You will cry!!! The Prequel

I often joked to friends about silly jokes based on whatever movies were airing at the time.  However I sometimes joked about movies that came before 2009. Here's a collection of silly movie threats. Enjoy.

Super Mario Bros- I'm going to make you watch Super Mario Bros...You will cry…You will cry… When you see…A human Bowser.

Do they look like the same guy? 

Like M.Bison, They turn him into a light-hair man in a business suit.

He does turn into a dinosaur for barely a minute at the end of the film. It's very anti-climatic.

You will cry when you see the guitarist that's speaking out against Bowser….Is suppose to be Toad.  

That the big black woman that Mario danced with…Is suppose to be that giant fish that eats Mario.

Note- The differences between the game and movies versions is laughable. Mario and Luigi get rocket boots that explains their "jumping" ability, so even something simple as jumping got radically altered.

Want to see the what the Goombas look like?

Here's the trailer if anyone wants to see

Casino Royale- You will cry...You will cry...When you see...A blond bond

Gee, one of these guys look different from the others. I can't put my finger on which one.



Note-When Daniel Craig was cast as Bond. Everyone complain like crazy over a frigging hair color. People did ended up liking him after Casino Royale came out. Sadly, he still has his haters to this day for the dumbest reasons.

Here's the trailer



Brokeback Mountain- I'm going to make you watch Brokeback Mountain...You will cry... You will cry...When you see... Two cowboys going at it.

Note- I'm not against gay people or anything. It's just female viewers have teased me about making me watch this movie.

Here's the trailer

Planet of the Apes (2001 remake)- You will cry...You will cry...When you are...Trying to figure out the ending.

Notes- I quickly tell what happens, After Marky Mark defeated the villain and made peace with humans and apes. He got in a space pod and leave the planet. He than arrived on Earth but he couldn't land properly, so he had to make a crash landing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. The statue of Lincoln had an ape's face rather than a human. Just then, hundreds of cars arrived and took pictures of Marky Mark. They were all apes. This ending did not make sense.


I guess this was an alternate universe where human never did became the dominate species. It's possible that this is Earth in the future where apes evolved and took over and rewrote history to their liking.(Like changing Lincoln's face.) The only other idea I have is the entire movie took place on prehistoric Earth did became the dominate life on the planet. Either way, the ending was never explained to this day.

Here's the trailer



I'm going to make you watch Snakes...On a plane.

Note-The title said it all. Just saying the title of the movie would surprised anyone that such a silly name would be the title of a movie.



TMNT(2007)- You will cry...You will cry...When you see...That's in CGI.

Note-  I know some people whose only reason to hate this flick is that it's in CGI and not costumes/animaltronics. They honestly believe that Turtles 3 is better just because it not done in CGI, I'm not joking. Obviously, they never watch anything Turtles related since the early 90s and vaguely remember what the latter movies were like. 
While the 1st one is easily the best to this day, 2 and especially 3 were a drop in quality. I rank 2007 movie between between the 1st and 2nd and it was the only good/decent thing that happen to Ninja Turtles back when 2003 series went downhill with Fast Forward and Back to the Sewer. Thank goodness the series ended on a high note with the epic crossover TV movie, Turtles Forever

Here's the trailer for the 2007 movie

Star Wars: The Holiday Special

You will cry...You will cry...When you see…A masturbating wookie

10 straight minutes of  wookies talking with with no translation and no subtitles


Most annoying cooking show


Girly looking Luke


Slowest most boring tutorial of how to make a transmitter


When you see Mos Eisley...A scum of hive and villainy… is crying like babies that their cantina is closing down as they watch Bea Arthur from Golden Girls sing.



Note- The Holiday Special is an obscure TV special that only aired once on TV. After Epsiode 4, CBS asked George Lucas to have the go ahead to make a holiday special. He agreed and after it aired, he hated it so much that he doesn't want it to air again and never to be put on VHS/DVD/Blu-Ray/Etc. You can only find a low-quality version somewhere on the internet to watch.


Mark Hamill had a car accident during the final days of shooting A New Hope that scarred him and he had to get surgery for his face. He had wear alot make up on his face for the Holiday Special but the end results is weird. He looks girly. In Empire Strikes Back, the 1st thing that happens to Luke is he gets smacked in the face from a Wampa. If you see any facial scars throughout episodes 5 and 6, well that's maybe the movie's explanation why he got those.

Here is a clip of some of the weirdest moments from the Special
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDfvQMfp7uo

Watch the scum of hive and villainy cry like babies with Bea Arthur
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6K6ETASu1E

One of the few positive things people said is there is a cartoon in middle of the special that shows the very first appearance of Boba Fett that predated his appearance in Empire Strikes Back.



You will cry!!! 09

A long time ago in early 2009, I was joking around with one of my friends and the 2nd live action Street Fighter movie is coming out soon and he didn't like the movie from the previews. 

Later that day, he annoyed me at one point and I joke that I was going to drag him into the theaters and tie him to one the chairs and he be force to watch the movie.

Ever since then, I been joking that I going to make people to watch movies, either it was good or bad to when someone annoys me. Sometimes, I just pick on the film over the silliest things.

Here is a list of movie threats that came out from 2009

I going to make you watch, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. You will cry…You will cry… When you see M.Bison….As a white hair man in a business suit

  

Does Movie M.Bison look anywhere close to his video game counterpart? Even if the movie going for a darker, more realistic look, at lease give the man a red suit to show some connection to the source material.




You will cry...You will cry...When you see Vega….Played by an ugly rapper.

Vega is suppose to be a pretty boy narcissist. At first, I thought it was bad casting but during the movie, Chun-Li said the reason he hides his face is because his face is ugly. Vega is played by Taboo from Black Eye Peas.
Chun-Li vs. Vega was a lame anti-climatic fight that was barely a minute. Go watch to animated movie to see a far better fight with these two.

The movie was trying to go for a darker and more realistic take like the Dark Knight trilogy, it didn't work. While the Van-Damme movie is a terrible adaption of the video game series, it gain a cult following over the years due to it's campy nature while Legend of Chun-Li is a bad boring movie.

Here's the trailer of the movie if anyone wants to see.



I going to make you watch Dragonball Evolution. You will cry…You will cry…When you see…..A white Goku.


