Behind the scenes: The Lonokean Empire Saga Part 2: Accountants and Assassins

If you guys haven't figure out what my two stories were based on. It's Magic Mike and Jet Li's Hero.

Long before I had my blog set up. I asked someone what movie they want me to make a parody and they asked the movie, Hero. I quickly came up with two little sentences about meeting the new emperor of the Lonokeon Empire. At the time, I had the original draft for the original Lonokeon Empire story already wrote.

It was kinda fitting in a way. Both stories are based on ancient times with swords and emperors.

I did had a request to do the movie Magic Mike a few months ago. I declined the offer quickly. For one thing, most of my parodies are based on action movies, not drama. I remember I was talking to a friend of mine about my stories and movies and all of a sudden, a women who heard part of the conversation started busting in and discuss that The Butler was a good movie. I was like, "err...ok." I sure it's a good and everything but that is no where near the type of movie I can put in my silly stories.

My friends have tease me about seeing Magic Mike. A straight male like me is less likely want to see a movie about male strippers. However I figure go ahead on making the story. Since the main character is based on your truly going through the movie's plot, it be funny to see the main character's big mistake on how he ended up with an undercover job he didn't like and then leading to one big fight scene.

I did had plans on writing the story about the assassins in the Lonokeon Empire but with the request on Magic Mike. I figure make this story as a little teaser for the next story.

I admit I didn't actually watch Magic Mike. I just look up the movie online. I heard it's a good movie that has a good story regardless if the movie has alot female eye candy.

Most of the enemies in the Magic Mike parody are based on actual characters that were in the movie.

• The Dallas Cowboy player is based on Matthew McConaughey's Dallas
• Female bodyguard was based on Olivia Munn's Joanna who was Tatum's on and off girlfriend. Her having purple hair and purple energy blades is based on her character called Psylocke in X-Men: Apocalypse.
• Jungle King is based on Kevin Nash's Tarzan. Him turning into a super soldier mutant thing is based on Nash's Super Shredder in Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze. Yes, that was an anticlimactic battle where he killed himself.
• Big Richard/The Terminator/Alt.Universe One Eye is based on Joe Manganiello's Big Dick Richie. As the time of writing this, he is being cast as Deathstroke/Slade Wilson in the upcoming DC films. Then again, things may change since it's early early production. I remember the Braking Bad guy was announced as Lex Luthor was all over the news but we got stuck with the guy from The Social Experiment.

My fight with The Terminator was based on the epic boss fight from Arkham Origins.

Just to let anyone know. Deathstroke sometimes being called the Terminator in the comics actually predated the Terminator films by a few years.

Him being the alternate universe incarnation of One Eye from my Heroes vs. Baddies stories was a spur of the moment idea as I was writing the battle. I kinda envision that One Eye in my stories was this mean looking grey-hair guy with an eye-patch. Which is exactly what Deathstoke looks like unmasked(well in certain versions, he sometimes have dark hair.)

The ending where the male strippers were out of a job and working in furniture stores is was the lead character wanted to do once he retires from stripping.

Strato's real name as Mikey was sort of a last minute idea.

Speaking of Mikey. When I was getting ready to write the battle. I was like, wait a minute, I'm fighting Donnie Yen. I didn't want end the battle too quickly. I threw in battles from Donnie's other films like Ip Man, Killzone, and Once upon a time in China 2.

I had to write the story a little differently from the movie. Jet Li's main goal was to kill the emperor. My goal was to mainly kill the assassins and give warning to the emperor.

In some versions of the tale, certain assassins lived or never fought Jet Li. I had to make sure all three were actually slain along with the pupil.

I had explained why only the indoors of the collage was painted white and nothing else. The battle at the lake only happen in the blue flashback in the film but I moved the battle much later. Plus the witnesses at Slush's battle had to either be lying or they're all colorblind. The colors themselves were never mentioned by the characters in the movie but my story was making jokes on how the entire campus wastes time and money on painting everything

Of course I not going to let myself die. Just because that's how Hero ended isn't how I going to end it.

Assassinate the Assassins of the Lonokeon Empire chapter 2

View chapter 1


Slush plan to meet up with me later that morning. Alot spectators would be there watching the fight.


We entered at the soccer court to engage in battle. She pulled out her two giant leafblowers and release powerful blasts. I pulled out a giant sheet of cardbored and planted in the ground. I use it for cover from the air blasts. Once they died down, I pick up the cardbored and threw it at my enemy. The tools were knocked out of her hands. She then pulled out a foam sword that was painted icy blue. The spectators were shouting, "FIGHT..FIGHT..FIGHT!!"

