It's been 10 years since Evil Dude was defeated. The long title people who help defeated Evil Dude like Chris, Pretty Boy, Beardguy, Magician arrived to the village of Hill Area in the Ozarks to celebrate Kind Boy's birthday. They brought their friends like Head Rancher, Mean Butler, Dark Magician, Swordguy II, his wife Cowgirl, and their children, Swordguy III and Swordwoman I and II. They all gather and ate birthday cake. Magician brought fireworks for Prankster and Trickster to fire in the air.
At one point, Kind Boy waved his hands in the air to grab their attention. "Now we don't have to worry about copper rings and stuff, I been wanting to tell you guys about my uncle's great journey from the 1980s. I have a book he wrote down on of his epic quest but he rather tell you guys in person." Old Guy came and sat down on a chair in front of the crowd, "You sure, it's your birthday and..." Kind Boy answered, "No, by all means, I want people to hear your tale." His uncle replied, "Well alright then."
He told them long ago in the land known as Mount Magazine, there is an unknown village in the caves of the mountains. They were full of men who never shave in their life and they have Arkansas' largest bank vault. They were the proud to be the wealthiest people in all the state. Then one day, a monstrous reptile appeared. All the beardmen were scared and ran away from the mountain and got separated from their vault. They asked some Star Trek cosplayers to help them out but they say they don't want to risk their lives. All the citizens of Mount Magazine lived in exile in Blue Mountain, Arkansas. One year has passed since then and things quiet down since then.
In the land of Hill Area, back when Old Guy went by a different name, Young Guy. Our villager is resting peacefully on his lawn chair at his front yard, with a cherry-flavored sucker in his mouth. He opened his eyes when he notice someone standing near him and asked, "Do you want to go on an adventure?" Young Guy asked, "Who are you?" The man replied, "Surely you haven't forgotten me?" Suddenly his voice became loud and sinister, "I am Magician and Magician means me." Suddenly, lightning flashed in the sky even tho it was a nice sunny morning. Young Guy said, "Oh yeah, I remember. Your the traveling magician who visits our town and puts on a show and fire fireworks." He paused and just remembered something else the traveler said, "Wait, go on an adventure? No thank you, I'm comfortable right here."
He went back inside his house. Magician went to his front door and pulled out a spray can and made a symbol on it.
Late at night, Young Guy got a visitor with a beard who wanted to stay at his house and eat some food. He didn't want to be rude to his guest, so he fed him. Suddenly, another show up, and another, and before you know, he had thirteen men at his house having a feast and making a mess.
Magician came in and told him about the upcoming adventure they are going to make to Mount Magazine to reclaim their lost home. They hoping Young Guy will join them to be their burglar to steal back their most prized possession back from the evil scaly beast, a glowing tennis ball. It is a symbol of their lost town.
The beardmen had doubts of Young Guy being burglar material and started arguing but Magician did some sort of magic trick that caused the lights go dim and somehow made his voice boom loudly, "If I say he's a burglar, then a burglar he is." The beardmen stop arguing.
Young Guy was given a contract if he wants to assist them. He get 1/14th of the share of the money but it lists possible cause of death from the evil reptile. Head chopped off by it's sharp teeth, personification from staring at it's eyes, poison from it's fangs, burnt to a crisp by it's breath, etc.
Suddenly, the thirteen beardmen told the man that they are going to sing a song about their journey through the misty mountains. Young Guy was ready to listen to their folk song but to his surprise, they actually were singing in rap. He watch as they threw gang signs and lose count on the number of curse words he heard. He heard some things about taking their turf back from the dragon, to taking on the beard haters, and scoring with all the babes with facial hair.
The morning after, Magician and the 13 beardmen head off with Young Guy. It didn't seem he wanted to go at first but he was having the crave of adventure and excitement and so, he joined them in their quest. They became The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home.(TGQFHAATGTMMTKAMRARTH)
Meanwhile, during present day, Beardguy stand up from his chair and said, "Oh yeah, isn't my dad part of those thirteen and..." Old Guy pointed to him , "Yes, yes, he is but I need to continue onwards the story." Beardguy sat back down to listen.
The 21 words group made camp from not far from the city of Flippin, Arkansas. Young Guy asked the gang what kind of dangers should he await. One of the eldest of the group called Whitebeard told him one of their most dangerous enemies is Neo-Red Coats. A group of people who still thinks the British should of won the Revolutionary War and do anything to return the US back to England.
Whitebeard told their new recruit a story of how their leader wage a battle against them. The leader witness a few of his family members getting beheaded by Albino Neo-Red Coat. Angry on the loss of those dear to him, he picked up a sheet of cardbored and battle the pale skin man. He manage to cut off his arm and the enemy retreat. That is the tale of Beardin Cardboardshield.