Even Dragonball haters know how bad the movie is by glancing at the trailers. They agree it doesn't look like anything from the show.

Here's the trailer

I going to make you watch Ace Ventura Jr… You will cry when you see… that’s it your typical Jim Carreyless sequel like Son of Mask.

It’s like the movie makers purposely made this just to add to the list of horrible Jim Carrey sequels that he doesn't star in.

Here's the trailer





I'm going to make you watch Watchmen… You will cry...When you see Dr Matthatten’s….. Giant blue winkie for 3 straight hours.

If you were looking forward to seeing the girl naked, well too bad. The female superhero was only naked for one minute while the blue guy is naked for 3 hours, that's totally not fair.

No, this movie is not a porno. He just simply a god-like being who is above humanity that he sees no need for clothes. The camera didn't focus on his ehh...little smurf but it was there in the background.

She's naked for barely a minute during a sex scene as they play the song, "Hallelujah". That is the worst song for a sex scene ever made.

Here's the trailer

　

X-Men Origins-You cry...You cry...When you see Hugh Jackman….Running across the grassy fields butt naked.

When you see…A mouthless Deadpool.



Note#1- First I see a blue privates from Watchmen, then I see Hugh Jackman’s butt. Yuck! Well there is two girls in the movie but they're only in the flick for 5 minutes in total.

Update- Me and my big mouth, Days of Future Past actually shows you his butt. I was simply making a joke about male nudity you barely saw for a second. I didn't know this would of happen.

Note#2- Deadpool is a popular Marvel character. So popular that the makers of War for/Fall of Cybertron made a game based on him. His fans hated what happen to him in the movie’s climax. He called "Merc with a mouth" and they gave them the opposite.

Update- Now he has a movie coming out in 2016 that has far far better treatment to the character.

Here's the trailer 

Terminator 4- You cry....That Arnold isn’t in it.

Note- Actually he was…eh sort of. It was a look-alike bodybuilder with CGI on his face. That was coolest part of the entire movie.
I seen people believe the movies can’t go without him and whines about it. *rolleyes* Terminator is suppose to be about Humans fighting machines, not Arnold. The franchise can go without him.

Here's the trailer It does gave away about a plot twist on a certain character halfway through the film.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen- When you see… Devastator’s wrecking balls.

That Bumblebee is mute again

When you see ....A human transformer

When you see Sideways...Dies in the 1st five minutes.

When The Fallen…Dies in less of a minute.

That heroic honorable Optimus said to The Fallen, "Give me your face!" As he rams in fist through his chest.

Note#1- You can do a drinking game on all the sex jokes in the 2^nd movie. This one stands out of all the sex jokes in the movie. Thank Primus that I only notice one or two sex jokes in the 3rd movie.

Note#2- At the end of the 1st movie, Bumblebee gains back his voice. In the start of the 2nd movie, well they decided to forget it and make him mute again and he will stays that way.

WTF...A human transformer, there has never been one before. How dare you created this Micheal Bay.

Note#3-The evil female human Decepticon is based on the Pretenders from G1. When the show got cancelled in the mid-80s, the toys and comics still went on for a few more years. The Autobots disguise themselves as 25-foot tall humans while the Decepticons think they blend in on Earth well by disguising themselves as 25-foot tall monsters. Yeah, this does sound silly. The concept actually done better in this movie. Of course, most people are only familiar with the cartoon and only the cartoon.

Note#4-The movie is full of anti-climatic fights, like the giant unicycle bot we saw in the trailers get kill in 5 seconds of his introduction.

I heard from a book that supposedly Sideways from Transformers: Armada visited China, and scan an Audi r8 for an alternate mode. Thankfully the author of the book said it's suppose to be a joke rather than canon evidence that's he the same exact guy that got sliced in half in the 2nd film. Good thing because it be lame to treat one of the coolest characters from Armada as a mere stormtrooper. 

Note#5-The Fallen is an suppose to be this cool dude who betrayed his bros and his creator god to serve their enemy, Unicron. Sadly that the movie kills it's title character in seconds. Imagine the viewers came to see the movie to see Optimus and The Fallen duke it out and it was only for a second.

Note#6-The live action version of Optimus is infamous among fans because he acts more like a blood thirsty killer than a honorable soldier.

Here's the trailer

Harry Potter Half-Blood Prince- “That Snape….You know what, I should shut up.”

Note- The ending of the movie became a well known spoiler like who Darth Vader is, the ending of disk 1 of Final Fantasy 7, where Planet of the Apes take place, or what’s Dr. Jackal’s connection to Mr. Hyde.

Here's the trailer
　

Avatar: The Last Airbender- “You will cry…You will cry… When you see all these blue people. I don’t remember them from the cartoon. This movie is going to be more unfaithful than Catwoman.”

“You cry that the bald boy... Has been Americanized and renamed as Jake.”

Military haircut does not mean bald you dumb movie makers.

“You cry that the scarred boy...been reimagined as an old general.”

Well he got scars but it's on the wrong side and why is he old?

Well I guess the military is suppose to be the fire nation since they have "firepower" with guns and missiles. I think the blue people are suppose to be the water people since their skin is blue as water.

Also it's disgusting they made the brother and sister into an engaged couple.

At lease he has the mohawk while she has braids.

Note- I never saw the cartoon other than a few minutes. I knew a live action movie was coming out back when I saw a teaser in theaters in 2009. I heard things here and there like the famous director, James Cameron will be directing it. It sounds like it’s going to be an awesome flick from what little I know. I didn't pay attention to the news that much due to never watching the show. 

I decided to check out the trailer that’s on youtube's front page. I was confused and it didn't look like some Eastern fantasy world but some Scifi flick. I wonder if it was a unfaithful adaption for a few seconds.

I quickly realized that there are two separate Avatar movies and the “What a twist” guy is directing the one based on the cartoon. Next thing you tell me is that there be two separate Snow White movies, 2 different Abraham Lincoln movies, or 2 different Hercules movies. Hearing how the movie that's actually based on the cartoon turn out, I bet the fanboys wish Cameron directed it instead.

Here's the trailer

Dodgeball 3: Facts and Deleted Material

Like the other Dodgeball stories, this one went through rewrites as well.

