I'm going to make you watch the K-Mart 2013 Christmas commercial. You will cry...You will cry... When you hear...The most annoying sound for 30 long seconds."

I can't hit the mute button fast enough

 Click to watch the commercial

"I'm going to make you watch the Cash For Gold commercial...You will cry...You will cry...When you see that annoying chicken. Gee, I want to cut his head off for annoying me every time his head pops up."

Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!

Click to watch the commercial

"I'm going to make you watch the Go Daddy kissing commercial."

Yuck

The joke is that these 2 opposites end up together but they end up kissing for a long time. The fact they let the camera keep rolling for a while means that they did this on purpose and knew this be yucky to the viewers.

"I'm going to make you watch The Burger King commercials from mid to late 2000s. You will cry when your wake up next to this guy."

Ahhh! Stay away from me!

Click to watch the commercial

Here's another creepy one





There's another one where a woman said he's good with his hands. Eww!

I don't want to think about his hands





"I'm going to make you watch the fat loss commercial. You will cry...You will cry...When you see a man... crossdressing for no good reason."

Click to watch the commercial

This is the worse commercial of all time. All the others were trying to be cute, annoying, creepy or a mix of all the above. This guy is crossdressing for no good reason. I don't see the joke or punchline.

When I see a guy crossdress in media, it's meant to be funny for a joke or funny scene. In FF7, we laugh at Cloud because is force to dress like a girl to rescue his friend and you can easily tell he doesn't like it.


In the movie, Blast from the Past. There's a funny scene after a few decades living in a fallout shelter where Christopher Walken thinks his town got nuked back in the day. He meets one of the people on the surface.

Anyways, This is how you do a crossdressing joke. Not just randomly putting on girl's clothes and make up.

You will Cry!!! 11

Here is a list of silly movie threats from 2011

"I'm going to make you watch Red Riding Hood...You will cry...You will cry...when you see that the fairy tail...Has been Twilightized "

 

Note- I'm not joking, this movie is a Twlightized version of the classic fairy tail. The girl is in a love triangle and has romance scenes in the forest just like sparkling vampire movies. It also shares the same director of Twilight. No I haven't seen this movie nor do I care.




 Since when did the middle ages had hair gel?

The big bad wolf is a werewolf just like Jacob and he is in this love triangle with Red Riding Hood.



Here's the trailer if anyone wants to see.

Sucker Punch-"I'm going to make you watch Sucker Punch...It has sexy sword-welding schoolgirls, giant robots, dragons, Nazis, zeppelins, giant robot samurais with swords and giant gatling guns. Like duuuude!!!"

"Like Duuuude!!!"

 

  

Note- I told people about this movie and they think I was making this up based on every fanboy fantasy I can think of. I haven't seen this movie but I have heard it wasn't really that good.
Here's the trailer if anyone wants to see.





Thor- I'm gonna to make watch Thor...You will Cry...That this movie is everything that Son of Mask should of been.

Note- When I think worst movie ever made, one of the 1st things that comes to my head is Son of Mask. It's funny that I'm comparing a horrible movie to this enjoyable Marvel flick but how many movies do you know that features Norse gods? I got nothing else to compare it to. (The lame cheap knock off that's trying to cash in Marvel's Thor don't count) Hollywood likes to focus on Greek myths more it seems.

Trailer if anyone wants to see

Water For Elephants- “You will cry…You will cry…When you see…That the main character is the pale boy from Twilight... Ok it doesn’t have anything to do with Twilight but it stars the guy from the sparkling vampires movies and therefore the movie is going to bad and I going to judge it on that alone.”


Note- Never saw the movie. I can see people being judgmental on that movie just simply they see a star from a movie series they don’t like. For all I know, he may be a good actor. I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on TV one day and I was surprised the other sport runner from Hogwarts is Edward himself. He seem fine in the movie to me.

X-men First Class- “You will cry...You will cry...When you see the naked blue girl... is only in her naked blue form for 3 scenes. Also, why did I see Dr. Manhatten’s blue glowing you-know-what for 3 straight hours in the movie Watchmen but not her in her blue form in this movie? That's not fair.”

This is how Mystique normally looked in the original X-Men trilogy. Played by popular fashion model/actress, Rebecca Romijn.

This is what she looked 80% of the film. Played by random nobody Jennifer Lawrence. *One year later, Hunger Games comes out* I'm sorry, I mean popular actress.

This is how she look 15% in the film.

This is how he look 95% of the time in the movie, Watchmen. WTF man.

Note- I just found something funny to compare to Watchman since in the original X-Men flicks, Mystique is best known for being blue and naked, which you hardly see in this prequel. She goes through a character arc where she accepts to appear in her blue form. The movie does still have eyecandy towards male viewers, most of the females wore short skirts. One of the females was a stripper before she joined the X-men.

 

Here's a trailer if anyone wants to see




Green Lantern- "You will cry...When you see The Green Lantern...Is played by a white dude."