We clashed our foam swords for several minutes. I swing my toy sword at hers and cause it to fly to the side for a second. Seeing the opening before me, I slash across her abdomen.

She stopped fighting when she found out she was finished, she said, "Let me die gracefully." She soon spin herself three times before hitting the ground.

I was done telling the my story on how I defeated the assassins.



I saw the emperor look at me and said, "You lie! I don't believe what you told me. Is telling made up stories is your hobby?"

He took off his sunglasses and threw them to the side. "For one thing, my sunglasses come with built-in lie detecting sensors. As emperor, I got to know if somebody is planning on double crossing me before it's too late."

He look the contents of the shoebox he received earlier and turn his head back at me. "Well I'm sure there's some truth to story. I will tell on how I believe how the story went."


"You wanted to assassinate me but to do that, you need some way to get close to me. You saw part of the reward for slaying the assassins was drinking sparkling champagne with me. You and Strato were in the plan and he lose on purpose."

The emperor continue on his version of the story, "After that, you met up with the two assassins disguise as collage professors. You told them that one had to die in front of all those spectators. Slush offer to die but Broken Toy Lightsaber disagree with her and they clashed but she accidentally mortally wounded him in battle. She fought you and lost on purpose. Not only that, but you lie on the colors. The spectators who saw the fight said that everything from the mountains, to the trees, to the outside of the building was blue."


I said to him, "Well it was the beginning of the month. They just finish painting the inside walls of the collage. They yet to paint everything else."

The Emperor said, "I remember three months ago, Slush and Broken Toy Lightsaber stage an attack on me. Back when my throne room's walls were painted green. The theme that month suppose to be nature."

He pulled down his collar a little and showed me a small scar on his neck, "One of them manage to scratch me. Thankfully he didn't get another hit on me. They were overpowered by my guards and they were forced to retreat."

I said to him, "Well you are right. I did lie about some stuff in my story. I guess I have no choice but to tell what really happen. I admit the colors weren't red at all. I lied about that because you wouldn't think that killers have white walls inside their collage that has meanings like pureness. It was the beginning of the month so they haven't had the time to paint everything outside just yet. Blue mean calmness so I worried you wouldn't believe me but it turns out you had witnesses of my fight against Slush."



I begin to tell him the true story. I told him that my fight with Strato was exactly the same. I told him afterwards, I did went to the two assassins at the collage and met up with them at the campus' library. I told them I formed a plan to get near the emperor but I needed to stage a fight with one of them.

They wanted to see my sword skills. I did what they ask and I perform one strike against a bookcase. Soon, the entire bookcase fell into a million pieces. Luna said, "Oh great, whose going to clean this up now?"

Broken Toy Lightsaber said, "Well I heard a few people who didn't dress up at football practice, we get them to clean it."

Slush said to me, "I will go and be part of your fight so you can get near the emperor."

Her boyfriend told her he won't allow it. They soon clash blades. The fight ended with Slush accidentally wounding her boyfriend. Thankfully for him, it didn't hit any major organs. He was taken to a hostpital to heal. Thankfully, the Lonokeon Universe's version of Medic(from the Heroes vs Baddies) quickly heal him up in two hours and he was out of his bed.


Luna was mad at Slush for getting her master wounded and challenge her to the death. The fight happen just the same as it was originally told.


Later that morning, my battle with Slush was about to begin. I whisper to her, "The truth is, it's not just the emperor I'm after, it's you guys as well. I know he's not your number one target and I preventing that from ever happening."

Her eyes open wide about the info I just gave her. Her eyes narrowed and said, "I think I know who you are. I will kill you."

As I prepare for battle stance, she pulled out her two giant leaf blowers and the battle went the same as it was originally told.


I then plan to meet with Broken Toy Lightsaber at the blue lake. The collage plans to pour white dye in the waters later this week for the new month's theme.

He was there at the far end of the lake. I heard a noise from my walkie talkie. I turn it on and listen, "I did not want her to die. You should pay for this."

I replied to him, "You want to tell you what I told your girlfriend before I fought her.."

I told him the same exact thing I told Slush. His eyes widen on the revelation and now look like really want to kill more so than ever.

Both of us charge to each other as we ran across the lake. Only for us to quickly fall in the water because two regular humans doing this technique is impossible.

We than try to fight again in life rafts. We paddled with our foam swords. Soon we got near, we get ready to swing at each other. However the current drifted us away from each other.

