You Will Cry... With Godzilla

I'm going to make you watch Godzilla's Revenge....You will cry...That you wasted your time on the entire thing as you see a kid fantasized he's on Monster Island.

*Sighs* Our two main characters and they gave Jr. a dumb Goofy voice.

Note-The first Godzilla film made for kids. You could make the excuse that it's for children and not meant for older viewers but I don't buy it. Thing is that I seen this movie when I was somewhere between 6 to 8 and I hated this movie. When your a kid, there's alot crap you will like and than years later, you look back and see some of the stuff you watch wasn't as great as you thought. This movie however, I saw as a horrible, horrible movie as a young kid. That alone tells you how bad this movie is.

As a young Godzilla fan, I wanted to see Godzilla fight monsters, evil aliens, join up with his buddies, attack cities that were in his way, not see some dumb kid's made up fantasy. You never saw the real Godzilla at all in this movie and it was nothing but a waste of time. Heck, most of the scenes on Monster Island is made of stock footage from earlier films which give you more reasons to hit the fast forward button. They shouldn't dumb it down to kids.

Here's the trailer to the movie

Don't get excited because most of the scenes is recycled stock footage.

I'm going to make you watch the Godzilla movies from the late 60s to early 70s. You cry...When you see a talking Godzilla.

See Godzilla flying.

See Godzilla sliding on his tail.

Note-Most of the sillier Godzilla films can found in the late 60s and early 70s. Some people who may of only seen the early Godzilla films or any of his films from the 90s or 2000s will be in disbelief after seeing any of these scenes.

I'm going to make you watch War of the Gargantuas. You will cry...When you hear the words are stuck in her throat.

My ears hurt!!! That Green Gargantuan needs to hurry up and eat her.

Thank You

Note- War of the Gargantuas is a Toho movie that may or may not be loosely connected to Godzilla. The villain from this film's prequel did show up as one of the members of Godzilla's monster island.

There was one scene where a woman sang on a boat. It didn't sound great IMO.

I recently found out the show called Scooby Doo Mystery Inc. from the late 2000s did an episode as a homage to this movie and actually used the same song. Also fun fact, this movie inspired Brad Pitt to be an actor. I kid you not.

Here's the song if you want to see

You will cry...When you see...The ending. Man it's Toy Story 3 all over again.

Note-I'm not lying. If your really into Godzilla. The entire ending itself is sad to watch.

If that didn't give you the feels, then I'm going to make you watch any of these moments. You will cry when you see....

Shindo's reunion with Godzilla after 50 years after he "saved" him.

How the original Rodan ended.

When baby Mothra meeting it's mom.

Godzilla getting a power boost.

Dr. Serizawa giving Godzilla a power boost.

Or the original Dr. Serizawa with everthing he's going through.

You will cry...when you see Godzilla dies from missiles. Seriously missiles, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Who dies from missiles?



Note- The American 1998 remake is hated by the fans. Everything that made Godzilla as he is was not seen in the monster. Missiles would normally bounce off of Godzilla.

It was so bad that Japan quickly made their owned Godzilla movie in less than a year to show America how it's done. Japan made several jokes towards America for the next few years.
"Monsters resembling have been seen in the United States..."
"That wasn't Godzilla?"
"The Americans said it was Godzilla, but all the Japanese scientists denied it."
The movie Final Wars had the American one renamed as Zilla and fought Godzilla. This match only lasted 10 seconds long.
I kid you not, this battle between the two was short

The cartoon sequel was far more better received. It starred the offspring of Zilla and unlike his dad, Junior fights other monsters, shoot atomic breath, and is indestructible.
Here's the trailer if you want to see

I'm going to make you watch Godzilland... You will cry that...

That the G-Man can't count

That Godzilla and Anguirus are fighting over a girl. So much for pals before gals.

That they ruined MechaGodzilla by putting him in a business suit. Great, 1st Bowser, then M.Bison, than the Mandarins, than Eric Sacks as Shredder, now this guy. *shakes fist*

A rapping King Ghidorha

And this pic says it's all.

Note- Godzilland is an obscured OVA or Direct to Video educational series that teaches math and other things. This series may come a shock to people how kiddish it is.

Here's one of the openings of the series if you want to see.

1. You will cry...That you barely see Godzilla.

2. I'm going to make you watch Godzilla fighting the MUTO in Hawaii...You will cry...That you only saw the aftermath.

3. You cry...That it has nothing to do with the Matthew Broderick film.

Man, no one came to see a Godzilla movie to see Godzilla or Bryan Cranston, they came to see Bueller, if he's not here, then what's to point of watching?

4. I'm going to make you watch Godzilla after you watch Avengers: Age of Ultron... You will cry when see Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch kissing.

Eww...Your suppose to be siblings.

Note#1- I see people complain about Godzilla not having enough screen time, especially the casual viewers. People may complain about the Transformers movies focusing on the humans as the actual main characters while the title characters are background characters but the thing is, this is something that's pretty common in alot of Godzilla movies.

Look at look alot the classic films. Humans chitchat, they investigate strange footprints, mysterious caverns, strange islands, meet friendly aliens(who will duped the humans). After the movie is a 3rd or halfway over, Godzilla or another monster will pop up and this is pretty common in alot of the movie. Sometimes you see the villain monster for a while before Godzilla shows up. The Big G himself is more an animal or a force of nature, not a character that the movie would show from start to finish. I would like to see Godzilla more but I'm not going to complain like this the only movie of the entire series that does this.

However people mention most of the Toho movies are an hour and half compared to two full hours. That's 30 extra minutes of still not seeing Godzilla. 

Note#2- Now this is my biggest complaint that this movie is guilty of that the other films don't do. The enemy monster, known as MUTO, shows up in Hawaii. Just then, a large foot stomps on the ground nearby the evil monster. The camera slowly pans up to reveals it's Godzilla. He lets out a roar and....We see the inside of a living room of a kid watching the news report of the battle in Hawaii. The film returns to Hawaii and we saw the aftermath of the fight. Like WTF...I wanted to see that battle.

Note#3- *Sigh* There are people out there who thought this was a sequel to the Matthew Broderick film or they were complaining that Hollywood is rebooting that movie. Does anyone know there's been several Godzilla films from 1999 to 2004? If they want to see a sequel to the 1998 film, go watch the far better cartoon spinoff or watch Final Wars just to see American Godzilla get killed in 10 seconds.

Note#4- I notice that the same actors in the 2nd Avengers film is the same actors who play the married couple in Godzilla. It's kinda funny to think about.

Here's the trailer

1. I'm going to make you watch Shin Godzilla, you cry that Godzilla now some sort of ugly zombie skeleton mutant thing with a face on it's tail.

*spoilers ahead skip to the next section if you don't want to be spoiled*

2. That Godzilla shoots lasers out of it's tail and fins.

WTF. This is the weirdest thing since I seen him slide on his tail in Godzilla vs. Megalon.

3. That Godzilla got defeated by having a kid's butt shoved into his mouth.

You ruined Godzilla. How dare you!!!

Note#1- This is a stand-alone Godzilla movie that re-imagines him in a different way. He does look ugly because he was a rapidly mutating monster that somehow ended up the way he is. He's meant to look like a mutation gone wrong.

*Spoilers ahead, skip to the next movie*

Note#2- He does display new abilities in this movie. I sure if you tell somebody who didn't see this and told them that Godzilla shoots atomic breath out of his tail and fins. They be saying, "WTF!? Are you messing with me?"

Note#3- There was a weird tie-in to the new movie where Shin Godzilla appears in some anime called Crayon Shin-Chan.

Godzilla in the show looks totally awesome in cartoon form. He's wreaking havoc across the city and suddenly... then you see these cartoonish human characters.

The episode ends with the human kids making Godzilla breath in a chemical(That looks similar to the Oxygen Destroyer) and Shin-chan jumps in and, I kid you not, shoves his butt into Godzilla's mouth. This causes Godzilla to morph into a little tiny lizard.