 

WTF man, why you turn him into a white dude.

 

Note- One of the stupidest things I heard before the movie came out is that people were complaining that The Green Lantern isn't black in this movie. The thing is that there has been multiple Green Lanterns over the years. The white guy is called Hal Jordan and he is the most well known of the Green Lanterns. The black guy is called John Stewart and he is a lesser known one until the TV show called Justice League came out with John as one of the main characters. This show also boosted his popularity.

The sad news is that some people may be only familiar with this Green Lantern. Dudes, do a quick google search before start you ranting. I never read any of the comics or seen other TV shows but I know well enough that there's been different ones.

 

Trailer if anyone wants to see 

 

 

 

 

 

Transformers: Dark of the Moon- “You will cry…You will cry...When you see… that Megan Fox isn’t in the movie.”

"You cry when you see Soundwave....Getting all tentacley with Carly."

"That Shockwave is the main villain/ or That Shockwave isn't the main villain."

"That you don't witness the death of the twins."

Note #1- Ok this is stupid. People actually think Megan Fox was really that important to Transformers. She's simply Sam "Spike" Witwickly's girlfriend at the time, nothing more. Some people think this is a bad movie just simply because she wasn't in it.*rolleyes*  The movies can go on without her. They should be happy that Spike's new girlfriend is named Carly who based off the orginal guy's girlfriend and later wife from the original series. They're going crazy over a new character that's never been in Transformers.

Spike and Carly. No she doesn't look anything like a Victorian Secret Model.

Gee, we watch these films to hopefully see the robots, not the humans even doe they hog the screentime in these movie.


Note #2-There was one scene that where Soundwave chases Carly and said, "Your mine!". He grabs her, throws her in his car mode, and sprouts his tentacles and slowly surround her with them. There is alot of weird porn out there like furry porn and tentacle porn. Tentacle porn is a monster raping people with it's tentacles. This one scene seem seconds away of becoming one.



Note #3-

A year before the Dark of the Moon came out, we were told that Shockwave is the main villain of the 3rd Transformers movie. Sadly, people who are unfamiliar with the comics complain, saying that Shockwave is loyal to Megatron. That's true in the original cartoon but not in the comics.

 

 

[Warning Spoilers. Skip to the next part to avoid it.]

 

Shockwave as the villain seems like a good idea but this was a lie to hide the plot twist that Sentinel Prime was the true villain of the movie. I don't mind that Sentinel as the main villain but they shouldn't hyped up Shockwave like that and turn him into a minor villain.

 

Note#4

[Waring Spoilers. Skip to the next part to avoid it]

 

In the comics and novels adaptations of the 3rd movie. During the scene where Sentinel showed his true colors and lay waste to the Autobots' base, Sentinel fire at Bumblebee but Skids jump in and took the hit and die. Mudflap saw his bro die and charge to his killer, only to share the same fate.

 

That's right, almost everyone's least favorite robots in the live-action movies get killed off and you don't get to witness it.

 

The twins were meant to be in the movie and GM provided the cars but Micheal Bay didn't want to have backlash of the twins again, so he remove from the film, including their deaths.

 

 

 

Trailer

 

 

 

Harry Potter and the Deadly Hollows part 2- “You will Cry....That the movie blacks out halfway through and you have to wait 30 minutes for the movie to come back on.”

Note- This is a personal experience at the theaters. It happen around where Draco was wrecking havoc. I didn’t mind the “Intermission” since the butter was all over in my mouth and my drink is empty. Good time to get a drink refill to wash the butter popcorn out of my mouth. I joked in the theater that this was the end of part 2 and there is a part 3 coming soon.



Trailer

 

 

 

 

“I’m going to make you watch Cowboy and Aliens.

Note- The title says it all. A lot people think I was making this up until they saw the TV stations showing advertisements.

Trailer

 

 

 

 

The Smurfs- "I'm going to make you watch The Smurfs...You will Cry...That the movie...Takes place in New York!"

 

Note- People may believe the movie exist but the fact it takes place in New York is the last thing people will imagine.

 

Trailer

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Immortals-"You know, I not going to say anything bad. The story of Theseus and the Minotaur is a more realistic take on the classic myth just like the movie Troy. Theseus is fighting a large man wearing a metal bull helmet and it was a dark cave so he didn't see the man clearly. He may of told people about his encounter with the beast that inspire legends of this battle......Wait a minute, what am I thinking? This movie contains kung-fu ninja gods fighting an army of zombies called The Titans. I don't think having a realistic take on the myth would work when all the magical stuff is going on. Also why are the Titans zombies? 

Wasn't a big fan of the movie but watching the Greek gods doing epic kung-fu ninja skills looked cool.

Trailer

 

 

 

 

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows- "You will Cry...You will Cry....When you see Robert Downey, Jr....In drag!"

 

 

 

 

Nooo! I can't look at Iron-Man the same again. This is going to ruin the upcoming Avengers movie for me.

 

Trailer