We finally agreed to battle on solid ground. We clashed blades for a few minutes till I manage to strike him down.

This was the end of my story of how I defeated them.



The emperor asked me, "So you admit I'm one of your targets but what interest me more is that you wanted to stop them from killing their number one target. I'm curious who it is?"

I told him, "Well for one thing, your number 15. The very last entry."

The emperor's eyes widen and asked, "I'm not important enough?! Who are they people?!

I answered, "Your youngest brother is more mad at a guy at Burger Prince for forgetting the mayo on his burger, the creepy mascot from the Wendy's commercials, a guy that cut him off in the road, Ryan Reynonds for ruining Wolverine in X-Men Origins, Joss Whedon for rushing a Iron Man v Captain America film that's rushing to set up for an Avengers movie, and several more."

The Emperor asked, "Whose the top target?"

I told him, "the person...is me."

He ask, "Why you?"

I told him, "My name isn't Untitled...it's Chris."

His eyes widen and press himself back towards his throne in fear. "Your..Your him. The man who slain my father."

I told him, "Yes, I was the one who defeated him which cause the army to retreat back to your universe."

I then told him what else happen, "Two months ago, I was tracking down an accountant that was working for my enemies. I heard they were at a male strip club. When I got there, I was attack by a mercenary whose stage name was Big Richard, however he prefer to be called by his assassin code name, the Terminator."

"The two lovebirds attack on you three months ago wasn't to kill you, it was really a distraction so the Terminator can sneak in and use your dimensional gate. He snick in the strip club and leak info on the accountant, just so he can confront me. Since learning about the assassins that were after me. I went to a secret agency that's located deep underneath Cabot. The agency had developed their own dimensional gate and I use it to come here and take the fight to the assassins themselves."

The emperor asked, "Then why are you after me?"

I jump into air and landed in front of him with my foam sword aimed at his neck. "Because I wanted you to know how I sneak in, killed three highly trained assassins, and got this close to stabbing you. Remember this if you ever plan to invade our universe."

I pulled out a device with a button sticking out and I pressed it." Now I should signal my universe. It should take three minutes for them to open the gate for me." Soon, guards started flooding the room.

I quickly grab the Emperor and use him as a hostage. They said, "Don't fire." They kept their eyes on me but dare not attack. I slowly walk towards the throne room's exit.

Soon the place was shaking. In the confusion, I quickly threw my hostage to the ground as I leave the area.

One of the advisers was helping the Emperor back to his feet. The ruler pulled out a walkie talkie and press a button, "What was that?" He got a replied, "My lord, it turns out the machine that powers the dimensional gate was damaged by what it seems to be 20 Nerf bombs. It doesn't look like it can be repaired"

The Emperor slammed his communication device to the ground.


I got to the main gate that leads outside the castle's walls. It was closed down and there was no way to escape. I pulled out my cell phone to check on the time and it seems I only have one minute left.

I look back to the front entrance saw the angry emperor standing there with hundreds of guards armed with dart guns. New Evil Lonokeon Emperor shouted, "FIRE!"

They fired their darts high in the air and start raining on me. This may be it. I could die from this onslaught.



Or not. I reach in my pockets and pulled out a giant net. I threw into the air and it capture nearly all the arrows. The remaining ones were too far away where I was standing.

Suddenly, a portal opened right behind me. I look to the emperor waved goodbye. I soon jumped into the gate and went back to my home world.

The Emperor fell on his knees, reached out to where I was, and shouted, "NOOOO!"

After a minute in pity, he calmed down and said to one of his advisers, "Well at lease I know who hired the assassins. I need to execute my youngest brother." The adviser replied, "Sir I should let you know I got a letter today. I was going to tell you after the meeting with the man. The letter is from your brother and it says that he's been granted amnesty in the Confederate States and he wanted to tell you that he didn't hire assassins to take the throne, he did it as payback for all the times you bullied him when you were kids."

The emperor started to get angry and screamed into the air in frustration.

The End

Assassinate the Assassins of the Lonokeon Empire chapter 1

Here's my another story about the Lonokeon Empire. Yes, it's obviously a parody of a certain movie. I was requested to make this parody. Well Enjoy.



I have no name, I'm simply a generic nobody. I am called...Untitled.

I am being transported in a limo to meet with the New Emperor of the Lonokeon Empire.

The Lonokeon Empire is located in an alternate universe. The empire stretches from Tulsa,OK to Springfield,MO, to both Jacksons(Tennessee and Mississippi), to Alexandria, LA, to Tyler,TX.