There are some people who did not like this crossover. I admit, it is weird and silly. Well this isn't the 1st time Godzilla had a weird crossover. He had cross paths with basketball player, Charles Barkley.

Yes, this actually happens. There was even a live-action commercial of them as well.

*spoilers ahead on the entire trilogy. Skip to the next section if you don't want to be spoiled.*

I'm going to make you watch the Godzilla Anime Trilogy on Netflix.... You Will Cry!!!...

1. That's it's animated.

2. You only saw Dagahra/Orga/Dogora/Kamacuras for one second.

3. That Anguirus and Rodan appear as one second cameos as their corpses

4. Godzilla is a plant.

5. That you don't see the Godzilla in the entire 1st movie till the very last minute. If Godzilla isn't in the entire thing, than what's the point of watching?

6.That you see MechaGodzilla as a city rather than a giant robot in the 2nd movie. Oh and you don't see Mothra at all.

7.That the epic battle between Godzilla and King Ghidorah wasn't really a fight.

Note#1- Long before anyone actually seen it, people attack the upcoming films, simply because it's not live-action. I remember back in the day, that people hated the 2007 Ninja Turtles movie just for simply because it's not live-action(and the fact it's not what they grew up with). It be like praising Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad but hating on the Dark Knight Returns and Assault on Arkham because they're animated.

Note#2- At the beginning of the movie, they were discussing all the kaiju attacks at the turn of the millennium, it showed several monsters in the background.They have appeared in other Godzilla movies, or Mothra's spinoff series in the 90s. Dogora on the other hand was a monster from a stand-alone movie that's made by Toho. I'm sure there's someone out there complaining they didn't have more screentime.

Note#3- I remember at the time, I heard they were in the upcoming films. When I saw it, they weren't in seen anywhere. I heard they and dozen other monsters were in a tie-in novel called Monster Apocalypse, greatly detailing the history of the world before the events of the three movies.

Eagle-eyed viewers did found Angurius and Rodan's skeleton remains when it showed the Great Wall of China at the beginning of the 1st movie. Geez, it's bad enough to see Godzilla die in 1995, now I have to see their skeletons. That's mess up.

Note#4- There was a some backlash on the re-imagining of Godzilla. The Big-G was a more of a giant plant that resembles a giant lizard.

Note#5- There group of people throughout the 1st movie are hunting Godzilla. They found him and use a strategy to kill him, it worked. Then they realized that wasn't Godzilla they kill but an offspring of him. Suddenly, the real Godzilla appears and far more larger and far more deadly and he's mad that his offspring is killed.

Note#6- MechaGodzilla was hinted at the beginning of the 1st movie but wasn't made operational. The 2nd movie which is 20,000 years into the future showed what happen to to Mecha-G. The Nanometal from it's body formed a big city.

Sadly, this is all that you see of MechaGodzilla.

There is concept art of MechaG as a bi-petal giant robot but it wasn't meant to be.

Mothra is sort of in the 2nd and 3rd movie but she's inside an egg and still not born. She can communicate to a pair of twins despite not being born yet.

Well look on the bright side, you see MechaG in full glory in Ready Player One with him fighting Gundam and the Iron Giant.

Note#7-

King Ghidorah in this trilogy is a god-like being who exist in a different dimension. The rules of our dimension don't effect him and he bite into Godzilla and they float in the air. One of the humans destroyed a certain bead which made Ghidorah be affected by the rules of our dimension, soon Godzilla fired his atomic breath and shortly after, the golden dragon is dead.

Here's the trailer if you want to see

1. You will cry...On Mothra's new design.

*Spoilers ahead, you been warned*
2. That Rodan is a traitor.

3. Godzilla using one of Ghidorha's heads as a cigar.




Note#1- While most of the designs were loved, Mothra was the only one people complain and nickname here MINO.(Mothra in name only)


Note#2- Rodan is usually on Godzilla's side in most movies. Him working with King Ghidorha was surprising.


Note#3- At the end, when Ghidorha was destroyed, only one of his three heads remained. Godzilla grabbed in it's mouth and fling it around and then destroyed it with his atomic breath. Alot people joked that he is using Ghidorha's head as a cigar.

Future updates on the You Will Cry section.

I'm planing on adding new entries to the You Will Cry section. Most of the entries are based on year release but let's say you wanted to see all the Godzilla related stuff or some other franchise. You don't have to click 20 different links on just to see your favorite franchise getting mention in this section. Some of it is copied and pasted from the other You Will Crys while some new stuff is going to be added.

The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home: Behind the scenes and other facts

Click here to read the story

The story is meant to be a parody of the Hobbit trilogy with a few references to the book and animated movie from the 1970s.


At the time I originally wrote the Copper Ring Saga, 1st drafts back a decade ago and years later when I posted on this blog, as well as finally getting off my butt and posting parts 2+3 of the Copper Ring saga. I really didn't intend to make a story based on the Hobbit. After I posted part 3, I wonder if I should do a parody of the Hobbit.

I basically wrote back in the Copper Ring saga that were meant to be references to the Hobbit(the book before the Peter Jackson's versions existed). Those referances ended up in the Hobbit parody. Things like Old/Young Guy kicked a lizard off of Mount Magazine. I figure I work with that, "Smaug" was a harmless lizard and the beardmen have Lizardphobia. I hope most people forgot that reference I made back from the Copper Ring saga and follow the hype of the monstrous reptile and other reptilian things, only to see a tiny harmless lizard.

Yeah, this be the 1st story I wrote that Chris isn't the main character. The Copper Ring saga points out that Old Guy had an adventure way way back in the past where it's impossible for Chris to be in it. I figure make the story be told from Old Guy at a party.

I didn't want to make characters from the Copper Ring too old like Pretty Boy and Magician. I figure they be teens when I'm writing this parody but I didn't want to make Old/Young Guy too young. So I decided to make the story take place around mid-1980s-ish.

I don't really intend to make the character have big hair or have shoulder pads. I just needed a placement for the story in the timeline. You can use your imagination if you want on who has these trends and styles, or you could imagine them how you saw them in the movies. It's up to you.

The beardmen retreating to Blue Mountain is both an intended reference to both the book/movie and an Arkansas location. In the book/movie(s), they did retreat to Blue Mountains. As I was writing the parody, I was playing with Google maps and found out there is an actually place called Blue Mountain that is right next to Mount Magazine.

"I am Magician and Magician means me." Suddenly, Lightning flashed in the sky even tho it was a nice sunny morning.

That was based on the animated movie from 1977. Gandalf's introduction was over the top with cheesy lightning the background.

I had to find a music genre to make fun of while parodying the Misty Mountains song. I can't do country because it's actually normal in certain areas in Arkansas, especially in the Ozarks. Since it's in the 80s, I can't make fun of dubstep or autotune. MJ was the king of pop at the time and most people say the best music came from the 80s. I thought about using heavy metal with loud screaming but I ended up using rap and using all the it's cliches.

Yes, Flippin and Booger Hallow are actual locations here in Arkansas. I pick them on purpose for the sake of putting silly names that actually exist.

One mention they should of took the long way to Harrison and met some singers. That was a reference to Tom Bombadil. In the movie, they went straight to Bree but in the novel, they took a mighty long long time to reach Bree and met a weird singing man. Harrison was a stand-in for Bree.

I don't think the internet slang the internet trolls were speaking existed in the 80s. It may not be historically accurate but I needed them to speak Lolspeak for the sake of comedy. However you could say that sites they were on got deleted and forgotten in the pages of internet history. Only to be re-invented later on.

In the novel, the troll's purse did speak, "Ere, 'oo are you?" The novel was originally conceived as a children's novel and despite some references, it was separate from J.R.R Tolkien's other works of Middle-Earth, only to be retcon into the same universe when he started writing the LOTR books. The bizarre talking purse is very out there in the world of Middle-Earth.

The Vulcan cosplayer who was playing on a flute was originally singing the theme of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I then realize it puts the story to the later 1980s, plus people's opinions of that show were different at the time. People react and say that Star Trek is RUINED FOREVER and it doesn't have Kirk, Spock, and Bones. The show's 1st two seasons weren't as good but it did got better later on and become a well beloved show that lasted 7 seasons, 4 TNG-era movies, and several spinoffs that had Star Trek on television for nearly two decades. It's funny how to see how people react back in the day.