Several friends wanted me to write this story. The problem is that I haven’t seen the 3^rd Matrix movie in theaters and they have to wait. I quickly wrote the story soon as it came on DVD.

The story started with “We entered the French Restaurant.” Ok, did Cabot ever had a fancy French restaurant? I had to rewrite it as a secret place that’s underneath the President of the French Club’s house. Also, that’s a lame way to introduce people into the story. We need a reminder of what happen previously and set up a intro to the story. The part that Giant Robot Spiders were going to attack Austin wasn’t mention till we got to the French guy. I also had to make an excuse why we couldn’t reach Austin on foot, car, or the subway that secretly under Auto-Tech building.


The Maitre d' part was added because the scene from the restaurant to the dance club was quick. I felt like needed expanding and yes, I took that bubble gum bomb from Never Say Never. No, not that movie based on that singer that needs a haircut, the one with 007 is the one I'm talking about.


I didn’t notice the bondage-like leather in the dance club in the movie till long after I wrote the story. I added a joke that how it’s weird that the Frenchman who is suppose to be a High Schooler runs this type of place.


Anyone who seen the movie knows that Neo is trapped a subway in the 1^st 30 minutes. Forget it, I’m not going to be trapped in a boring place. I changed it to we need to make a deal with the Frenchman to use his subway entrance to get to Austin.


The Battle of Zion was a losing battle for the humans and they were losing lives and humanity would die if Neo didn’t make a truce with the machines. I threw in complete opposite to surprised my viewers.


I stopped parodying the 3^rd Matrix movie and started on other franchises during on the portal hopping.

• Medieval Tower- Lord of the Rings: Gandalf vs. Saruman with a mix of the Balrog fight and how Aragorn’s ancestor defeated Sauron.
• Place of Pillars of Lights and narrow bridges with no railings- Star Wars: Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon vs. Darth Maul with a bit Luke vs. Vader.
• Factory- Terminator 2: T-100 vs. T-1000
• Place of wooden bridges and skeletons- Mortal Kombat. The location is based on Johnny Cage vs. Scorpion in the 1^st movie.
• Water Tower- Legend of Zelda. Based on the final battles with Ganondorf in Ocarina of Time and Wind Waker.
• The Astral World- Final Fantasy, based Squall vs. Seifer from 8's intro and 7's Ending with Cloud vs. Sephiroth.

“Unless he comes back as a cyborg or something.” There is no way that would ever been written back in the day. It’s a brand new addition and a reference of Darth Maul coming back from the dead in recent years.


The Terminator part wasn’t in the early version of the stories.


I knew when I wrote the 1^st draft that taking the ice gauntlets with me to the portal would give me an edge and it would be weird I was acting like Link with ice powers. Had to write off those gloves before I jumped into the portal.


The Evil Elf King turning into a Dragon (like Ganondorf turning into a giant pig) wasn’t in the early versions.


The Squall vs. Seifer part in the Astral World wasn’t in the early versions.


The final battle from Mission Impossible 2 was planned to be in the story back then but it was only in the concept stage, never to be written in any version of the story. I enjoyed those movies but I only seen them once. I’m more of a causal viewer rather a hardcore fan to those films.


In the early versions, one of the portal hopping battles was based on the final battle from Transformers: Armada. Remember this story was written when the show just ended and fresh in our minds. That battle was awesome! This shock everyone because this is a show that many TF fans didn’t like and it blew their minds on how the final battle went on how brutal Optimus and Megatron went. The average battles in the series are usually slowish.

It’s be weird to use that battle from Armada nowdays. There’s alot of battles to pick from the Transformers franchise and it be odd to pick Armada’s final battle from the rest.


Remember, this was written way back then. So don’t expect anything based on Thorin vs. Azog, Anakin vs. Obi-Wan, John Connor vs. CGI Arnold, Cloud vs. Sephiroth from Advent Children with a pencil that splits into 10 pencils, or stabbing into the Elf King’s heart like Twilight Princess.


No, I’m not going to die like how Neo did. I’m rewriting that ending because this is my story.


Yes, I saw the alternate ending in that one Matrix game called Path of Neo somewhere on youtube and it's funny how the Matrix creators paused the game to explain why the ending's different. Remember, this was written soon as the 3rd movie was on DVD. That game didn't come out some time later.

The Dodgeball 3 part 2 of 2

View part 1

On the rainy night of Cabot. I see thousands of elves watching me as I meet up with the Evil Elf King who is standing in the middle of the street. “Mr. Boyett, welcome back. We miss you.” I said back to him, “Shut up, I forgot to bring my umbrella! Well anyways, it ends tonight!”

Almost all the elf viewers pull out popcorn as they watch us fight while others sing in Latin. Both Me and the Elf King ran to each other and as I got near, I slip and fell to the ground. I quickly hopped back up and said, “uhh, forget that, let’s go back to fighting.” We engaged in epic kung-fu fighting but I wish he chose a different night because fighting in the rain is annoying and making me cold. The point-ear man flew high in the air, I used my jetpack to catch up with him. We engaged in midair kung-fu fighting. The Elf King grab me and did a judo throw on me where I was flung into one of the upper floors of a nearby bank.

I got back up on my feet and saw the elf charge into the opening he made. I jumped and avoided his attack. We continue to fight but at lease the good news is that I was indoors. We fought for almost a minute and than I perform a lightning kick his face, making him to spit out some green blood. I did a roundhouse on him that knocked him back and sent flying through the window. I quickly used my jetpack to follow him.

Both of us fly up to 100 meters above the city and we went back to mid-air fighting again. The Evil Elf King punched me in the face and than grab me. He was flying straight into the ground, getting ready to perform 100-meter suplex on me. I struggle and quickly broke out of his hold. I punched him in the face several times and than I grabbed him and turn his body facing the ground as I now was performing the suplex on him. As he was slammed into the ground, a large shockwave shoot outwards, blowing away cars and damaging alot buildings.

Both me and the Evil Elf King got up. I looked around my surrounding and saw that we were standing in a giant crator in the central of Cabot. As I started to walk to the elf, I saw him snap his fingers. A large portal appear behind him and he jumped into it. I wasn’t going to stop fighting so I follow him into it.