The capital is the great metropolis known as Lonoke.

We are surrounded by the borders of United States, Confederate States, Republic of Texas, New France, and West Florida.

Two years ago, The Empire traveled across dimensions and invaded central Arkansas. However, the citizens of that universe quickly formed an army and prevent the invasion of central Arkansas. The battle led to the death of Evil Lonokeon Emperor. Many people flee back into their own universe. Some stayed behind for revenge of the fallen emperor. Their attack was soon foiled.

Since that event, the empire been at civil war for the past two years. The fallen emperor had fathered many children and many of them seek the throne, causing wars all over the entire empire.

Things have settled down finally. New Evil Lonokeon Emperor now leads the land. His remaining brothers and sisters were forced to accept his rule. If they refused, they be beheaded by foam sword.

One of his siblings hired several assassins to take care of the new emperor and they attack him two months ago. It seems they plan to attack again and the ruler of the land would reward the person greatly for slaying these assassins. The Emperor is conducting an investigation on which sibling hired them.

I have put an end to these assassins just recently. For slaying his would-be killers, I am summoned to the his court to be rewarded.



I was presented to New Evil Lonokeon Emperor. His throne and the entire room was all black. He was dressed in leather jacket, sunglasses and a black crown. From what I heard, he likes to go on a different theme on his throne room every month. This month is "Cool".

I gave one of his servants a shoebox. He showed New Evil Lonokeon Emperor the contents of the shoebox. Inside was a tip of a silver-painted pool noodle, a icy blue toy foam sword, and a broken toy lightsaber. This is the proof that his would-be killers were slain.

His servants rewarded me with three gift cards with the currency of 50,000 Lonokes in each one. I sat down in front of his highness. His bodyguards poured us some sparkling champagne in our cups.

As the servants walked away, The Emperor said, "Thank you for taking care of those assassins. I can't believe they dare to attack me. With them after my head, how am I to reestablish order and expand my empire?"

He drink down his champagne and looked at me. "So tell me, how did you stopped these assassins? It's hard to believe you put a stop to them."

I told him that a few days ago, I was entering a chess tournament to that was outside of a storage building. I was there to confront the pool-noodlesmen named Mikey. His assassin code name is Strato.

I watch for a minute for him to finish his game. Once he was done, I asked him if he was the assassin. He said "Yes, I am." He grab his silver-colored pool noodle while I grab my foam sword and get in battle stance.

A bystander was watching us and played on his banjo. The light rain was falling and softly splashing on our heads. With the mix of the rain making us drowsy and the musician's relaxing music. Both of us fell asleep while standing up.



I was dreaming I was continuing our fight. For some reason, it was like the place had low gravity. When we jump during battle, it was like we were floating.

We both quickly open our eyes when the musician broke one of his strings, causing a sharp noise that release us from our sleep.

Now that we were awake, we went back to fighting. I charge straight at him with foam sword pointing towards him. He swing his weapon at me but I slice off the tip of his weapon and slash him across his chest.

To my surprise, he survive the blow. Maybe killing him with a toy weapon was a dumb idea. I asked him, "How you survive?"

Strato answered, "I have armor underneath my clothing."

He then kicked my weapon out of my hand. It was sent flying into an a small alley that leads to the inside of the building.

I ran to the alley to pick up my weapon, when all of a sudden, a wooden table was thrown in front. It perfectly landed on it's four legs. Strato quickly ran up to the table and jumped on top of it.

"If you want to retrieve your weapon, you have to go through me first." I did as he asked and I jump on top of the table. We then engage into hand to hand combat.

Unfortunately for me, this guy is very very fast. Every blow I throw, he blocks them and quickly counterattack. I was barely lucky to block some of his punches. I had think of another strategy.

I looked down for a second and decide to do something unsuspected. I slammed my foot into the table, breaking it into two. The half he was on was flipped upward. He had to jump off to regain his balance.

I wasted no time, I jumped off the table and went down the alley to grab my weapon. It was deeply embedded into the ground and couldn't pull it out. I turned my head and saw Strato coming towards me with a butter knife in his hand.

I had no choice but to brake the foam sword in half to combat my foe. We than clash our weapons.

Unfortunately again, he was super fast on blocking my every move and I was quickly ending up on the defensive side.