Yeah, I admit the rubbing lemon juice on the map to read hidden clues was taken from National Treasure.

The multiple excuses why the WWII fighter planes aren't helping the gang more is based on the eagles. People wondered why the eagles help the dwarfs or the fellowship and take them straight to their destination. Multiple stuff was said why they can't help them more often. This was said back when J.R.R was still alive and he said they are not a taxi service.


Kind Boy wondering and asking about stuff that wasn't in Old Guy's original book is based on the Hobbit Trilogy. Lord of the Rings was three books and the Hobbit is one book. One book that got stretch to three movies with alot stuff added that wasn't present in the original. Stuff like Radagast the Brown, Legolas, Tauriel, Necromancer(Sauron), A good chunk of Lake town.

Some stuff wasn't completely made up. J.R.R did write alot stuff for Middle-Earth. Radagast exists is one thing. You could argue Legolas was in the Hobbit as one of the nameless Elves because that is his home and the king is his dad. In the Hobbit novel, Gandalf randomly just decided to leave Bilbo for no reason. J.R.R wanted them separate just to make Bilbo grow as a hero. It was explain in other works he and other wizards are dealing with the Necromancer.

I said Pretty Boy came from Ozark National Forest from the Copper Ring saga. So that ended up as the dark forest where the spiders and wood elves are.

The idea of Thranduil aka Legolas' father as a ugly man came from the 1977 animated movie. I kid you not, he was an ugly blue-skin man that skinny to the bones with a thick German accent.

Originally, they went down the Mulberry river instead of Big Piney Creek. I was looking for a river that goes somewhere from the center of the Ozark National Forest to the Arkansas River. I changed it because it's closer to both Jasper and Paris.

I admit, I cannot take a name like Bard seriously. I sort of based on Poet on both Bard and Edward the (spoony)bard from Final Fantasy 4.

When the 3rd Hobbit movie came out after a year of waiting, the main villain dies after ten minutes the movie starts. I joked if people walked out since the main opponent is dead. The movie still had alot story to tell with the Battle of the Five Armies.

The giant worms were in the 3rd Hobbit movie. They show up to attack and disappeared. I at least told they got killed real quick, wrapping that up instead of forgetting about it. The whole thing about they being weak to water and their poop being magical is based on novel turned early 80s movie, Dune. Patrick Stewart was one of the characters before he became famous as Picard in Star Trek.

Rich Lord and Ugly Butler being are purposely treated terribly because they were based on the Jar-Jars of the Hobbit trilogy. Alfrid was killed off in a silly matter in the extended edition.

Earth Wizard is based on Sylvester McCoy's Radagast as well as the actor's famous other role, the 7th Doctor. I included scenes that was based on the 7th Doctor.

Everyone who seen the Hobbit asked who are the five armies. If you read the book, it's tells you that it's Men from Lake Town, Wood Elves, Dwarves, Orcs, and Wargs. However in the movies, the talking evil wolves were simply the orcs non-talking CGI steeds. From what I read, Azog's son was leading a seperate group of orcs, which makes up the 5th army. Viewers point out all the others who joined the fight.

If you read all my other stories, all the damage that happens is repaired overnight like nothing happen. The stories are meant to take place in the real world with the muggles of our world are unaware what happen. However it is a plotpoint within the 3rd Hobbit movie that people want their towns restored, I figure I make the citizens of the burn down houses go out before the mysterious repairs happen.

In the book, there was alot of words in there that had a completely different meaning back in the day. You be hearing about queer people, or Frodo throwing faggots into the fire. Back when the movies were out, everyone made fun of Frodo and Sam's overly affection of friendship. Then you read the books and you see all this dialogue.

The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home: Chapter 3

View Chapter 2

After telling the part where he kicked off the lizard off the mountain, Old Guy announce it was break time. After ten minutes, he was ready to resume the story.


Everyone in Paris is freaking out on the sight of a harmless little lizard. They try to kill it with fire but in doing so, they accidentally burn down some houses. Rich Lord tried to leave town by grabbing all his money and hopped on a motor boat. Unluckily for him, the weight of the all that money cause his boat to sink to the bottom of the Arkansas River, killing him.

The city decided that Poet should be release from prison and slay the evil demon that's attacking their town. His three children try to get him out of his cell but when they found him, they see him curdled up in a corner. "Leave me be. I'm nothing but a coward, I'm just going to sulk here." His eldest daughter grabs him by the collar and slaps him in the face. She told him, "You spoony bard, your a man aren't you, a grown man. So stand up."

He got up to his feet and told his family that the beast may be hard to kill. They need their strongest weapon they have. He led them back to his home. "I have something that will vanquish the demon. I do it with my strongest dart I have, the black dart." He grabs a tiny object that was hidden in the ceiling and loaded it to a toy crossbow. His son said, "Dad, I think just a dart that's spray painted black. I don't think it's special."

Poet went out with his loaded weapon. In the middle of the street, he spotted the lizard crawling around. The poet took a deep breath, aimed his weapon and fired. The suction cup hit the reptile on the nose and it suddenly died.


Meanwhile in present day. Everyone was getting up from their seats. Old Guy was asking where they are going. Gardener told him that the main villain is dead, the story is over, time to leave. Old Guy said, "You got to be kidding me, we just got back from our break. There's still plenty of story left to be told." Eventually, he got everyone back into the room and he continue where he left off.


Beardboy has recovered from his injury from the barrel riding adventure. He and the other beardmen that were left behind now planned to meet up with the others at Mount Magazine. Before he went, he stared deeply into Bowgirl's eyes. He said to her, "Oh beautiful maiden, I see you still carry the runestone I gave to you my apple pie." She called him blueberry muffin. He called her PB and Jelly. She called him strawberry cheesecake. While all the others who were listening rolled their eyes.


All the people who lost their homes wonder what to do. Poet grabbed their attention and pulled out his harp and sang a tale of his friends who traveled to Mount Magazine who has all the money to help rebuild their homes.


Meanwhile at an underground cavern near Booger Hallow. A guard is on patrol and checked on his prisoner, only to find an empty cage. He wondered what happened and search the cage, he found a calling card there. It reads, stage magician and escape artist. The guard threw the card down and thought to himself, No wonder. A guy like him can easily escape.


Magician was on his way out of the cave when out of nowhere, alarms were blaring. Soon he was surrounded by nine men dressed in Halloween costumes. They pulled out their cursed butter knifes to stabbed the man but stop in their tracks when they hear, "We save you." They turned their heads and see Dark Magician, The Evil Elf King's Twin Brother, and a blond Vulcan cosplayer.

Dark Magician pulled out his hat and out comes hundred birds that dive bomb their enemies. The good elf hovered five feet into the air and conjured up fireballs and threw them at costume freaks. Magician looked in awe and pulled out a notepad and pen and asked, "What's the trick to your technique? I need to use that for my next show." The elf gave him a look and said, "No tricks, it's actually magic." The escape artist said, "I don't believe you, we all know magic is nothing but smoke and mirrors."

Evil Dude said, "Enough! You will all perish!" The blond cosplayer told him, "No, your the one who will go away." She pulled out her most powerful weapon....A flashlight. She shined in right into his eyes. He screamed, "Ahh, I can't see!" He tumble around while covering his eyes and tripped. He fell down into a deep ravine. She look at the abyss and said, "I don't think he's gone forever, he will come back one day."


Beardboy and his small group arrived at the mountain and meet up with the others. They have finally reclaimed their home again. Whitebeard told the new arrivals that Beardin has change for the worse. He has developed Lizard Sickness. It's a rare disease that makes people very greedy and not care about the world around them.

After an hour of watching their leader go crazy, they got a knock on their front door. It was Poet and several citizens of Paris who recently lost their homes. They come to see if they can offer hospitality and give money to help rebuild their homes. Oh and he mentions some Star Trek cosplayers are here, they say that they believe their pearl necklace is stolen from them and they believe the long name gang took it when they were passing through their town.