　

On the other side of the portal, I saw that I was in some dark medieval tower and then I heard, “Welcome to my world Mr. Boyett. The age of humans will fall.” I notice the Elf King has a wooden staff in his hand. He pushes it forward and I was throw back by an invisible force. I saw a similar looking staff on the ground did the same thing to him. Turns out my guess to use the staff work as the Evil Elf was thrown back. He got up and pulled out a flame whip and use it against me. I used the staff to bounce back his whip attacks and shouted, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” My enemy grabbed his staff again does a pulling motion on it. I was pulled towards him and fell to the ground. He slammed his foot on my staff, breaking it in half. He used his staff to make my head spin on the ground like I was on a record player or something. As my spinning body was about to get near the Elf King, I grabbed the broken staff and jab the sharp broken ends into his ring finger. I was release from that “record player” attack and saw he drop his staff and checking his injured finger. “My my finger, it’s hurts!” He look angry and said to me, “I BITE YOUR FINGERS OFF FOR THAT!” I grabbed the staff he drop and used it to push him out of nearby window. I ran to the broken window and look down to see the evil man fall…only to see a another portal floating on where he have fallen. I jumped off the window and fall down into the portal.


On the other side, I saw that I was in some place that has pillars of light and narrow bridges all over the place with no railings. Ahead of me was the king with two flashlights that were melded together in his hand. I pulled out a flashlight to combat my foe and we engaged in a cool sword fight with our flashlights but for some reason, I someone hearing singing in the background. We fought for two minutes till a red force field separate us. We both sit down and waited.

After five long minutes of waiting, the force field shuts down and we continue our fight on another narrow bridge. The elf hit my wrist which cause me to drop my flashlight. The king said, “Join me Chris because I am your Father’s Brother’s Wife’s Uncle’s Neighbor’s Daughter’s Cousin’s Trash man.” I scratch my head and said “Who cares.” I use the magnet in my watch to get back the flashlight I dropped. Once I got it, I swing it against the King’s stomach. He lose his balance and fell off the bridge. I hope that’s the end of him unless he comes back as a cyborg or something. I started to wonder if he open portal and I look down. Sure enough he did and I followed.

　

I landed in some type of factory with large gears and fiery pits when I heard some chanting going on. I follow the noise and it look like the pointy-ear man is performing a spell. Once he finish, a clearish-sliver colored goo wrapped around his body. I pulled out a NERF gun and fire at him…only for the bullets slide off his body. I look all over the ground for something to use on him while the Evil Elf King slowly walks to my direction. I quickly found a yardstick and jab it into his stomach…and like the NERF bullets, it slides off of him. He grab the yardstick out of my hand and smack me with it, causing me to fall on the ground. I catch my breathe and open my eyes when I see, a NERF grenade launder is sitting on the ground. I grabbed and then I felt a hand grab my shoulder. The Elf King threw me into a wall. As he was walking closer, I notice the silver slime around his hand was forming into a blade, ready to stab me in the head. I press the NERF grenade launder into his stomach and said "Hasta la Vista". I  fired and the King was throw backwards and fell off the railing, falling into the fiery pits. I knew well enough that he was going to open a portal, so I looked down where he fell and I follow him.

　

I landed in a place that was full of wooded platforms and bridges. I search the area to find my opponent when I heard behind me, “WELCOME!” The king punch me in the face and ninja kick me over and over till I fall off the bridge. My body fell through several wooden bridges that broke my fall till it hit the floor. I got and I was shocked to see skeletons all over the ground. I also notice a pair of icy-blue gauntlets on the ground. Hoping they will aid me somehow, I put them on. I look up and see the Elf King jump down and met up with me on ground level. He pull out a kunai that’s attach to a chain out of his long sleeves and threw at me. I grabbed the kunai before he stabbed me in the face. To my surprise, I notice the entire chain was frozen. I figure my gauntlets can magically create ice. I karate chop the Elf’s chain, shattering it to pieces. I then use my magic gauntlets to throw icicles at my foe. The Evil Elf King dodge them and then he slid on the floor with his foot press outwards. I jumped over him before he hit me. The King got up and pull his hands into his sleeves and then, long blades emerge from them. They look like they are made of a very sharp bones. I use my magic gloves to form an ice blade and we had an epic swordfight till I swing hard enough to shatter his two blades. I jump up and kick him repeatedly like I was pedaling a bicycle. My enemy fell to the ground. He got up and snap his fingers. A portal form and he jumped in. I jumped in the portal but I bounce back. I believe my magic gauntlets are preventing me to pass. I took them off and jump in the portal.

　

I landed on top of the water tower that’s standing near the bus parking lot which isn’t that far from Cabot High School. The heavy rain is still going on in this area. I heard an insane laughter coming from one end of the tower, it was The Evil Elf King. He said “Let me show you your future.” He float in the air and threw a fireball at me. I rolled out of the way and saw a umbrella sticking out on top of tower. I grabbed it as the King threw another fireball at me. I swung my weapon at the fireball and it flew back at him. When the fireball got to the evil man, he smack the fireball with his hand and it flew back to my direction. It was like playing pinball with a fireball. The fireball move faster and faster from each hit from we made to the point where The Evil Elf King was unable to hit it in time. He was stunned from his own attack and landed back to the tower. I ran up to him and swing my umbrella at him several times, causing many tears in his clothing. He jumped back a few feet and perform a chant.

When he was finish his spell, a blue light wrap around his body, he morphed into a giant dragon with giant pencils in his hands. He swung at me but I block with my weapon but the mighty blow knock the umbrella out of my hand. I pulled out a stun bomb and threw in his face. With the dragon distracted, I grabbed the umbrella and chopped off his tail. In such pain, his head fell down and I attack his face. After getting a few hits, the creature jump back and reverted by to his elf form. He pulled out two umbrellas and we engaged in an awesome swordfight. I rolled around him, facing his back and I slash him. My attack cause the king to fell down on his knees. I got up in front of him, jump up, and stabbed the umbrella into his brain. Sadly that didn’t happen because the headband on his forehead block my attack. He smiled that my attempt to kill him failed. He kicked the umbrella out of hand and then he fly high in the air.