I had to do something unpredictable again and threw my broken foam sword at his face. He quickly blocked the attack. With him briefly distracted from my throwing knife. I entered the building



Inside was a storage room. I saw a collection of pool noodles inside a box. I look towards where I entered the building and saw Strato coming. Quickly, I grab one of pool noodles and attempted to stab him with it.

The man flipped several times to dodge my attacks. He quickly grab a 10-foot long wrapped piece of cloth sitting in a bucket of water.

With one swing of his weapon, it hit my pool noodle and broke 2/3 of it. He threw his new weapon at me like a whip and I rolled out of the way just in time. The tip of cloth struck the wall that was standing behind me and blew a hole through it.

I jumped into the air and perform a No Shadow Kick on him. Strato fell back but he quickly jump back to regain his balance.

The assassin than threw the cloth to wrap it around my neck and choke me to death. I held up broken piece of the pool noodle near my neck to prevent me be strangle to death. Very quickly, I dragged the sharp broken end of the pool noodle down the cloth, easily slicing it in half. I continue running down with the broken end of the toy till I got up close to him and slashed across his neck. Soon red blood coming out of it like rest mist.

The assassin known as Strato has fallen.



With one assassin out of the way, I plan to go after the other two. They are called, Slush and Broken Toy Lightsaber.

I heard that these two were lovebirds and they work undercover at a French writing class at a collage in a small town called Little Rock. In this universe, France never did sell it's territory to the US. In order for the people of the empire to trade with it's northern neighbors, it's best to learn their language.

The people at the collage take their writing classes very seriously. If a rain of arrows was on falling into their building, they will still be sitting in their classroom seats, taking their courses.

Like the Emperor's throne room, the people here like to have themes. Every month, they repaint their walls, the leafs of the trees, and they even pour large buckets of paint on top of a mountain to make it look like a certain colors.

The theme was blood red, which is fitting since two of undercover assassins.



I went inside and asked for a meeting with the two professors. When the meeting started, they ask me to sit at their table.

I pulled out a shoebox and told them, "I have a gift to show you." I opened it and show them the broken off tip of Strato's pool noodle. They look shocked and horrified.

I look to Slush and told her, "Right before he pass away, he told me the best date he had was with you last Friday."

Broken Toy Lightsaber quickly rose up from his seat and look angry and confused. "You did what? I can't believe this! After everything that happen with us?! You are ..You are a hussy!"

He storm out of the office in anger. Slush quickly got up and chase after him. She followed him down a hall.

Broken Toy Lightsaber saw a young professor named Luna passing by. She is Broken Toy Lightsaber's pupil being on trained as an assassin.

She said hi to him. He quickly surprise her by wrapping his arms around her and suddenly giving her a kiss. As he was kissing her, he open an eye to see if Slush was watching.

The female assassin got angry and stomp her foot into the ground and walk off with a huff.



Late at night, Broken Toy Lightsaber was in the kitchen, dressed with his pajamas and night cap. He was grabbing a small plate of cookies for his midnight snack.

He walk down the hall, heading back to his bedroom. Little did he know that Slush was behind him, dressed in red ninja gear.(Wearing black with these bright red walls won't be good camo). She pulled out a foam sword and stabbed he ex-boyfriend in the stomach.



The next morning, everybody in the collage found Broken Toy Lightsaber's dead body laying in the hallway. All the students and staff were surprised on this murder. Luna on the other hand knew full well who the culprit was. She walk to Slush and whisper to her to meet in a forest full of yellow leaves.(The collage only has enough money to paint certain areas.)



When they meet, Slush saw that Luna's eyes were red from all the crying and showing rage. Luna said, "You were mad that he profess his love for me yesterday and you killed him for it. For that, you should die for that."

She pulled out two green toy lightsabers and charge to the other assassin. Slush had a surprise to her attacker and pulled out two giant leaf blowers. With a powerful blast, it send large bundles of leafs to Luna. The assassin-in-training slashed though the leafs and when she got an opening on her foe, Slush fire a blast at the ground that sends her body to fly airborne like she was slowly floating.

She fired another blast and it send another swarm of leafs to attack Luna. The assassin-in-training slash at every single one of them. Once the coast was clear, she felt something pressed against her back. She heard, "You're finished!"

A shot from the leaf blower blasted a hole through Luna's body.

Once Luna's dead body hit the ground. Slush then fell to her knees and started crying. She said to herself in her tears, "How did it ended like this. All of us killing each other." She then came to realized something, "That's right, the man known as Untitled is responsible. He spread the lies of me being with Strato to make my boyfriend jealous. He will pay!"

View Chapter 2