Beardin who was extremely greedy doesn't want to part one penny from his vault. He rather waged war against the city of Paris then to be nice guy. Most of the men weren't looking forward to this but they have to defend themselves. Young Guy was given several ketchup packets to shove under his shirt, it will protect him from getting stabbed.

Most of the people from Paris and Trekkie cosplayers camped outside of the mountain, getting ready for the upcoming battle tomorrow morning. Young Guy was unhappy with everything that's going on. So at late at night when everyone is sleeping. He slips out of mountain with the glowing tennisball in his pocket.


Elsewhere, the two magic users were on a sled pulled by rabbits. It stopped at the bottom of Mount Magazine near a camp. Magician gets off the vehicle and waved his friend bye and he rode off. He meets with Poet and Ugly Guy inside a tent who are discussing war strategies. He told them forget trying to have a war with a small group of men with beards because a huge army of Neo Red-Coats and Evil Wolf Furries are coming to invade these lands. They must unite to fight a common foe.

Young Guy came in and met his old ally. He told him about Beardin's Lizard Sickness and he brought the glowing tennisball to use as a bargaining chip.

The next morning, Young Guy slip back with the Beardmen without them noticing. They see a group of people at their doorstep, ready to march. Ugly Guy held up the Glowing Tennisball and offer a trade for some money for relief of the city and return of his pearl necklace.

Young Guy told Beardin Cardboardshield that he gave them the ball. The leader was in shock and feels betrayed on his friend's actions.


Pretty Boy who was nearby heard to what his father said. He walked up to him and said, "Um dad, they didn't stole your necklace." He pulled out of his pocket some jewelry, "I was going to give this to Bowgirl during a date but she and I leave town to chase the beardmen and never had a chance to return it. Plus, it turns out she's head over heels of the one with the 5 o'clock shadow." The young man gave a frown when he finish his sentence.

His father told him,"It's a shame to git rejected or to see the one you like chose some other fella. There may be other gals out there but don't forget, I'm here for you muh boy." His son replied, "Thanks dad. I'm sorry about earlier." The mayor told him, "Aww, come here!" He gave him a big hug. Pretty Boy's face turned red and looked around to all the people around. He said, "Dad please, not in front of everybody."


Just then, they were sounds of mighty trumpets. Coming from the east is a huge of army full of men who never shaved in their lives. The leader is called Coppertoe and he will defend his bredrin from invaders. The Trekkies cosplayers fired their toy crossbows and block out the sun with their darts. The hairy warriors used their catapults to throw nets to stop the legion of darts.

They stopped fighting they suddenly felt an earthquake. The ground cracked open and soon 100 foot tall sandworms came out and roar. Coppertoe told his forces to load water balloons on the catapults. The attack cause the worms to suddenly die because water is poison to them.

One of the cosplayers was heading off on his own, one of his friends notice this and asked, "Why you heading to that worm's backside?" The guy replied, "I got to find it's poop. It will me psychic and have blue eyes." His friend shoot a look at him and said, "Come back here, what you been smoking talking about worm poop like that?" The guy replied, "Well it's from a recent movie that's from a book. I heard one of the actors from that is going to be the lead of that upcoming Star Trek show. I mean please. That ain't going to catch on. It be cancelled real quick."


Everyone in the area heard a completely different trumpet. They saw it was Albino leading armies of Neo-Red Coats and Evil Wolf Furries. The citizens of Paris, the Vulcan cosplayers, and the men with beards put aside their differences to fight their foes. This is The Fight of Five Gangs.


In the present time, Old Guy mention half the time, he was elsewhere, the other is that he was knocked out and didn't see much of the fight. He was told years later on got reports from everyone in the battle. So his new version be far more larger than what's presented than the book in Kind Boy's hand. Moving on the story.

Dozens and dozens of Red Coats held hands and somehow their flesh ripped apart and fuzed with each other, they then formed into a group of giant cyclops. They equipped themselves with catapults on their backs and threw giant dodgeballs at their foes, causing many of the troops to scatter.

Poet told Ugly Guy he needs to check on his family and left him in charge. Young Guy and Magician joined with him as they head off to Paris to defend the city and slay many of their opponents on the way. The musician checked on a locked in storeroom where he told his kids to hide. He told them back then to bring many women and children to fight. When he arrived, he saw them safe and sound. He notice a strange old women in the corner. He grabbed her shoulder and saw it was really Ugly Butler in disguise. He was so disgusted with this man that he told him to leave. He hightail it and went to the streets. Poet followed him to see where he is going. Soon right after, a Cyclops comes marching in and grabs the butler. He bit his head off and threw his body to the ground. Poet shrugs, "Who needs him?"

During present time, Mean Butler cheered that a "Lame excuse of a knockoff" was dead. Back to the story.


The beardmen wanted to help Coppertoe on the battlefield but Beardin rather wants to take his money deeper into the caverns. Beardboy rolled his eyes and left the room for a second, he came back with a bucket of water and splash it on his leader's face. Beardin gave a "I'm awake, I'm awake" expression and was finally cured of his Lizard Sickness. He told everyone to take charge and fight the enemy.

They met up with Coppertoe on the battlefield and see him somehow hurting his foes by headbutting them despite they wearing armored helmets. He pointed to the direction of where the Albino is. They got on a war chariot and head off. Several stayed behind as some of them got behind some of the cyclops and stabbed them in the eye and commanded their recently blinded steeds to attack the foes.

As they were attacking things left and right on their war chariot. They saw the forces of good got reinforcements. Earth Magician, the Bear Furry, and WWII fighter planes joined the battlefield.

The big man in the fursuit slashed at his foes and chomped down on Wolf Furries somehow despite his costume's fangs are just simply plastic.

Earth Magician played with a rope and a knot on it was created when it look like he didn't tie it. He threw it and choked one of the Red Coats to death with it. He grabbed his rope and put it away. As he turned around, he almost bumped into a Red Coat a few feet from him. He nervously pointed his Nerf gun at him. The magic user walked up to the gun and let it press against his chest. The enemy said, "I..I never used one this close before." Earth Magician in a sarcastic playful tone replied, "I should be scared. Your the one with the Nerf gun." The evil man said, "It..It will..kill you." The man in the hat now said, "That's what Nerf Guns are for, pull the trigger, end a life. Makes sense, life killing life." His voice turns dark and sinister, "Go ahead, look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life." The enemy freak out and didn't fire. Earth Magician stabs him with a paralyzing drug that was on the tip of his magic wand. He said to his unconscious enemy, "Predictable as ever, Neo Rrrrred Coat."

He opened his mouth wide and suddenly an egg came out. They threw it at some ground forces. He turned around and slowly walked away as the egg explodes behind him and not fazed from the nearby explosion.


The small group of Beardmen arrived at a mountain top where the Albino and his son were last spotted. Whitebeard told them he will stay behind on the war chariot and fired the automatic machine Nerf gun on anyone comes near.

A team of people compose of Beardin, Beardin's brother, Beardboy and his brother as climb to the mountain top. On the way, they spotted Young Guy is there to join them. When they arrived there, the Albino is missing but in his place was a gang of Cave Dweller Mercs. The forces of good clashed in an epic fight scene. Unfortunately Young Guy was knocked unconscious during the fight and didn't see it.

During the chaos of the fight, they notice that Beardboy's brother isn't there. They soon heard, "He's right here." They turn and saw the Albino holding him. He threw his mechanical hand through it's body and threw the lifeless body to the side. In a rage of fury, the beardmen charge to the killer.

Several pterodactyls came in attack the forces of good in the battlefield. With the additions of giant sandworms, Cave Dweller mercs, pterodactyls, magicians, WWII fighter planes, the Albino's son's separate squad of Neo-Red Coats, and a bear Furry. It should be renamed The Fight of Twelve Gangs but people already have a fondness toward the original name.