After an hour after they passed the city of Harrison, it started to rain on them and none of them carried an umbrella. One of them complained his beard is soaked. One mention they should of took the long way to Harrison and met some singers. At least the news reports said it's not raining there. One of the them asked Magician to do magic to undo the rain. Magician told them he's only a stage magician and his stuff is mainly smoke and mirrors.
They turned at the Northwest Arkansas Metro area and head south. Magician suggested they take a rest at Fort Smith because he knows some people there that will help them but Beardin said no, he has a grudge against those people. The magic user sighed and said, "Forget this." He just left the long name group and left for parts unknown.
Midway between Northwest Metro area and Fort Smith, they rested at a campfire and roast marshmallows. One of the youngest beardman and...well he doesn't even have a beard, it's more of a 5 o'clock shadow and he's was far too attractive that he looks far different from the others. Anyways, he's called Beardboy. He and his brother were telling the others that the number of horses has decrease. Most of them didn't believe them.
Young Guy slips out of camp and investigate the case of disappearing horses. He caught a trail on the ground and follow it. It lead him to a different camp and at it's place is a trio of Internet Trolls. He saw one of them sitting with his laptop that connected to a telephone wire. They sit there waiting and hearing the sound of dial-up. One of them said, "I got tired of waiting for the thing to connect to start trolling people, so I decided to troll a nearby camp and capture some of their horses. Im in thur camp, stealing thur horsies." The other two laugh at his recent prank.
The man from Hill Area looked around and saw a few horses tied to a tree with a chain. He study the chain and saw there is a lock tied to it. He saw one of the internet trolls has a purse tied to it's belt. That's must be where the keys are kept.
He sneak in from behind the troll and reach in to grab it, soon as it's fingers touch it, he suddenly heard, "Ere, 'oo are you?" Young Guy jumped back and screamed, "OH MY GOODNESS! A TALKING PURSE!" The trolls turned to their visitor, "Look at this newb, he thinking he can steal from us." Another one said, "LOL man, this newb doesn't know your purse has a electronic toy that act like a sensor to sense foreign fingerprints, like total pwnage dude." The 3rd troll said, "You know, instead of waiting to flame people online, we should totally flame this dude. LOL, like literally man but we need to hurry up before the sun comes up or we be flamed."
They try to drag him to the camp fire, they stopped midway when they heard, "Hold it!" Out of the bushes came out the 13 beardmen. They armed their plastic swords and axes at them. One of trolls told them to not come near or they will roast their friend. The beardmen groan and threw their weapons to the ground. The trolls grabbed a chain and started wrapping them to a tree. After chaining them and Young Guy up, one of the trolls said they need to get to their tent.
Before they can go their tent, they see a man with a top hat and black robes standing next to the tent, it was Magician. He grabs the entire tent and shoves it in his balled up hand, he open his hand and pops out is a small bundle of flowers. The three cyber-bullies were now freaking out and ran in circles. The sun rises and it's light touches the three men. The three men burst into flames.
Magician walks towards the imprisoned men and wiggled the chains in a few motions, suddenly the chains became loose and sink into the ground. One of the men asked why the trolls burst into flame and the magic user told them it's because they a condition that they can't come in contact with the sun.
The magic user return the tent of how it was. The fourteen search inside and found toy weapons for their quest. Young Guy gets a glow-in-the-dark butter knife. With their horses returned, they went back on the road.
The next morning, they see a man on a sleight being pulled by rabbits. He was in an outfit similar like Magicain's but it's covered in dirt and mud. This is Earth Magician. He and Magician are old friends and sometimes joined together to perform shows.
Meanwhile in present day, Old Guy notice Kind Boy was going though pages of the book of the story that Old Guy is currently telling. He mumble to himself, "I don't remember Earth Magician in the book. Where is he?" He gave up searching and resume listening to Old Guy's tale.
Earth Magician was telling his friend that alot animals been dying lately. He believed an Evil Warlock is gathering evil forces to start an army and conquer Arkansas. Suddenly, they see a small group of Neo-Red Coats and Evil Wolf Furries were chasing them down. Earth Magician said he distract them. Magician told them he knows a safe place to get away from the enemy. He lead them to a nearby cave.
The group go through the cave tunnels and see light at the end. When they got to the other side, what they see is that they were at a Star Trek convention full of Vulcan cosplayers. This must of be the safe haven in Fort Smith they been hearing about. Most of the Beardmen rolled their eyes. They have a grudge against Trekkie cosplayers for two reasons. One is because they walked away when they needed them the most when they were forced out of their mountain. The other, the Beardmen are hardcore Star Wars fans instead of Star Trek.