I turn on my jetpack and follow him. He landed down in the giant crater in the middle of Cabot that I created earlier in the battle. I landed down and saw my opponent look angry. “THIS IS MY WORLD! Why why why Mr.Boyett, why? Is it for peace, truth, love, justice, destiny?” I said back to him, “Because I simply don’t like you.” Angry about my answer, he flung his open hand forward to my direction. All of sudden, I felt sharp pain in my head and I felt my sprit was being dragged out of my body.

　

The next thing I knew is that I was in a dark place with The Evil Elf King in front on me with a Japanese pen in his hand. (the pen was curved) “I took you to the astral world," he said. I pulled a pen that was 1-inch wide and we clash our weapons. For some reason, white feathers were flying around us. The pointy-man man moved back several feet and open his hand to shoot a fireball. I blocked his attack with my pen but it knock me back and fell to the ground. The King stands above with the pen, ready to slash me between my eyebrows. I lean my head back to avoid his attack. I grab my pen and swing upwards, slicing him between his eyebrows. With him in pain, I charge towards him and perform 15 cool-looking pen strikes on him and then I jump five feet in the air and charge all my strength in my pen. As I was landing down, I swing my pen downward on the elf. Green blood was pouring all over his body.

　

All of sudden, I was in the real world again in the giant crater with The Evil Elf King in front of me. He looks weak and is barley able to move. I walk up to him and threw a fist into his face but it felt like the punch lasted a full minute to reach his face. The next thing I did is I punch him into his stomach. I grab his green guts and yank them out of his body. After that, I pulled out a NERF bomb and slam it into his stomach wound and said, “Let’s see you regenerate from this.” I turn on my jetpack and flew away as The Evil Elf King exploded and a bright white light emerge from him and went to all the elves in the city. Cabot shined brightly.

Every citizen turn back into their human selves with no memories of being an elf. The giant crater got fixed overnight along with any other damage to the city like nothing ever happen. I look for a phone and called.

The End

The Dodgeball 3 part 1 of 2

Here it is, the 3rd and final of the Evil Elf King Saga. A story I wrote back when I was in school. Yes, It obvious it's a parody of a certain movie (and maybe a few more.) Well enjoy the story.



     It’s been two months since I rescued the Credit Card Dude and learn that the Evil Elf King has come back from the dead. Reports of disappearances been happening in Cabot. I believe it’s the Evil Elf King because ever since his rebirth, he gain the ability to turn people into elves.

I went to the city of Cabot with three comrades to investigate. We searched the school for an hour, hoping we find a lead on this guy. The only thing we notice that’s different is that the underground hatch that leads to the secret underground subway has been locked from the inside.

As we were about leave, a man in his mid to late teens ran up to us. After taking a few seconds to catch his breath, he said to us, “I just came from Austin to tell you guys that an army of Giant Robot Spiders is about to destroy the town of Austin, you guys need to defend the place.” We begin to turn around and head to the school’s exit but the messenger got in front of us. “Wait a minute, we already put up a giant force field around the town but that won’t last long because an army that big will tear down the shields in a few minutes. As of right now, nothing can get in or out of Austin unless you go underneath the shields or something.”

I looked to my comrades and said, “Well the secret subway is out of the question, any ideas?” One of my allies came with an idea and told me, “Wait, I have heard a rumor that the French President has an entrance to the subway somewhere under his house.” I said back to him, “Too bad he’s not happy with me after the event that happen two months ago, he may not want us to use his entrance to the subway.”

　

Within the next hour, we head to the president of the French club’s house. We snuck around to the back of the house. I pulled out a credit card and pick the lock on the house’s back door. We quietly enter and closed the door. We search around the house hoping we don’t bump into his parents or anyone else. We found his bedroom and quietly entered it. We quickly found at trapdoor in the middle of his room. We opened it and head down.

On the other side, we saw some balding man in a tux with a thin mustache in front of a stand. He said, “Could you gave me your names, Monsieur.” I grab the man’s wrist and pulled out a box of bubble gum out and slap it into his hand. “This is box is a bomb, if you let go, open your mouth, or any sudden movement, the thing go boom. We be back to disarm it later.” One ally whisper to me, “Hey, your copying from a movie and why not a cigarette case instead?” I whisper back “because most of us are underage.”

We walk across of what it seems to be a restaurant. We found an elevator door on the opposite side of the area. I look back and I’m surprised that a fancy expensive restaurant is here and it’s underneath Cabot. We took the elevator as low as it would let us. As the doors open, we see a group of mean-looking people. One of them said, “Your not suppose to be here.” He was about to slam a dodgeball in my face when perform a roundhouse, kicking the ball from his hand. I grab a dodgeball out of my coat and slammed into his chest. After he fell, the other guys press a button on their belts and suddenly, they float to the air and were now standing on the ceiling. They must have anti-gravity belts. Me and my comrades got out of the elevator and spread out to battle our foes. We watch as they did flips on the ceiling, we pull out dodgeballs and begin to battle.

　

After a minute of fighting, they were all defeated. We opened the door they were guarding and see a huge nightclub. I looked around and saw a lot of men and women dressed in bondage like leather. I don’t even know how in the world that a 17- year old American high schooler pretending to be French is running a place like this?

I looked up and saw the French dude on a balcony with his girlfriend. We walk up there to meet him. I said, “We need to use your entrance to the subway.” The Frenchman replied to me, “Now why would I do that after the disaster you made a few months ago, non?” I notice several of his guards were pulling out NERF guns and placing them against their heads. I quickly pulled out my NERF gun and aim directly on his forehead. I said in angered tone, “Let’s make a deal, your life for usage of the subway and we leave you alone.” He looked angry but realized he had no choice, “Very well then, use the subway.”

　

We got to Austin in time. There were several Mech-Warrior type robots set up to use to defend Austin. We hopped in the machines and equipped our bots with NERF gating guns. Just then, a message appeared on our comlinks, “ATTENTION ATTENTION! GIANT ROBOT SPIDERS ARE ATTACKING THE SHIELDS, DEFEND THE CITY!” We stand the front lines and watch a swarm of hundreds and hundreds of those machines marching towards our direction. We fired our NERF gating guns and went NERF guns blazing on these scrap metals. The Battle of Austin has begin.