Pretty Boy hitch a ride on one of the pterodactyls and while hanging upside down, he sliced through fifty opponents in two seconds. One of the beardmen who was watching shouted, "That still counts as one." He fired a dart into the dinosaur's head and landed down on his feet near Beardin's location.

Bowgirl was looking for Beardboy and searching around. Suddenly the Albino's son came to attack her but Beardboy jumps and battles him. However the match ended with the evil one killing the young man. Just then, Pretty Boy pushes the bad guy out of the way and they both fell down on a cliff and landed on a old wooden bridge.

He realized he has no darts left, so he pulls out two butter knife while red coat pulled out a giant Q-tip. He tried to slice at him but the evil one smack one of the butter knifes out of his hand. The red coat got off the bridge from the end and then smashed the bridge into pieces. Pretty Boy jump on several pieces of the bridge as it's slowly falling. It looked like a scene from a platforming video game. As he got back on the same level as the red coat. He jumps up in the air and stabs him in the head with the butter knife, killing him.

Meanwhile, Beardin wield his sword while he clashed against the Albino's dodgeball attach to a rope. They clashed for a few minutes but soon as Beardin's was about to have the upperhand, the leader of the forces of evil stabs the good guy in the chest with his mechanical hand. With the last of his strength, Beardin stab the Albino into his heart, killing him.

Young Guy wakes up from being knocked out and spots the dying Beardin. He apologizes for everything about his Lizard Sickness and called Young Guy a true friend.

The battle was over and everyone had a funeral for Beardin, Beardboy, and his brother. Young Guy, Whitebeard, Bowgirl, and few others broke down in tears.

The citizens of Paris went back to their town and were surprise their houses were repaired like nothing happen. It turns out that some group of people came in and fixed everything. So trying to get money from Mount Magazine was pointless to begin with. Eventfully, everyone forgot the whole thing of their houses getting burn and the entire war. If they do remember it, they think it was a strange dream they had.

Young Guy told his friends goodbye as Magician pulled out two horses out of his hat and the rode off back to Hill Area. Young Guy said goodbye to Magician at the entrance of his area.

He enters his town, only to find out people assume he died and tried to sell his stuff. He sighs and mutters to himself, "My wrenched queer neighbors."

During in the present time. Swordguy II said, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with being queer."

Old Guy said, "But they are queer, I mean he and wife have a grudge on me and want to sell my stuff." Swordguy gave a puzzled look and mutters, "Wait, he and his wife?" Someone whisper into his ear that queer used to mean something else back in the day.

Old Guy told them he manage to get his stuff back.

THE END

Don't worry, there won't be five endings to this.

The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home: Chapter 2

View Chapter 1

Everyone gather back into the room from there break to continue on to listening to Old Guy's story. When they got to the part where the WWII fighter pilots dropped off the gang, the storyteller decided to let his listeners take a break for ten minutes. Now back to the story.

The 21-initial group found horses near the airfield and used them to ride south. After half a day pass, they found a cabin by itself. They wonder if they should rest there and eat whatever food is there. Out of nowhere as it leap out of the woods was a man in bear costume. It chased down the long word gang. They hightail it and got inside the cabin and locked the doors.

They waited a few minutes for the costumed man to calm down. Magician and Young Guy looked out of the windows and see the man in costume is now chopping down wood. Our two travelers step out of the cabin and kindly introduce themselves. The man said he thought they were Neo-Red Coats at first and tried to attack him.

They all get inside the house as the man serves his guests some bowls of porridge. He told them that Neo-Red Coats are in league with the Evil Wolf Furries. He told them that there were dozens of Bear Furries in the Ozarks long ago but the Evil Wolf Furries killed and imprison many of them, just to watch them get tortured to death. He tells them that he is now the last Bear Furry in the Ozarks.

As they are done with their meal, they leave the cabin and prepare to get on their horses, the Bear Furry approach Magician. He said, "I heard rumors near the Missouri border that a Halloween freak was spotted there, maybe it's a sign this Warlock is slowly gathering the forces of evil." He went back to his cabin as the gang rode off.

They traveled south and Ozark National Forest is getting a little too thick to travel. They were in a hurry and needed to travel straight down south. They got off their horses and let them go. Magician spotted a random payphone sitting in the forest. He told the others he need to make a phone call. He reach in behind Young Guy's ear and grab two quarters that were not that there before.

The magic user press some buttons on the phone. On the other end is the voice of Earth Magician who said, "You Rrrrrang?" Magician answered back, "Yes, I reasonably heard a rumor that a Halloween Freak from the Missouri border got recruited by this Warlock." The man in dirty robes answered back, "Well I trying to follow up on clues of the Evil Warlock. We could meet up and investigate. Imagine all the loot and EXP we get for doing this?" The Magic user told his friend bye and hung up the phone.

He went to Young Guy and wish him luck, he told him he is going on a sidequest. He hopes will meet up with him again at Mount Magazine.

He was about to head off and realized something. "Oh right, we got rid of our horses. Good thing I have a backup ready." He took off his hat, reach in it, and pulled out a white horse out of his hat." He hopped on it and ride away.

Meanwhile in present day, Kind Boy grabbed his uncle's shoulder and said, "Wait a minute, I don't remember anything about this Earth Magician and Evil Warlock sidequest business in the book?" Old Guy told him, "Well you see, when I wrote the first version of that book, I didn't know what Magician was doing at the time. He told me way later on after I wrote the first version. Besides, it seems weird that our friend just randomly decide to leave like that with no explanation." Kind Boy said back, "Well alright then." He sat back in his seat and continue listening on his uncle's story.


The gang traveled inside the dense forest. They walk and walk and entire voyage felt like weeks to them. They could swore they been traveling in circles. They cursed under their breath and said they should of brought compasses.

They came across a ditch. Young Guy pointed out that there is a natural bridge of sorts made out of tree vines. One by one, they used the vines to cross. The last beardman who was very round got tired and fell asleep and fall in the ditch. The beardmen sighed and went into the mud to carry the sleeping man up.

Young Guy told the rest he's going to climb a tree and see which way is south. When he got to the top, he was surrounded by mosquitoes. He hurried and pulled out binoculars and saw the Arkansas River in the distance, meaning south is that direction.

When he got back to ground level, he saw his friends were battling a hive of spiders. The man from Hill Area pulled out his glow in the dark butter knife and stabbed several of them. After the very long name group killed every single arachnid, the traveler looked at his butter knife and said, "I shall call you Poke, for poking all those spiders".

Just then, they heard loud footsteps coming. Beardin told the others to hurry and hide. Young Guy quickly put on his ring while the others scatter and flee.

A group of Vulcan cosplayers led by Pretty Boy and Bowgirl come marching out and they aimed toy crossbows at the beardmen. They captured every single one of them expect for Young Guy.

They dragged them into a hidden city deep within the forest. They were brought to the city's mayor who is also Pretty Boy's dad. He was 5'1. Skinny to the bones, very very pale looking, was missing a few teeth, has a unibrow, got a huge mole on the side of his face.


Meanwhile in present day, everyone turn to Pretty Boy. One of them said, "Wait, you were there?" Another said, "Wait, how you come from an ugly man?". Someone else said, "You must of got your looks from your mother and only her." One mention, "Wait, you weren't in the original story."

Pretty Boy told them, "Umm...I was adopted."

Now back to the 80s.


The mayor known as Ugly Guy said, "Well darn tootin, what are you fellas doing trespassing my area for?"  Beardin told back, "Why should I care? You left us to deal with the evil dragon that attack our mountain." The mayor said, "Oh yeah, that thang. Well my fellas are important to me and Ah don't want any of dem to, well you know, die. I reckon y'all are here to steal pearl necklaces from here as payback." With a flip of his hand, his fellow cosplayers grab the beardmen and they were sent into jail cells.