They sit down with the cosplayers and had a feast. They weren't happy on the choice of food since the cosplayers are vegetarians. Later on that day, the Trekkies were watching a man perform the theme of Search of Spock on a flute. The Beardman with the silly hat didn't like this and got up on stage after the flute player was done. The hatman perform a rap song that cause the audience to look at each other and wondered what they heck they just watching.
Late at night, Beardin and Magician were discussing about the map they have they leads to a secret entrance to the caves of Mount Magazine. Unfortunately, it doesn't say anything. Behind them, a man comes to them and said, "I can help with that." They turn and see an actual elf in brown robes. This is the Evil Elf King's Twin Brother. Thankfully for them, he is nothing like his brother and actually good.
Beardin handed him the map. The elf tells them that there is a hidden clue on the map. Magician without thinking blurts out, "How about we throw in the oven?" The other two give him a look, wondering if he knew that would destroy the piece of fabric.
The elf laid the map on a table. He grabbed a q-tip and rubbed it on some cut up lemons. He then used the lemon-dipped q-tip on the map. He pulls out a hairdryer out of his pocket and use it to dried up the spots where he used the lemon juice. Just then, a previously unseen message appeared. It said that the keyhole will only appear on the last light of Fall.
Next morning, the Beardmen didn't want to stay with the Trekkies any longer, they brought Young Guy and sneak out. They headed east while staying near the Ozarks. They witness two tall guys fighting over something. They ignore them and continue on. By the end of the day, they took camp inside of a cave in the Ozarks.
During around midnight, a group of Evil Cave Dwellers threw nets on the group and drag them deeper in the caves. The group struggle from their recent imprisonment. Young Guy used his glow-in-the-dark butter knife and slip out from the constraints. However his body rolled forward and fell down a deep crevasse. The remainder of the group was brought to the Cave Dweller King.
Young Guy woke up in a dark cave. He notice a cheap ugly ring made out of copper laying near him with the smell of detergent. He grab it and put it in his pocket. As he was leaving, he encounter a weird impish looking man. He said he won't allow him to leave unless they play games.
For the next few minutes, they played Battleship, Connect Four, Hungry Hungry Hippos, and Twister. The impish man loses every single one of them. As part of the deal, he told Young Guy where the exit is.
As the weird mutant went back his spot, he notice his ring is gone. He screamed, "NOOO! HE STOLE IT! I WON'T LOOK GOOD WITHOUT MY BLING-BLING!"
Meanwhile, the Cave Dwellers search the Beardmen's weapons. They looked at one plastic sword and freaked out. The Cave Dweller King said it is the Cave Dweller Cleaver. Legend said this toy has slay hundreds of their people in the past.
Out of nowhere, smoked appeared in front of everyone. As it died down, there stands Magician. He asked the Cave Dwellers if they want to see a magic show. All the evil ones raised their hands up in the air and shouted yes. The man in black robes did several tricks before their eyes like disappear coins, card tricks, and ribbons turned into flowers. He pulled out a box and asked Cave Dweller King if he wants to volunteer. He gleefully agrees. He laid down in a box as magic user closes it. He pulls out a saw and cuts the box in three pieces and separated it. Just then, blood oozed from the end pieces.
One of the Dwellers said, "Wait a minute, that not a magic trick. He really did cut our king into three pieces." Magician gave an awkward smile and said, "Time to go." He threw a smoke bomb into the ground and vanish.
The very next minute, the group are released and running and fighting the Cave Dwellers on the way. They sliced open their guts and beheaded many of them. After killing many of them, they found the exit of the caves. Ironically, Young Guy was there as well.
During present time, Kind Boy mumbled to himself he doesn't remember the story being gory. Back to the story.
As they were leaving the cave, they were now attacked by an army of Neo-Red Coats and men in wolf outfits. The group climb nearby trees to get away from them. Magician threw out some flaming pine cones at their opponents and killed a few Furries. Beardin Cardboardshield saw the man who was leading the group. It was the Albino that killed members of his family. He was believed to be dead after their last fight but it seems he is very alive, now sporting a robotic arm to replace his cut off limb.
Just then, a gang of War World II fighter planes came down and fired several Nerf bullets at the evil ones. They scattered to avoid the attack. They briefly landed down near the long title gang and the gang hopped in them. The planes then took off and flew south.
They landed near an hidden airfield not far from the city of Jasper. As they got off, Young Guy asked, "Why not take us all the way to Mount Magazine?" Pretty soon, he heard a dozen excuses from airmen like they don't have the gas, one of them is sick, they are not a taxi service, there is a force field around the mountain till someone gets rid of the lizard beast. The traveler rolled his eyes.
Seems going through caves took them way up north in the Ozarks. They have to go south again to hopefully get to the mountain by the end of Fall.
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