　

After fighting for a while, all the Giant Robots Spiders were destroyed, they never step a foot in Austin nor did we suffer any casualties. As we begun to celebrate our victory, one man ran to my bot and shouted, “HEY I GOT A PHONE CALL, IT’S THE EVIL ELF KING AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.” I jump out of the machine and picked up the phone. “Mr. Boyett, while you were distracted with getting inside the subway and defending your town, I have turned every single citizen of Cabot… into an elf. If you want to fight me, meet me between Main Street and 2^nd Street.”

View part 2

School Map

I'm sure any my younger friends (Class of 07 and beyond) are scratching their heads when I mention certain buildings in my stories. The place went through a remodel starting summer of 04 and ended a few years later. Sorry I'm not going to put every single building and I know it's nowhere close where to what it used look like but I tried. During the Spring of 04, hundreds of trailers were place between the Cafeteria/ROTC area to the Gym/Library to house the students of 05 when the remodeling was happening. Yes, we had a caboose sitting in the middle of the school.

 

The Dodgeball 2: Facts and Deleted Material

Originally there was no Baddie Remnant. I wanted to make a connection to the Heroes vs. Baddies storyline.

During the fight with The Evil Elf King and his elf army, I successfully pulled off the move that Neo did when he kicked all the Smiths around him while holding on to the pole. After watching the Ninja Turtles: City at War 3-parter, I decided to change the pole screen by copying off the funny scene where Donnie epically fail to pull off the move Neo did.

No, I not going to do any Zion scenes in the 2^nd Matrix movie. My story is focusing on the cool moments it’s morally wrong to write a bunch of High Schoolers getting involved in a orgy.

The French President wasn’t eating lunch on his table originally.

The French President called the girl traitor and she leave the room. Well that’s a lame way to right off a character, plus she was given no reason to help me. Change it to just like what happens in the 2^nd Matrix movie.

I used a stick from a tree rather than a toy lightsaber to fight The Water Twins.

The chase scene went from me and the Credit Card dude in a car, then we hop on a carrier truck and hijack a motorcycle, then we stopped on a bridge that was still under construction, destroy The Water Twins.
Isn’t it simpler just use a motorcycle instead of hopping from vehicle to vehicle. Also, was there a bridge that was under construction back when I wrote this story?

After pushing the guy in the business suit off the 18-wheeler, it collided with other truck and create a huge explosion. I grabbed the Card Dude and fly away. Does anyone remember two 18-wheelers ramming together? Also, I basically wrote two innocent truck drivers die in explosion. You can forget it.

The story never said who the generator room belong to. So I was blowing up some random machine under the S building for no reason? Well when I added The Baddie Remnant to the story, I decided to write it’s theirs.

The secret camera room was in some building between the High School and Jr. High North. I keep forgetting what the building was called, so I change it to Jr. High North.

I encountered The Evil Elf King in the S building and fought. After the battle… Wait a minute, that’s it? Both the S buildings aren’t that big and where would they go after I fought them? They were deleted in later versions but I decided to bring them back in the recent version and explain why they weren't around in the other S building scenes.

“What’s happening hot stuff?” I admit I copied that from the MTV Movie Awards parody.

After leaving those girls aloneWait a minute, that sound like I was with the Credit Card Dude on that scene. I change it to after I entered the room that leads to the secret underground while he approach those girls.

The Man in White was originally called Larry and he created Q-Bert and the name for Frogger. That too is from the MTV Movie Awards parody. I decided to keep The Credit Card Dude hitting on those girls is the only thing I copied from it. Also, it makes The Man in White a cool guy rather than some man who tell you confusing stuff to the point you just want to shoot him in the head.
　

Guide to Chris' stories

Pretty much all my stories take place in the same universe. To make things easier for my readers, I created an index/timeline.


Timeline
Year 1 Spring -The Dodgeball
Summary-Chris gets a call from the High School and ends up in a dodgeball match of his life.
Part 1 of the Evil Elf King Saga

Year 1 Summer -Heroes vs. Baddies War Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary-A terrorist group called the Baddies conquers Cabot High School. A group who wanted to take back the school form a group called the Heroes. However, a large threat that is bigger than both armys is planning to destory the school.
Spin-off of the Evil Elf King Saga. Part 1 of the Heroes vs. Baddies Saga.

Year 2 Fall-The Dodgeball 2
Summary-The Credit Card Dude has been imprisoned and Chris must save him while a familiar foe returns from the dead.
Part 2 of the Evil Elf King Saga

Year 3 Late Winter -The Dodgeball 3 Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Summary-An army of Giant Robot Spiders in planning to destory Austin, Arkansas. Chris has to get there before they arrive.
Part 3 of the Evil Elf King Saga

Year 3 Spring- Heroes vs. Baddies: Battle of the Glow in the Dark Tennis Ball Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary-The Baddies have return and they are searching for their missing leader as well as the Glow in the Dark Tennis Ball. Will the Heroes get to it before the Baddies do?
Part 2 of the Heroes vs. Baddies Saga

Year 3 Early Summer- Journey to the Underworld
Summary-Chris is summoned by the Olympians to stop Hades.
Stand alone story that was originally made for my mythology test.

Year 4 Late Spring/Early Summer - The Friendship Of The Copper Ring That Came From A Coin Machine That Was Made From The Waters Of Petit Jean Mountain Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Summary-A cheap piece of jewelry from a coin machine is found in the Ozarks and a group of nine people must take a journey to Petit Jean Mountain to save Arkansas from the forces of darkness
Part 1 of the Copper Ring Saga.

Year 4 Early Summer - The Two Apartments Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Summary-The gang has split up and going on their own separate paths. Meanwhile, Dark Magician is raising an army from his own crappy apartment. Can the good guys defeat the forces of darkness?
Part 2 of the Copper Ring Saga

Year 5 Summer - Return of the Hero Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Summary-Dark Magicain is defeated but Evil Dude's army is coming for Russellville. Can the forces of good stop them. Meanwhile, can Kind Boy and Gardener reach Petit Jean Mountain in time.
Part 3 of the Copper Ring Saga

Year 6 Spring- Heroes vs Baddies: The Inferno's Wrath Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Summary-A mysterious man known as The Inferno has round up the Baddies and plots destruction in the land of Arkansas. It's us to the Heroes to stop him.
Part 3 of the of the Heroes vs Baddies Saga

Year 8 Summer -Heroes vs Baddies: The Mystery of Old Captain
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Summary-The Heroes search what became of Old Captain from the 1980s and what were his plans to end the war. Meanwhile, the Baddies plan to stir up trouble.
Part 4 of the Heroes vs Baddies Saga.