Within the next hour, the invisible Young Guy searched around to find the keys. As he getting ready to pass by the private theater room, he saw Ugly Guy coming out of the doors with 3D glasses on. He said as he was looking at the traveler, "Ah know your there." Young Guy was starting to freak out, wonder how he can see him. He turn his head behind him and saw Bowgirl standing there. He breathe a sigh of relief, seeing he was referring to her. The mayor said, "No really, Ah can see you, my 3D glasses can see anythang. So what are you doing here?" The traveler answered, "Umm..I was taking the quickest way to the Arkansas River and got loss on the way. Next thing I know is I'm here." The mayor took off his 3D glasses, spit a sunflower seed at his foot, and wrap his arm on the traveler's shoulders, "So your lost eh? Well welcome to our town. I finish watching 3D B-movie from the 50s. Anyways, Ah show you around the place. At least you ain't a trespasser like dem fellas Ah had an hour ago."

The next few minutes, he showed traveler several sites of town, including a port where they dump barrels of sparkling champagne down the Big Piney Creek for citizens of Knoxville. Seeing that gives Young Guy an idea.

At the end of the tour, they arrived at a door and the mayor knock on it. The door open and Pretty Boy came out. Ugly guy said, "This is muh boy here. One of the best archers in the land. I think he's into that redhead you saw earlier, eh." He jabbed his elbow into his son's stomach a few times as Pretty Boy's face turned red and said, "Dad please."

Ugly Guy left and came back with a big book. He spit a few sunflowers seeds near their shoes and opened it the book. Inside contains many photos. "Yep, this is me and fam. This one photo is little Pretty Boy in him diapers. Look at him, isn't he cute?" Pretty Boy rolled his eyes, and said quietly, "Dad please." He showed more photos, one had a group photo of a smiling kid, Ugly Guy, and a gorgeous blond woman. The young traveler began to wonder how in the world did somebody like her ended up with him. He like a negative 4 while she's way beyond the charts.

Ugly Guy showed emotion of happiness and sadness. "Sad thang muh wifey is gone. She's was babe all right. We dated in collage, got married, then nine months later, this boy popped out of her belly. He was biggest crybaby in all the Ozarks." Pretty Boy said quietly, "Dad please and why you keep mentioning about my birth. I have a hard time imaging I came from something so..so hideous and..."

Ugly Guy interrupted him, "Now that ain't no way to talk to your pa like that. You apologized right now." Pretty Boy said in anger, "Goodnight Dad". Like a typical teenager angry with his parent, he slams the door of bedroom and to prevent him from hearing him, he turns up the radio in his room and play it loudly. However instead of loud rock and roll music, it's actually loud classical music since rock and roll is way too out of character for Pretty Boy.

Unknown to the dysfunctional family, Young Guy slip from their grasp and went back to being invisible. He went through the prison and saw the jailer's keys hanging on the wall. He grabbed them and free his allies. He told them that he has an escape plan. They went down to the port and got inside empty barrels and used them to float down into the Big Piney Creek


Pretty Boy slowly approach Bowgirl from behind. As he had his hands behind his back and nervously rubbing the tip of his shoe on the ground, he said to her, "Hey, I was thinking you and I should go to my dad's private theater together and watch the Wrath of Khan and..." He stop when he notice she was staring longingly at a rock she was holding, he asked her what is that. She told him it was a gift from handsome prisoner with the 5 o'clock shadow. "It was a family runestone, a promise he made to come back to his folks. He has such care for his family. Oh, the next thing we talk about was the beautiful starlight and the moon. Oh!" If she was a cartoon character, there be heart symbols floating around her.

Pretty Boy quickly turned around and quickly walked away while mumbling and grumbling under his breath. He went ahead to check on the prison, only to notice no one is there. He came back to Bowgirl to tell her the news and they hurried outside.


At the river, the long name group was now getting attack by Neo-Red Coats. They threw their toy axes at them. Beardboy got hit in the leg by a dart. Luck is on their side when Pretty Boy and Bowgirl came and went totally OP on the enemy as they perform over the top action to slay them. However their former prisoners got away as they washed down the stream.


Meanwhile at the Missouri border, the two magic users arrived at a ruin. They see a note on a door and it said, Guys, we are meeting up at this underground cavern at Booger Hollow with this Warlock dude. P.S. Bring snacks and cola.


The long name gang washed ashore nearby Knoxville. They see a man at a motor boat. He pulled out a harp and sang, Hello Hello Hello, They call me Poet. Poet the bowman. I will asked, I will asked, what are you doing in barrels.

They told him they are on their way to Mount Magazine and they need some transportation. He sang, I will take you to my homeland in the lands known as Paris. The beardman with the star-shaped haircut asked, "You mean we are going all the way to France?  No way, that's too far away." Whitebeard rolled his eyes and sign, "You idiot, he means Paris, Arkansas. How can you forget one of the mountain's neighboring cities?"

Poet sang to the gang he has trouble with the authorities, mostly due to complaints from others about his singing. He told them being spotted with bringing 14 men into his house will bring a dozen questions.


They sneak into town and hide in the house, there they met his three children. The singer gave them weapons for their quest but it was nothing but broken toys, they declined his request since it won't help him.


Late at night, they slip out of the house and tried to steal toys from a rich dude's house. They were caught and the Ugly Butler brought them to the Rich Lord. Rich Lord is asking what they are doing but the gang told him when they go up the mountain and slay the demonic serpent, they will bring money and make Rich Lord ten times rich. He let them go, gave them toys in good condition to help defend themselves, and wish them luck.

Unfortunately, not everyone in the company can go. Beardboy still hurt from the big epic battle during the barrel riding. The suction cup that hit his knee hurt him real bad. He stayed behind at Poet's house with his brother and a few others.


Meanwhile at an underground cavern at Booger Hollow. The two magic users arrived at the entrance of the cave. Earth Magician will stay behind and provide an escape when his friend leaves.

Magician travel deeper into the caverns. Without warning, a group of Neo-Red Coats and Evil Wolf Furries surrounded the man. He pulled out a few face eating bunnies out of his hat and threw them at some of the enemies. One of the wolf furries was about to lunge at the man but to his surprised, he was levitating. He dug in whatever invisible force was lifting him as saw he was on some wooden plank painted as the same color of the surrounding area. Before he could get off the platform, he saw Magician was holding a razor sharp metal ring and his own body was already halfway through. The magic user pulled down the ring, slicing the costumed man into two.

"Enough!" The man in the top hat turned and saw a man in black robes standing there. He took a hold of his clothing and pulled it off, revealing a man in armor. This shocked Magician, "I don't believe it. You were told to be destroyed centuries ago. Here you are before my eye, Evil Dude has returned."


During present time, Kind Boy sighed. Old Guy asked him what's wrong. "Ok, there were minor changes here and there as well a minor plothole filled, I can understand that but now your adding way too much. I don't remember Pretty Boy in it, let alone the girl that friendzone him with this love triangle around. Next, we had a big action scene at the river when they should simply float down the river with no resistance. We have all these subplots of Paris that was only suppose to be a few pages. Now Evil Dude is tied to the story? Are you making these up on the fly to make your story cooler or something."

Everyone in the room started asking questions. Swordguy II said did any of this really happen. Head Rancher mention this is dumb. Chris said it's silly to heard people telling made up stuff in stories. Mean Butler called Ugly Butler a ripoff despite the fact he existed since the 80s. Beardguy thinks it's cool to hear his dad battling Red Coats at the river. Pretty Boy told the rest he really was there. Eventfully, everyone calm down and resume listening to the story.


On the last day of Fall, the gang finally arrived at the mountain. The moonlight from the sky shined on a wall and revealed a key. They used it to open the secret door and entered the caverns. As the contract said, their burglar Young Guy must sneaked inside the vault and grab the Glowing Tennisball from the wretched serpent. They open the 30 foot door that leads inside for their young friend.


Poet got arrested again the 12th time this month because of complaints from his singing. Unknown to the beardmen who stayed behind at his house, the forces of evil led by the Albino's son notice this, meaning they are defenseless. He unleash a raid towards the poet's house. Poet's children grab some harps to defend themselves. They played on them to kill their enemies, only for nothing to happen. Only someone dumb enough to think that using harps as weapons was a great idea.

Thankfully the family, Pretty Boy and Bowgirl who been tracking the beardmen come in the rescue and totally pwned the enemy in over the top flashy moves. The Albino's son retreated with his forces. Bowgirl saw Beardboy injured and gave him some medicine to nurse him back to good health.


Meanwhile inside the giant bank vault that's within the caverns in Mount Magazine. Young Guy walks around towers made of dollar bills that only go up fifteen feet. He spotted some strange light down the vault. His own eyes spotted it, the glow in the dark tennis ball. He shoves it in his pocket and then heard a sound behind him. Was it the monster? He turns around and breathe a sigh and relief. It was a tiny little lizard. He picked it up by and leave the vault.

He went back to the others and told them while holding the lizard in the air. "I didn't see a monster but I.." He stopped when he his friends started screaming. They say, "EEEH! KEEP THAT BEAST AWAY FROM US!" They cornered themselves while one covered his eyes and pointed his plastic sword outward. The traveler drop it to the ground and said, "It's nothing but a harmless lizard. Don't tell me this is the beast you guys were telling me about?"

The lizard crawled towards the beardmen. They panicked and ran in different directions. One came back saying, "Don't don't worry guys, I..I will take care of it." In his hands was a bowl of nacho cheese. He closed his eyes in fear and threw the contents of the bowl towards the so called monstrous reptile. The cheese covered the entire lizard and splashed all over Young Guy. He wiped the cheese off his face and said to himself, "You got to be kidding."

He grabbed the lizard by the tail. He went outside and set it down on the edge of a cliff that was facing north to Paris. He perform a mighty kick that sent the animal skyward. He told his friends, "There, are you guys happy? I got rid of him."

He took a few minutes cleaning the nacho cheese off of himself. He was about to turn around but stopped when he heard shouts all the way from Paris. He pulled out a pair of special binoculars that can make you hear from great distances. From what he could make out he heard, "EEEH! AN EVIL BEAST! KILL IT FIRE, QUICK! OH GREAT, I ACCIDENTALLY BURNED DOWN SEVERAL HOUSES WHILE TRYING TO KILL IT!"

It sounds like citizens of Paris has Lizardphobia too. Young Guy facepalms.

View Chapter 3

The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home: Chapter 1

It's been 10 years since Evil Dude was defeated. The long title people who help defeated Evil Dude like Chris, Pretty Boy, Beardguy, Magician arrived to the village of Hill Area in the Ozarks to celebrate Kind Boy's birthday. They brought their friends like Head Rancher, Mean Butler, Dark Magician, Swordguy II, his wife Cowgirl, and their children, Swordguy III and Swordwoman I and II. They all gather and ate birthday cake. Magician brought fireworks for Prankster and Trickster to fire in the air.

At one point, Kind Boy waved his hands in the air to grab their attention. "Now we don't have to worry about copper rings and stuff, I been wanting to tell you guys about my uncle's great journey from the 1980s. I have a book he wrote down on of his epic quest but he rather tell you guys in person." Old Guy came and sat down on a chair in front of the crowd, "You sure, it's your birthday and..." Kind Boy answered, "No, by all means, I want people to hear your tale." His uncle replied, "Well alright then."


He told them long ago in the land known as Mount Magazine, there is an unknown village in the caves of the mountains. They were full of men who never shave in their life and they have Arkansas' largest bank vault. They were the proud to be the wealthiest people in all the state. Then one day, a monstrous reptile appeared. All the beardmen were scared and ran away from the mountain and got separated from their vault. They asked some Star Trek cosplayers to help them out but they say they don't want to risk their lives. All the citizens of Mount Magazine lived in exile in Blue Mountain, Arkansas. One year has passed since then and things quiet down since then.



In the land of Hill Area, back when Old Guy went by a different name, Young Guy. Our villager is resting peacefully on his lawn chair at his front yard, with a cherry-flavored sucker in his mouth. He opened his eyes when he notice someone standing near him and asked, "Do you want to go on an adventure?" Young Guy asked, "Who are you?" The man replied, "Surely you haven't forgotten me?" Suddenly his voice became loud and sinister, "I am Magician and Magician means me." Suddenly, lightning flashed in the sky even tho it was a nice sunny morning. Young Guy said, "Oh yeah, I remember. Your the traveling magician who visits our town and puts on a show and fire fireworks." He paused and just remembered something else the traveler said, "Wait, go on an adventure? No thank you, I'm comfortable right here."

He went back inside his house. Magician went to his front door and pulled out a spray can and made a symbol on it.


Late at night, Young Guy got a visitor with a beard who wanted to stay at his house and eat some food. He didn't want to be rude to his guest, so he fed him. Suddenly, another show up, and another, and before you know, he had thirteen men at his house having a feast and making a mess.

Magician came in and told him about the upcoming adventure they are going to make to Mount Magazine to reclaim their lost home. They hoping Young Guy will join them to be their burglar to steal back their most prized possession back from the evil scaly beast, a glowing tennis ball. It is a symbol of their lost town.

The beardmen had doubts of Young Guy being burglar material and started arguing but Magician did some sort of magic trick that caused the lights go dim and somehow made his voice boom loudly, "If I say he's a burglar, then a burglar he is." The beardmen stop arguing.

Young Guy was given a contract if he wants to assist them. He get 1/14th of the share of the money but it lists possible cause of death from the evil reptile. Head chopped off by it's sharp teeth, personification from staring at it's eyes, poison from it's fangs, burnt to a crisp by it's breath, etc.

Suddenly, the thirteen beardmen told the man that they are going to sing a song about their journey through the misty mountains. Young Guy was ready to listen to their folk song but to his surprise, they actually were singing in rap. He watch as they threw gang signs and lose count on the number of curse words he heard. He heard some things about taking their turf back from the dragon, to taking on the beard haters, and scoring with all the babes with facial hair.


The morning after, Magician and the 13 beardmen head off with Young Guy. It didn't seem he wanted to go at first but he was having the crave of adventure and excitement and so, he joined them in their quest. They became The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home.(TGQFHAATGTMMTKAMRARTH)

Meanwhile, during present day, Beardguy stand up from his chair and said, "Oh yeah, isn't my dad part of those thirteen and..." Old Guy pointed to him , "Yes, yes, he is but I need to continue onwards the story." Beardguy sat back down to listen.


The 21 words group made camp from not far from the city of Flippin, Arkansas. Young Guy asked the gang what kind of dangers should he await. One of the eldest of the group called Whitebeard told him one of their most dangerous enemies is Neo-Red Coats. A group of people who still thinks the British should of won the Revolutionary War and do anything to return the US back to England.

Whitebeard told their new recruit a story of how their leader wage a battle against them. The leader witness a few of his family members getting beheaded by Albino Neo-Red Coat. Angry on the loss of those dear to him, he picked up a sheet of cardbored and battle the pale skin man. He manage to cut off his arm and the enemy retreat. That is the tale of Beardin Cardboardshield.


After an hour after they passed the city of Harrison, it started to rain on them and none of them carried an umbrella. One of them complained his beard is soaked. One mention they should of took the long way to Harrison and met some singers. At least the news reports said it's not raining there. One of the them asked Magician to do magic to undo the rain. Magician told them he's only a stage magician and his stuff is mainly smoke and mirrors.


They turned at the Northwest Arkansas Metro area and head south. Magician suggested they take a rest at Fort Smith because he knows some people there that will help them but Beardin said no, he has a grudge against those people. The magic user sighed and said, "Forget this." He just left the long name group and left for parts unknown.


Midway between Northwest Metro area and Fort Smith, they rested at a campfire and roast marshmallows. One of the youngest beardman and...well he doesn't even have a beard, it's more of a 5 o'clock shadow and he's was far too attractive that he looks far different from the others. Anyways, he's called Beardboy. He and his brother were telling the others that the number of horses has decrease. Most of them didn't believe them.

Young Guy slips out of camp and investigate the case of disappearing horses. He caught a trail on the ground and follow it. It lead him to a different camp and at it's place is a trio of Internet Trolls. He saw one of them sitting with his laptop that connected to a telephone wire. They sit there waiting and hearing the sound of dial-up. One of them said, "I got tired of waiting for the thing to connect to start trolling people, so I decided to troll a nearby camp and capture some of their horses. Im in thur camp, stealing thur horsies." The other two laugh at his recent prank.