Year 9 Late Winter- Cabotians vs. The Lonokeon Empire Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary- Chris learns that an invasion from The Lonokeon Empire is planning to invade Arkansas. Chris must form an army to resist the coming invasion.
Part 1 of the Lonokeon Empire Saga

Two days later- Cabotians vs. The Lonokeon Empire: Attack of the Searcian Airship Fleet
Summary- The Lonokeon Empire's invasion has failed but the commander of the Searcian Airship Fleet is coming for revenge.
Part 2 of the Lonokeon Empire Saga

Year 10 Late Winter- Uncover the Secrets of the Accountants
Summary- Chris is given an undercover job to find out if the employers of the place are connected to his old enemies. Little does he know what the undercover job really is.
Part 3 of the Lonokeon Empire Saga
Also Part 1 of the Evil Accountants Saga.


Year 11 Spring- Assassinate the Assassins of the Lonokeon Empire Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Summary- A man goes on a hunt to slay the assassins that target the new emperor
Part 4 of the Lonokeon Empire Saga


Year 12 Spring -The Retailiators Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary- An evil goddess comes to visit and plans to unleash an army to invade Arkansas. Chris gets together with a group to stop her.
Stand alone story


Year 13 Fall - To Stop The Mississippi River Tour Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary- Part 2 of the Evil Accountants Saga.

Year 15 Summer -
Past time-Mid-1980s- The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home: Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Summary- Everyone comes to visit Kind Boy on his birthday. He wants his friends to listen to Old Guy's tale when he went on a journey to Mount Magazine.
Prequel to the Copper Ring Saga

















Here is a character guide for each saga
Evil Elf King Saga
Heroes from HvsB
Baddies from HvsB
Forces of Good from Copper Ring Saga
Forces of Evil from Copper Ring Saga

Collection of facts and deleted material.

The Dodgeball

Heroes vs. Baddies War

The Dodgeball 2

The Dodgeball 3

Heroes vs. Baddies: Battle for the Glow in the Dark Tennis Ball

Journey to the Underworld

The Friendship Of The Copper Ring That Came From A Coin Machine That Was Made From The Waters Of Petit Jean Mountain

The Two Apartments

Return of the Hero

Heroes vs. Baddies: The Inferno's Wrath

Cabotians vs. The Lonokean Empire Saga

The Lonokean Empire Saga Part 2: Accountants and Assassins

To Stop the Mississippi River Tour

The Group's Quest From Hill Area And Then Go To Mount Magazine To Kill A Monstrous Reptile And Reclaim Their Home

The Dodgeball 2

The sequel of my 1st Dodgeball story that I wrote when I was in school. I was bored in study hall one day. Yes, it's obvious what the story is a parody of. Well enjoy the story!!!



It’s been a year since The Evil Elf King died. As well as the terrorist group known as the Baddies were defeated. However a remnant of the Baddies is rumored to be in Cabot High School...
　


I was at the flagpole near the main gym sitting on one of the benches, waiting to meet up with a messenger. I have heard that she has some info on this Baddie Remnant. After waiting for a few minutes, I saw her coming over towards my direction. When she got here, she handed me a rolled up piece of paper and told me and looking over her shoulder, “I got to leave, I afraid I‘m being followed.” She flee the area as I open the crunched up paper, it reads, The Credit Card Dude is in the J Building’s secret prison, French President is responsible. I rolled up the paper and threw it into a nearby trash can.

As I was about to leave the area, I heard footsteps and turned towards the sound. I saw a someone walking up to my location, a man who I never thought I ever see again... It was the Evil Elf King.

“Hello Mr. Boyett, surprised to see me?” He questioned.  I replied back to him, “Yeah of course I’m surprised, most people aren’t alive after their guts are ripped out.” He smiled and answered, “Well it’s because elves take longer to die than you humans. As I was dying after you left the hallway that day, I use my powers to cast a spell that put my guts back together and restore me. You know the wonderful thing that I learn after my near death experience is that I discover new magic powers.” After he finish his sentience, I noticed seven other elves were surrounding the flagpole.

“You see Mr. Boyett, I discover how to use my elf magic to turn humans into my elf minions.” Just then, they all went in to attack me. I block their attacks and counterattack. As the fighting went on for a minute or two, I notice there was more elves in the fight than how many there was when the battle started. I guess there was about thirty of them. I grabbed on to the flagpole and prepare to kick them all while holding on to it…Only to fall off because I was doing an impossible stunt. I try to get up but all the elves jump pile on me. I was getting squish from their attack. 

I lift my arms up and busted out of the elf pile. Knowing I was seriously outnumbered, I put on my book bag and press a button on it. The book bag turn into a jetpack and I activated it to fly away from the battlefield, leaving the fight for another day.


The next day, I entered one of the French classes inside the J building. I saw the President of the French Club sitting down with his girlfriend and eating their lunch. Their lunch on the table contains French toast, frog legs, and escargot and other French foods. The man said to me in a French accent, “Welcome Monsieur ,do you want anything on za table?”

I seriously wonder why a American student who took a French class has an accent? I answer him back, “No thank you. I looking for a guy called The Credit Card Dude, have you heard of him?” He looked surprised after mentioning the card guy, he then started to look angry at me. “I have never of za man. Now let moi eat my lunch in peace, non.” Knowing he wasn’t going to answer, I turn around and left the classroom.


I went into the boy’s bathroom and splash some water onto my face from the sink. I was trying to think to how to get the Frenchmen to confess and show me the location where the secret prison is.

Just then, the bathroom door opened. I turned and saw the French President’s girlfriend standing there. She came inside and walked over to me. She said, “Monsieur, you are looking for Za Credit Card Dude correct? I show you za way to za secret prison.” 


I followed down the hall and she led me to a secret hatch that leads to an underground weapons museum. Inside, the place was full of paintings and weapons everywhere hanging on it’s walls. The French girlfriend stopped and pointed, “Zat door leads to za secret prison, inside is za man your looking for.” I about to head there when I heard the door behind me bust open. I turn and saw the French President with several of his minions. He asked his girlfriend, “Oh la vache!!! Why are you betraying me? why are you helping zis man?” She answered back, “Because I saw you with another woman za other day.” I watch as she storm off pass her boyfriend and out of the room. I looked back at towards my enemy.