The man from Hill Area looked around and saw a few horses tied to a tree with a chain. He study the chain and saw there is a lock tied to it. He saw one of the internet trolls has a purse tied to it's belt. That's must be where the keys are kept.

He sneak in from behind the troll and reach in to grab it, soon as it's fingers touch it, he suddenly heard, "Ere, 'oo are you?" Young Guy jumped back and screamed, "OH MY GOODNESS! A TALKING PURSE!" The trolls turned to their visitor, "Look at this newb, he thinking he can steal from us." Another one said, "LOL man, this newb doesn't know your purse has a electronic toy that act like a sensor to sense foreign fingerprints, like total pwnage dude." The 3rd troll said, "You know, instead of waiting to flame people online, we should totally flame this dude. LOL, like literally man but we need to hurry up before the sun comes up or we be flamed."

They try to drag him to the camp fire, they stopped midway when they heard, "Hold it!" Out of the bushes came out the 13 beardmen. They armed their plastic swords and axes at them. One of trolls told them to not come near or they will roast their friend. The beardmen groan and threw their weapons to the ground. The trolls grabbed a chain and started wrapping them to a tree. After chaining them and Young Guy up, one of the trolls said they need to get to their tent.

Before they can go their tent, they see a man with a top hat and black robes standing next to the tent, it was Magician. He grabs the entire tent and shoves it in his balled up hand, he open his hand and pops out is a small bundle of flowers. The three cyber-bullies were now freaking out and ran in circles. The sun rises and it's light touches the three men. The three men burst into flames.

Magician walks towards the imprisoned men and wiggled the chains in a few motions, suddenly the chains became loose and sink into the ground. One of the men asked why the trolls burst into flame and the magic user told them it's because they a condition that they can't come in contact with the sun.

The magic user return the tent of how it was. The fourteen search inside and found toy weapons for their quest. Young Guy gets a glow-in-the-dark butter knife. With their horses returned, they went back on the road.


The next morning, they see a man on a sleight being pulled by rabbits. He was in an outfit similar like Magicain's but it's covered in dirt and mud. This is Earth Magician. He and Magician are old friends and sometimes joined together to perform shows.


Meanwhile in present day, Old Guy notice Kind Boy was going though pages of the book of the story that Old Guy is currently telling. He mumble to himself, "I don't remember Earth Magician in the book. Where is he?" He gave up searching and resume listening to Old Guy's tale.


Earth Magician was telling his friend that alot animals been dying lately. He believed an Evil Warlock is gathering evil forces to start an army and conquer Arkansas. Suddenly, they see a small group of Neo-Red Coats and Evil Wolf Furries were chasing them down. Earth Magician said he distract them. Magician told them he knows a safe place to get away from the enemy. He lead them to a nearby cave.

The group go through the cave tunnels and see light at the end. When they got to the other side, what they see is that they were at a Star Trek convention full of Vulcan cosplayers. This must of be the safe haven in Fort Smith they been hearing about. Most of the Beardmen rolled their eyes. They have a grudge against Trekkie cosplayers for two reasons. One is because they walked away when they needed them the most when they were forced out of their mountain. The other, the Beardmen are hardcore Star Wars fans instead of Star Trek.


They sit down with the cosplayers and had a feast. They weren't happy on the choice of food since the cosplayers are vegetarians. Later on that day, the Trekkies were watching a man perform the theme of Search of Spock on a flute. The Beardman with the silly hat didn't like this and got up on stage after the flute player was done. The hatman perform a rap song that cause the audience to look at each other and wondered what they heck they just watching.

Late at night, Beardin and Magician were discussing about the map they have they leads to a secret entrance to the caves of Mount Magazine. Unfortunately, it doesn't say anything. Behind them, a man comes to them and said, "I can help with that." They turn and see an actual elf in brown robes. This is the Evil Elf King's Twin Brother. Thankfully for them, he is nothing like his brother and actually good.

Beardin handed him the map. The elf tells them that there is a hidden clue on the map. Magician without thinking blurts out, "How about we throw in the oven?" The other two give him a look, wondering if he knew that would destroy the piece of fabric.

The elf laid the map on a table. He grabbed a q-tip and rubbed it on some cut up lemons. He then used the lemon-dipped q-tip on the map. He pulls out a hairdryer out of his pocket and use it to dried up the spots where he used the lemon juice. Just then, a previously unseen message appeared. It said that the keyhole will only appear on the last light of Fall.


Next morning, the Beardmen didn't want to stay with the Trekkies any longer, they brought Young Guy and sneak out. They headed east while staying near the Ozarks. They witness two tall guys fighting over something. They ignore them and continue on. By the end of the day, they took camp inside of a cave in the Ozarks.


During around midnight, a group of Evil Cave Dwellers threw nets on the group and drag them deeper in the caves. The group struggle from their recent imprisonment. Young Guy used his glow-in-the-dark butter knife and slip out from the constraints. However his body rolled forward and fell down a deep crevasse.  The remainder of the group was brought to the Cave Dweller King.


Young Guy woke up in a dark cave. He notice a cheap ugly ring made out of copper laying near him with the smell of detergent. He grab it and put it in his pocket. As he was leaving, he encounter a weird impish looking man. He said he won't allow him to leave unless they play games.

For the next few minutes, they played Battleship, Connect Four, Hungry Hungry Hippos, and Twister. The impish man loses every single one of them. As part of the deal, he told Young Guy where the exit is.

As the weird mutant went back his spot, he notice his ring is gone. He screamed, "NOOO! HE STOLE IT! I WON'T LOOK GOOD WITHOUT MY BLING-BLING!"


Meanwhile, the Cave Dwellers search the Beardmen's weapons. They looked at one plastic sword and freaked out. The Cave Dweller King said it is the Cave Dweller Cleaver. Legend said this toy has slay hundreds of their people in the past.

Out of nowhere, smoked appeared in front of everyone. As it died down, there stands Magician. He asked the Cave Dwellers if they want to see a magic show. All the evil ones raised their hands up in the air and shouted yes. The man in black robes did several tricks before their eyes like disappear coins, card tricks, and ribbons turned into flowers. He pulled out a box and asked Cave Dweller King if he wants to volunteer. He gleefully agrees. He laid down in a box as magic user closes it. He pulls out a saw and cuts the box in three pieces and separated it. Just then, blood oozed from the end pieces.

One of the Dwellers said, "Wait a minute, that not a magic trick. He really did cut our king into three pieces." Magician gave an awkward smile and said, "Time to go." He threw a smoke bomb into the ground and vanish.

The very next minute, the group are released and running and fighting the Cave Dwellers on the way. They sliced open their guts and beheaded many of them. After killing many of them, they found the exit of the caves. Ironically, Young Guy was there as well.

During present time, Kind Boy mumbled to himself he doesn't remember the story being gory. Back to the story.


As they were leaving the cave, they were now attacked by an army of Neo-Red Coats and men in wolf outfits. The group climb nearby trees to get away from them. Magician threw out some flaming pine cones at their opponents and killed a few Furries. Beardin Cardboardshield saw the man who was leading the group. It was the Albino that killed members of his family. He was believed to be dead after their last fight but it seems he is very alive, now sporting a robotic arm to replace his cut off limb.

Just then, a gang of War World II fighter planes came down and fired several Nerf bullets at the evil ones. They scattered to avoid the attack. They briefly landed down near the long title gang and the gang hopped in them. The planes then took off and flew south.

They landed near an hidden airfield not far from the city of Jasper. As they got off, Young Guy asked, "Why not take us all the way to Mount Magazine?" Pretty soon, he heard a dozen excuses from airmen like they don't have the gas, one of them is sick, they are not a taxi service, there is a force field around the mountain till someone gets rid of the lizard beast. The traveler rolled his eyes.

Seems going through caves took them way up north in the Ozarks. They have to go south again to hopefully get to the mountain by the end of Fall.

View Chapter 2