The French President was looked angry and told his minions, “Kill him!”

They threw dodgeballs at me but I pulled out a giant net and threw it the air. The net caught all the dodgeballs and it fell to the ground. The French President’s minions then grab weapons off the walls. I walk up to the balcony and use my magnet in my watch to pull two pencils off the walls. One man wielding a pair of socks come to my direction and try to smack me with them. I ducked out of the way and then slash him with one of my pencils. I turned and saw paper ninja stars being throw at me, I dodge them and threw one of the pencils into the man who threw those stars. Another one try to jab me with a plastic spork but I block his attack and then use my pencil jab him into his heart. I pulled it out of his body and then saw two more men came to attack me with rulers. I block their attacks with my pencil and engage in swordfight till I manage to stab one of them. The other ruler wielder charge towards me, I simply sidestep and he fell off the balcony. My last opponent was a man who is attacking me with a human-sized Q-tip. I avoided his attacks and kicked him, as he was falling to the floor, I grabbed his weapon out from his hands and than slam the weapon on his forehead. I turned to where the French President was and all I saw was an open door, meaning he left the room.


I entered the prison room and saw a man making credit cards. He said, “I been waiting for you.” He got up from his chair and follow me out of the room head back to the weapons museum.  As we were leaving, I saw a toy lightsaber mounted on the wall. I grabbed it and we head upstairs.

As we got on the J building’s main floor, we saw two man dressed in white coming towards us. I pull out my NERF gun and shot at them, only for the NERF bullets to pass through them. I slash my toy lightsaber at them but it seems their bodies turn into water from each strike. I quickly look at the Credit Card Dude and shouted, “START THE VEHICLE, I HOLD THESE GUYS OFF!” He ran to the J Building’s parking lot while I held the Water Twins. After nearly a minute of fighting them, I ran out the building and saw the Credit Card Dude has started a motorcycle. I jumped in the back and we rode out.

Riding down on main street, I looked back and saw a car chasing us with the Water Twins inside. I told the card guy to keep driving and stop at a certain spot. We pass by a dozen of cars till we reach the overpass at the freeway. He parked the vehicle and I got off.

I saw the Water Twins car was coming, just when their car was about to get near, I pulled out the toy lightsaber and sliced the left side of the car. The car pass us and fell to it’s side. I pulled out an explosive dodgeball and threw at the car’s exposed underside. I watch as the automobile explodes into a huge fireball and saw reduce the Water Twins to steam.

The Credit Card Dude and I look down from the overpass. We saw a 18-wheeler about to pass underneath the underpass. We jumped off the bridge and landed on the truck’s trailer.

When we were getting back to our feet, we notice a man in business suit is also standing on the trailer. He heads towards me and then kick me in the stomach. I lost my balance and I fell out the back of the trailer. Luckily, I landed on a moving car driven by some girl with a weird hairdo. I activate my jetpack and got back on top of the 18-wheeler. I pulled out the toy lightsaber and swing at the guy in the business suit. He backtrack to avoid my attacks till got on the edge of the trailer. I ran up to him and push him off of the truck. I said, "There may be more coming, we need to get out of here. I grabbed The Credit Card Dude and turn on my jetpack and flew off.


Later that night at the Credit Card Dude’s house, me and several allies gather to hear what he has to said. According to him, there is a generator that powers the Baddie Remnant’s hideout that is located underneath the South half of the S buildings. There are hidden cameras located near the secret entrance that leads to the generator room. We don't need to alert the Baddie Remnants or our presence. He told us that the camera operating room is located in a secret area that's underneath a 7th grade classroom in Cabot Jr. High North. I sent out some of my allies to take care of the camera room while the Credit Card Dude and me go inside the Southern half of the S building. If this mission succeeds, the Baddies be forced to leave and we be able to stop them.


We entered through the North half of the S building and we locked the door to prevent anyone entering and leaving. As we turn around, we saw a someone there waiting for us, it was the Evil Elf King with his elf army. They attack and I fought back but it was irritating because I was fighting a narrow hallway rather than an opened field. I said to the Evil Elf King in a annoyed tone, “Oh come on, I don’t have time for this.” I grabbed the card man and turned on my jetpack as I fly pass the elves. We open the door on the other end of the North S building and got out. We soon close it before the elf army got near. I pulled out an umbrella and put it in the door handle. “That should hold them for a while.”


We entered the Southern half of the S building. Inside, The Credit Card Dude went up to a door. “This door leads to a secret hatch that leads to the generator room. I’m the only man at this campus that can open the door.” He pull out something out of his pocket and it was a credit card. He use it to pick the locked door. I open the door and wish him luck. After I was gone, The Credit Card Dude saw two attractive girls walking down the hallway. He walk up to them and said, “What’s happening hot stuff!”
　

Inside the class room, I located the secret hatch that the card guy told me about and went underground. I soon found myself in a room full of TVs on the walls. I guess whoever uses this room wants to watch everything on every channel. On on side of the room, I notice there is a man sitting on a chair near his desk. He said to me, “Hello Chris, I’m The Man in White. You see there is….”

Next thing I know is the guy is boring me with his confusing speech, so I pulled out my NERF gun and shoot him in the head. His lifeless body fell on to his table.

I looked around and saw two doors, one that leads to the generator room and the other to where I came in… I entered the generator room.

I finish installing the NERF bomb on the machine and headed upstairs and out of the building. Suddenly, I got a phone call from some guy who thinks his name is the Hero of Time or some Nintendo character. He told me that one of my allies at Jr. High North is shot and is falling off the building. Wasting no time, I quickly activated my jetpack and flew to her location. I got there in time and grabbed her before she hit the ground. I flew up to the roof and set her down. I looked at her and saw blood on her shirt. Worried, I shook her till I notice a busted ketchup packet fell out of her shirt. It seems she’s not dead and she be alright then. The ketchup packet protected her.  Just all of the sudden, Giant Robot Spiders appear all around us. I pulled out some dodgeballs out of my jacket and threw them at my mechanical enemies. After their destruction, we looked for a phone and called.

The End